Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
N parents create children naive about close relationships?
Cj:
Hi, I was reading this, and had to just comment, thats the first time I've heard anyone say that, at least in print. It kinda resonated. I felt that way from a young age, like a massive inferiority complex, and like I was almost alien from others, and there was something *different* about me, albeit, something defective. I always recal when it followed me into my teens, I wanted to identify with 'the outcasts' but even that didn't seem possible, I felt I wasn't good enough for anyone, even though I had major social anxiety, I think that could have been underlying it, more than a result of it.
Anyway, sorry, carry on.... :)
--- Quote from: Portia ---This is such a great thread Flower, I’ve only just read it. Dawning you sparked some thoughts in me, particularly with your belly-dancing teacher episode. I have (had?) the problem of thinking that everyone – everyone – is better than me, less screwed up than me.
--- End quote ---
Dawning:
Bunny's templates idea got me thinking about some of the things we learned as children and accepted as truth from our N's about our role in close relationship. I have written a list in Word.
Now, here is what I am thinking. Once these template-messages are written down, it is possible to go in and *change* the way they are written and have new affirmations that can be read everyday, posted on the mirror, etc.
I want to begin the process of changing my templates.
flower, I appreciate your understanding about my earlier rant on your thread. :oops: This is something that has obviously unlocked a flood...torrent might be a better word :lol: in me. Thank you for your empathy. And thank you too, Portia. The story about my dancing as a child and the relatively recent one about my mother and her boobs hanging out in front of that neighbor are ones that I've never told to anyone. I didn't think anyone would understand and the template says that whatever the truth might be, they are still my family and looking out for my best interests....NOT. :x I think my mother was jealous of me and threatened that the things I could do with dance were things she couldn't do with her own body and that made us...horror of horrors....separate Sheesh. I didn't deserve to be pushed around by her no matter what her NPD mind justifies. The truth is that I was shocked by that action. Now, I realize that if she is resorting to such blatant displays of hatred towards me (which really is herself) then that must mean I am getting better. :)
Portia, I am glad you used the past tense in parentheses. "had?.....yesssssssss.
Rather than thinking others were better than me, I felt for a long time that they knew something I didn't about how to relate to others and so I always go into situation looking for the answer on how to get along...feeling not so much that I am screwed up (anymore than anyone else :P ) but inferior in the area of people skills. I think my yearning to learn how to get along freaks people out. Really, I should stand strong, be confident and change my damn templates!!!
--- Quote ---Had to run away from situations in my 20s and 30s where I suddenly realised I just might be raped, seriously! Anyone else would’ve gotten out of the situation a lot sooner. Or not got into it in the first place.
--- End quote ---
I am going through something similar now. I haven't been raped but I feel very vulnerable and unable to walk to the subway station without feeling that I am being snickered at for setting myself up with someone when I thought - all along - that we were close. Go easy on yourself, P, when thinking "anyone else." Could that be related to the negative templates? I know I heard the hidden msg that I was stupid and everyone else had their act very much together.
Dawning:
flower,
what a difficult time. I know you have a lot of love and compassion for your daughter. and your husband - gout...i've seen that and it looks painful. i wish I could console you. good luck. you have friends here.
Portia:
CJ – yay! Identifying with the outcasts. My best friend was an outsider. It took me ages to get to even think that she was okay. We became friends over quite a while. Turns out she was mightily screwed up by her father’s infidelity, which her mom was quite violent about (not in the family, to the ‘other woman’). I remember when she was with her first proper boyfriend how she was insanely jealous of him even glancing at a girl across the street. Sorry, rambling on, off thread.
Outsiders. Why do we have so-called gay icons? Like Liza Minnelli, Judy G, probably James Dean, Marilyn M etc? I heard someone say it’s because those icons suffered/suffer and come through (or die and their image lives on), they are outsiders too in a way, so they are celebrated as being similar. Outsiders tend to like each other it seems. A bit like us smokers, we (me and the others) huddle together in our dirty habits. And of course we all smoke because at some point we’ve either rebelled against others, or rebelled against ourselves. Ha. My half-bro is at college. He told me all the philosophy students smoke. I said yeah, it’s because they’re mentally unstable (you have to be to study that). He said he thought it was some kind of philosophical statement on life. Kind of! How did I get here? CJ, I thought this might be a new thread. Want to start one? You can paste me if you wish.
Dawning – loved your explanation of your boob-swinging mom. And that you hadn’t told that before. Isn’t it amazing what we find we’ve accepted in the past, when we look at it fresh? And see what really happened? Incredible. I found it shocking too, what you said. Mom used me as a bit of an entertainer.
--- Quote ---Really, I should stand strong, be confident and change my damn templates!!!
--- End quote ---
Clap clap clap! I love that frustration, signalling change. What did I read last night? "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired." But you ‘should’ or ‘can’ or ‘want to’ stand strong?
Ha ha! I’m still laughing at my ‘anyone else would have..’. Yeah! Play the tape and then erase! Oh boy. :roll: Thank you!
Flower – lots of good luck and wishes from me too. Hope you can reach your daughter. Hope she wants to get better. Take care of yourself too. P
Cj:
Thanks portia. I dunno, a new thread might be an idea, I guess its an interesting topic. I don't know if I have anything to add to it really. I'm not stupid, its an interesting topic, but I just don't know if I have anything to say on the topic, or rather, what 'I' really think. I'd love to have been able to be an outsider was my point. As it was I was one in a field of one, and crap.
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