Anger versus Aggression

[Bella_French]

What Are your thoughts on this? I googled it, and came up with this article:

Anger vs Aggression

Anger and aggression are not the same. You can experience anger without engaging in aggressive behavior. Anger can and often does occur with both verbal and physical aggression. Aggression occurs when an individual intentionally takes action to hurt or destroy.

Many individuals believe that aggression is a natural human instinct. There is no scientific basis for this notion. Rather, aggression is a learned response. If it is rewarded, it will usually be repeated. While physical aggression is fairly obvious, passive aggression is more subtle.

Listed below are some examples of Passive Aggression (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

    * Put-downs
    * Sarcasm
    * Insults
    * Rudeness
    * Sabotage
    * Intimidation
    * Belittling Remarks

Do’s and Don’ts of Anger Management

DO:

    * Pay attention to what you say to yourself when you are angry. Are your self-statements guiding you toward a solution or are they fueling the fire?
    * Learn to relax. Taking a time-out might give you a new perspective on the situation. Relaxation and anger are incompatible responses (you can’t have both at the same time).
    * Express yourself assertively and focus on solving the problem.
    * Release tension through sports and other pro-social competition.

DON’T:

    * Practice anger "catharsis" (e.g., punching walls, screaming, smashing things). This usually leads to MORE anger not less.
    * Drink alcohol to "wash away" problems.
    * Try to "stuff" your anger or pretend it is not there.

[axa]

BElla,

I think anger can be wonderful or extremely distructive.  My anger kept me in there with Xn going round and round in the desperate hope that he would see me.  And my anger got me out.  I got so mad at being treated like dirt that I kicked him out.  I felt very powerful and loving within the latter type of anger. 

xxxxxxx

axa

[Hermes]

"You can experience anger without engaging in aggressive behavior. Anger can and often does occur with both verbal and physical aggression". Bella

So very true, Bella.

Hermes

[Overcomer]

Where does rage come into play?  I am so angry with my mom that sometimes I just rage!  I think if I do not let it out I will die or have a stroke!

[Hermes]

Hello Overcomer:

I understand what you are saying.  I think it is how you express that "rage"....
Do you yell at her?  Which is probably counterproductive, because that is probably exactly the reaction she wants, and it wrong-foots you.  Do you have a good work-out with a punch-bag?  Maybe more productive, and also good exercise LOL.

Hermes

[Overcomer]

Yes I yell at her!  I get to the point where I cannot hold it back and it usually happens when I am PMSing.  I should do something other than eat.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 I am just starting to even really "feel" anger, as anger. I pushed it down ,in to my body. I guess that I was so afraid of it  that I could not face it at all.
  I think that when I get angry,I need to try to "sit" with it, to try to just feel it, look at it ,observe it,like I would an animal in the zoo. I guess that it won't "hurt' me.
   I am going to just try to identify it, for the moment.
   Sorry ,for your eating with anger.I think that "eating,drinking or shopping it away are "common" ways to deal with it.,                             
       Love, Ami

[Leah]

Anger vs Aggression

Anger and aggression are not the same. You can experience anger without engaging in aggressive behavior. Anger can and often does occur with both verbal and physical aggression. Aggression occurs when an individual intentionally takes action to hurt or destroy.

Many individuals believe that aggression is a natural human instinct. There is no scientific basis for this notion. Rather, aggression is a learned response. If it is rewarded, it will usually be repeated. While physical aggression is fairly obvious, passive aggression is more subtle.

Listed below are some examples of Passive Aggression (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

    * Put-downs
    * Sarcasm
    * Insults
    * Rudeness
    * Sabotage
    * Intimidation
    * Belittling Remarks



Dear Bella,

Thank you so much for posting the entire article.

Immensely insightful and helpful for my life journey, is the clear explanation of the behavior that is;   Passive Aggression

and now that I truly know what all of the listed behaviors really mean,

I can take comfort, as to why I feel uncomfortable, not happy, when those behaviors are thrust upon me in life.

Grateful thanks.

Love, Leah

[Hermes]

Hello Phoenix:

Well, first of all maybe there is a distinction between being made "angry" and simply "annoyed" or "exasperated" by something.   Anger is a strong emotion, so the provocation would have to be very strong to elicit it. What might make you/others angry might, for example, only slightly annoy me. 

When you say "rude / obnoxious" in a social setting, do you mean at a party, meeting, in a shop, on the street, etc.?

Well, I do not generally meet too many people like that, but I would possibly think they have a) a problem or b) a bad day. 
If in a shop, to give an example, I might locate the supervisor and simply tell him or her, in plain terms, that I don't think the "offender" in question is any asset for their business.  LOL. 

Hermes

[Hermes]

I found this and think it is rather good. 
Hermes

Kelly A Willoughby
What do you do when a rude person approaches you? There are three things you must always remember when dealing with a rude person. One you should never get angry, two you should never be rude back to them, and three always smile.

Rude people are angry people. They just want to hate the world or feel better than the rest of us by being rude to us. You have to beat them at their own game. First, if you get angry they win. They are being rude for a reason, to get you angry so they can get angry and yell at someone. Do not lose your cool, be better at the game than they are and do not get angry. Speak in a low, slow calm voice, almost sugary, it will drive rude people nuts.

Second, never be rude back to them, or then they win. They want you to be just like them, it is a club, and they need more members. They want you to join them in their rudeness so they have justified their need to be rude to you. They want to blame someone for whatever it is they were rude for in the first place and if you are rude, they can blame you. It is the child's play game, even though they were rude first; they blame you for being rude first.

Third and most important, you should always have a smile on your face when dealing with a rude person. They think you know something they do not. They will be so freaked out they will not be able to stay rude to you. The first thing that comes into their minds is what is she/he smiling about?' When you smile the whole world smiles with you, that saying is so very true.

Now you are talking sugary sweet talk, low calming voice, not saying anything to upset the rude person, only nice things, no blame game, and smiling. What do you think this person is going to do? They are either going to stop being rude and smile, or walk away shaking their heads. You have successfully dealt with a rude person and come out of it with a gold star!

Learn more about this author, Kelly A Willoughby

[Leah]

Second, never be rude back to them, or then they win. They want you to be just like them, it is a club, and they need more members. They want you to join them in their rudeness so they have justified their need to be rude to you. They want to blame someone for whatever it is they were rude for in the first place and if you are rude, they can blame you. It is the child's play game, even though they were rude first; they blame you for being rude first.


That's my own personal worldview.  They bait you into their net, and then, you are unwittingly enrolled into their club (or gang).

I am looking up this author, "Kelly A Willoughby"

as she speaks straightforward common sense.

Grateful thanks, Hermes.

Leah

[Bella_French]

Thanks for replying to this thread!

I find it very interesting that new research seems to be revealing that  what a lot of people think of as ' expressing their anger' is really just `aggression '.


So learning how to effectively communicate anger without aggression, is sort of the key...
I'm still working on this and am far from an expert. What do you folks do; how do you communicate that you're angry in different situations: hubby, work, sons/daughters... strangers being rude & obnoxious in social settings...?


I'm not sure about the answer to that! Some `healthy ways' to express anger, that are not aggressive could be:

-Talking it out with the person who is making me angry
-Talking it out with other people; seeking support
-Making a plan of action to minimize exposure to enraging situations/ persons.
-Self-talk, in the case where the anger is due to triggers
-Writing it all down; gaining perspective
-Revenge fantasies that are never acted out  (lol)
-Re-thinking, for example finding humor in a situation that was initially enraging

I'm not sure thoug; Id like to learn a lot more about this too.

X bella

[Bella_French]

Dear Leah and Hermes,

I found a lot of value in Kelly A Willoughby's ideas too! She's very insightful, huh?

Thanks for that:)

X Bella

[Hermes]

Heh heh.
And then of course, let us never forget that old adage: "you can't please all of the people all of the time".  ROFL.

Hermes

[Bella_French]

Lol, Hermes, Exactly:)