For a long long time on this list, I have told my story or answered questions from the viewpoint of the victim of an abuser and controller.
Since I've been really spending time in the quiet moments of my days, I have come to remember the wonderful things about a certain person in my past. Although she did mistreat me at certain parts of our relationship, we also shared some wonderful times as well.
I have come to realize that this person did the best she could for me with what she knew and was trained to do. I have released all anger, unforgiveness and bitterness toward her to God, and I am at peace now. People can only give what they have to give. They cannot manufacture feelings that they have no clue how to feel. This person did with me what she knew to do, what was done with her by others. For that reason, I can not logically nor fairly blame her for things any longer.
This lady, I will call Jae, was a follower of the same Deity I follow. In fact, she was one of a few of my spiritual leaders. She grew up in a very spiritual family and learned that it was very important to do all things with excellence. Until I met Jae, I had no clue what the difference was between walking out the door in grubby clothes, vs taking the time to match my outfits, do my hair and wear nice makeup. I had very little self-esteem and I did not believe in myself. Now, I wear very stylish, up to date clothing, dangling earrings, some makeup, and I feel great about myself!
Jae was also quite a fun person. She and I used to joke around a lot and even do impersonations of cartoon characters and tv stars. It was so fun. She had a side of her that made her seem like a teenager. She'd sing songs and do hand motions and dance around, even though she was not a teen, and it brought about a freedom for me to be more at ease in life. In fact, it was Jae who, when I would play my keyboard and sing, she told me that if I goofed up, to just keep on singing and not worry about hitting a wrong note. To this day, I can sing with such abandon because of that.
Jae loved to travel and be out places with me. There was a time we hung out all day together, with nothing to do other than ride elevators and visit restaurants. That was a fun kind of boredom but it was great because she was with me and we were smiling and feeling so connected as friends.
She was also one of the best cooks whose food I had ever had the pleasure of eating! She cooked what I'd call GOURMET! Many of our most meaningful times were of her teaching me how to make recipes. I still can't make things as good as Jae did, but at least I found out that yummy things exist on this planet!
Jae was a spiritual giant to me. She had such an intense relationship with God that I wanted that too. She could see things in the spiritual realm that were so amazing; just by listening to her talk, one would just long to join her in her experience. She travelled to other countries, ministering, eating among the people, giving them sweet gifts, and I wanted to be right by her side, doing the same. When I saw a video of her, I immediately could tell that she had such a heart for people. I so admired Jae, more than I can tell you.
This friend of mine loved to tell people that they had a purpose in life. She taught me that too. To this day, I can give the credit to both her and my spiritual moms, for helping me to realize that God put me on this earth to accomplish something good. I've been through some hard things, but I can tell you that I do know what direction I'm headed in, and that is half the battle right there.
Jae was so versatile in the way she ministered. She could be playful and free at one time and then next time, be very deep and theological. She didn't tend to want to rely on books for her teachings, but instead, leaned on her relationship with God to guide her. From that, I learned to trust the inner Voice as being TRUTH and Direction in my own life.
Jae used to tell me things that she believed God was calling me to do. I just was not sure I agreed with her, so I was hesitant. The fact is, those things she saw, many of them have already happened in my life. Jae was not off in her perception or intuition. Unfortunately but fortunately, when we parted, I had to learn how to be directed by God on my own. I had grown to lean on Jae's guidance too much.
Because Jae and I had some problems that I couldn't seem to let go or forgive, I think she must believe that I hate her. She was even concerned that one day I'd write a book and tell the world about all of her flaws and how she hurt me. The truth is, I am grateful to her for all the good things she has planted as seeds in my life. I know that all she ever wanted was that the things she taught me, I'd then apply them to my life and move forward in whatever God led me to do and be. That is what I've been doing. I could never shame her name or hurt her by publishing something that caused her to appear in a bad light. I want only for her to be blessed and do the work of the Lord all the days of her life.
I still hear the wise words and teachings of Jae in my heart every now and then, and I don't believe we ever forget those who took us by the hand and contributed to our lives in meaningful ways. I know I never will forget her nor cease being grateful for her season in my life.
Just wanted to share from the heart a bit.
Blessya'll and to Jae, wherever she is, I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU and MAY GOD BLESS ALL THAT YOU LAY YOUR HAND TO. YOU DID THE ONLY THING YOU KNEW HOW TO DO WITH WHAT YOU HAD IN YOU TO GIVE. YOU TRULY GAVE YOUR ALL! Keep pressin on and pressin in!
~Laura
