Author Topic: Sensitivity explained Part 2  (Read 1677 times)

Kimberli

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Sensitivity explained Part 2
« on: February 05, 2008, 09:49:57 PM »
The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about secret things. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is.

   -Chris
http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

14. She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present.

15. She’s infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted.

16. She’s aggressive and shameless. She doesn’t ask. She demands.

17. She “parentifies.” She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could.

18.She’s exploitative. She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing.

19. She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting.

20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything.

21. Sometimes she seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings, and yet she is brilliantly sensitive to other people’s emotions.

22. She engineers “no-win” situations that leave you violated and angry and not sure why you feel that way.

23. She blames. She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened.

24. She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all.

25. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness.

Kim in Oz

Bella_French

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2008, 01:22:00 AM »
Thanks Kim,

That sounds about right to me:)

X bella

Kimberli63

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2008, 02:13:18 AM »
Thanks, Bella. Do you know as a teenager, I lived in a house with my stepfather, stepsister  and sister, and we all talked through my mother ie. she was the conduit? I thought it was because she was more able to deal with the conflicts. So my sister and I would talk but we don't anymore and haven't for nearly 20 years. My stepfather and stepsister talked to each other but not my sister and I. Imagine what it was like sitting at the dinner table. That went on for over two years and then I left to stay with my gran for a while and then I went into a boarding house.

When I read this article, I could identify with everything this person wrote.

How much longer do you have to wait to get news of your father?

By the way where do you live now?

Kim

Bella_French

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2008, 05:21:23 AM »
Dear Kim,

My mother is an N too, so it doesn't surprise me to hear of such strange control measures being taken by your mother. My mother was the conduit between her daughters and our father for many years; it was really annoying! And strange! (Lucky we can see it as strange now, huh?)

I live in Brisbane now, Kim. I have relatives living in Fraser in Canberra, and in Queanbeyan too. Hows everything looking now? Did they replant the pine forests? I suppose, if they did, they'd look like Paddocks of Christmas trees at the moment?  lol.

I hope things with Nick are going ok lately. It must be so annoying seeing him make the wrong friends.

X bella


 






Certain Hope

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2008, 08:13:02 AM »
Dear Kim,

Wow - - I am quite certain that my very N'ish mother has always longed to control our little family in the way you describe... where you each and all communicated to each other through your mom... yikes. She has tried, but my dad and brother are loudly vocal enough to not be over-ridden. I was the mouse... and she took full advantage.

She is and does all of these things, to varying measures... but the part that I'm still working to resolve was noted in your part 1, I think... basically resigning as parent when I was a young teen and leaving me (emotionally and mentally) to fend for myself.
That's of particular concern to me as I try to parent my own remaining teenagers into adulthood.

Thank you so much for these characteristics listings.

Love,
Carolyn

p.s. on edit -  oops, sorry... it was here on this post, #17 - she parentifies you... yes. Actually, I just realized she did that to me at about age 10, although I don't recall her ever being emotionally connected.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2008, 08:16:11 AM by Certain Hope »

Gabben

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2008, 01:19:53 PM »
Kim -- I love you -- this hit the nail on the head for me this morning!

 While driving to work I was trying to think about my mom's N traits and what it was about them that drove me bonkers. In other words, I was trying to get in touch with the feelings of frustration and the hurt under the anger and abuse she did to me. However, I could not remember anything, it was as if my mind had gone blank. I figured that I would call my sister later today and ask her to help jolt my memory but instead I have emailed her this info so that she too can get in touch with her feelings around these behaviors of my mom.

All that you listed here IS MY MOM. It is also bringing up the memoires --- good timing on your part because I have an appointment with my T  tonight and this stuff is exactly what I am going to talk about.


13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

Memories of all of the times when I would stand up for myself only to have my mom call the police to arrest me, throw me in juvenile hall, try to have me committed to a mental hospital (age 14) and slandered to my teachers and friends as pycho daughter.

The things I would say to her were - "stop screaming at me mom" Or, "please just stop calling me names - I can't take it." (tears are rolling down my face today as I write this and my gut is wrenching sobs). This limit setting would set her off even more - that is why she ended up calling the police on me and why she ended up trying to have me committed -- it was her defense way to scapegoat me.

14. She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren't present.

Yes! That is part of the pain of the distress that is coming up for me - walking around on egg shells and terrified of her going off, never knowing when or where she might just go off contributed to the terror too.

15. She's infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don't love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted.

She did that this past Christmas because I spent the holidays with other family members instead of her. I am still getting guilt trip emails from her telling me what a dishonorable daughter I am.



17. She “parentifies.” She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could.

I have been my mom's mom since I was an infant. Even after I was kidnapped I was parenting my mom through it. It became all about her, her pain over having something tragic happen to her daughter and her need for sympathy from me, can you imagine? I had to parent my mom after I was kidnapped and rapped to help her cope with my tradegy.


19. She projects. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting.

All I can say for this one is thank God for friendships and family that DO SEE me and know that I am good. They help wipe off my mom's projection over the years.

Her telling me that my kidnap was my fault was her projection of guilt onto me or selfcontempt that she was feeling that others were projecting on to her. It was her way of taking her dirt and wiping it off on a clean spot -- me.



20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything.

YEP!!!!



25. As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness.


My sister and I dropped our mouths at this one!! Wow - HOW MANY TIMES HAS MOM DONE THIS -- it is always about her.

Thank you (((Kim))))
« Last Edit: February 06, 2008, 01:22:45 PM by Gabben »

Kimberli63

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2008, 09:29:31 PM »
To all of you who replied, Gabben, Bella, Carolyn.. I was interested to read your thoughts. For me I took the article and then under everything that made sense to me, I wrote my recollections, just like you did Gabben. I wrote each incident as I remembered it. And I felt it as I went along. When I had finished, I was drained emotionally, but also cleansed, and relieved, because I knew in my heart of hearts, I wasn’t like that. By bringing all that poison, and half understood emotions into the light of day, and seeing that it wasn’t me, I felt that I had taken a big step forward. Chris’ article was so insightful and understanding that I felt like I had a friend who could validate what I thought. Keep working on yourselves and your pain. I can promise it does start to get better. In fact, I found once I understood, and went through what I had to, it was like I was just looking at something quite abstract. Like that’s what happened to me, but hey I no longer attach any emotion to the events. That is the most liberating feeling. I suppose it is related to acceptance.

I have got more to write, probably later today after I have been to the dentist for root channel treatment. The last visit had  me in a flood of tears because it brought back so many memories


Lot of loving thought, Kim

Certain Hope

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2008, 10:55:19 PM »
((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))  I've read your last posts on both threads and I just think you're so very brave and thoughtful.
Will look back here tomorrow and hope to comment some more, but it's about bedtime here and I just wanted to wish you the very best on your dental appointments... I'm praying for no major upsets for you through that and smooth sailing.

Love to you,
Carolyn

Kimberli63

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2008, 06:17:51 PM »
Carolyn, thanks,  I focused on my thoughts rather the noise, and that worked out better emotionally. Mind you, the dentist freaked out when I remembered a rude but very funny joke, I had heard on the Morning Show. My whole body was shaking with mirth and the dentist became very concerned that I was having a seizure. He asked, greatly concerned “are you okay?” I said “yes” as best I could with all that stuff in my mouth. Imagine laughing while you have your mouth wide open!  When I went to pay, one of assistants, said “that was so funny. You were so relaxed”

I am not sure if there is a moral in this story but sure was better than the emotional depletion, I had the time before.

Loving thoughts.

Kim

Certain Hope

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Re: Sensitivity explained Part 2
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2008, 08:19:27 PM »
Kim, I'm so glad you were able to engage in a good, strong internal focus and tune out that noise... all of those strange sounds are definitely one of the worst parts of the whole ordeal.
And you were even able to recall a joke! That is awesome
A great sign of healing, I would say.
I've come a long way in overcoming my terror of dental work, but can't say I've ever been too amused while seated in that chair... lol.

Oh, the poor dentist, though! He must really have been wondering what was happening... lol!

So wonderful for you, though... to be able to relax.. and now you have a funny story to recall about your last visit to the dentist!

 I've had alot of that work done over the past 6 months or so, and only occasionally still find myself clenching my fingers tightly together...
but it's so much better, now. As I was telling someone not long ago - - what turned the tide for me, besides prayer, was being able to confess my fear to the dentist and his staff in advance of my appointment.
For me, it was more about being afraid of the fear, if that makes sense. Once it was out in the open, the fear lost its power.

Hugs to you... and blessings, with love,
Carolyn