Sensitivity explained Part 1

[Kimberli]

 I found this long article, which described my mother so accurately, that I could instantly understand why I am so sensitive. I have taken a sentence or two from each paragaph to give you a flavour.I have also divided the article into two parts

Kim in Oz

The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about secret things. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is.

   -Chris
http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her.

3. She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat.

4. She undermines.  Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them.

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.

6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about.

7. She’s envious.  Any time you get something nice she’s angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is.

8. She’s a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. 

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.”

11. She’s selfish and willful. She always makes sure she has the best of everything.

12. She’s self-absorbed. Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs.

[Leah]

I found this long article, which described my mother so accurately, that I could instantly understand why I am so sensitive. I have taken a sentence or two from each paragaph to give you a flavour.I have also divided the article into two parts

Kim in Oz

The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about secret things. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is.

   -Chris

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

(((((( Kim ))))))) 

I have sat and read the entire article, which has so much more, in depth, with validation, sadly, shockingly, as it was like reading my own nmother and my life experience with her.

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists

Thank you for posting the two page, truly, very much appreciated.

All the very best to you, for you.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you, Kim---very enlightening!                                               Ami

[Gabben]

6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about.

Ugh! That's her, my mom! This info is the most validating stuff I have ever found on my mom. There is other info out there but this info must have been written by someone who actually knew my mom.

This is exactly what is coming up for me now. The pain and Post Traumatic Stress that was created by having a mom that made me feel and think I was crazy...the pain under this stuff for me is excruciating !!! I feel like screaming right now....IT WAS SO PAINFUL!! IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!


N'S MOMS SUCK!!!!! (I'm crying and shouting this as I write)

[Gaining Strength]

These two posts are unbearable powerfully chocked full of stuff,  the most concise, concrete, thorough description of what an Nish mother does.  It seems that it applies to N fathers as well.  Why do you think that in this case it is applied only to N mothers?

I read the initial post in Part 1 and Part 2.  It stirred up way too much emotional dust for me to read replies but  as I was posting the first part of my reply I was someone had taken one attribute and written about how it applies to their mother.  I hope I will do this.  I think this could help me exppose more and more of the hidden memories.  In fact I think it could be a powerful thread for those of us with N mothers to try to write some concrete example of how each one of these is a charaqteristic of our own N mothers. 

I have to think about this.  I know it will be valuable for me personally and I think it would be helpful for me to read how these traits apply to your own mothers.  What do you thnk?

[Kimberli63]

Ami, Gabben, Leah, and Gaining Strength. Thank you for your comments. I wondered whether this article would be too confronting, so I held off posting it for a while. I was only introduced to the concept of NPD, last October. However, up until 1990 I had undergone extensive counselling and self reflection because I thought I was the one who had the problem. I suppose, I understood what happened but I didn't understand why. As soon as I talked to someone who had a NPD spouse and we compared notes, I knew the problem wasn't me but her. What a sense of relief I felt that I had suddenly nailed the reason why. Everything fell into place but despite my excitement at finding it wasn't me with the problem but her, an overwhelming  rage started, some of it is mentioned in My story. The rage was like an inferno or a volcano, a tornado. It engulfed me and for a few days, I was almost paralysed. Despair set in when I realised, I had wasted 50 of my 58 years, believing I had severe personality problems, no interpersonal skills, and I was just a no hoper. That is why I did all that intense writing. The emotions, the outrage, and the understanding was so crystal clear, that I saw  and felt that 50 years of anguish, and I was able to write as I looked down and felt what had happened. At times, I was physically shaking as the emotions were vivid. This article distilled my thoughts about all those things that happened during my lifetime, even after I left South Africa, and my mother behind. Now that I understand, I am moving on with my life. I still get tripped up by reacting in a learned way, rather than the way I wanted to react. It has been a long hard journey. I feel for all of you as you are going through the various stages of recovery because I truly know how upsetting it is to be the problem, when, in fact, you are not the problem, and never have been.Your lives and emotions were hijacked.

Lots of good wishes and hugs as you approach this part of your recovery.

Kim in Oz.

By the way, here in Canberra, at this very time, there is a trial of a son accused of killing his mother. In my view, she was a Narc. You might like to do a Google search, (and even though it is one of the cases, one of my barristers is handling, and I have known details for a while), I still find it shocking, what that mother did to that boy and his sisters. His name is
Glen Porritt, and his mother Nanette Porritt lived in Chapman (the suburb next to mine), and the trial is in the ACT Supreme Court

Kim