Narcisstic Fiance - Need help trying to leave

[Elaine1966]

I have been watching this board for awhile and read some great advice about the NPD in the past but I need help.  I have been with my fiance now for 2 years.  We lived together for the first year, but I was miserable so I moved out the second year, but we stayed together as a couple.  I couldn't understand why he was always on his on-line computer game (addicted, but he denies it) over spending time with me.  When I would approach him about not spending time with me, I was told I was "nagging" and that I needed mental help.  Everytime we would get into an argument, it always was my fault and still is.  He was married, but separated, when we first moved in together.  I found out on my own, based on the clues I was seeing, I asked him about it in which he confessed that yes, he was married but in the middle of a divorce.  I was devastated!  I asked him why he did not tell me that he was married, his comment was "it was none of your business."  At that point, 2 months after moving in with him, I knew I was in trouble. He has never hit me, but he has gotten so mad at me that he was screaming in my face to where his spit was all over me.  He has acted this angry in front of our kids (his and mine) which was also scary.  I could go on and on, but in a nut shell,I went to a counselor who diagnosed him, based on what I was saying, as text book narcissistic.  I tried to leave him this week, (even though I still love him, don't know why) and he began telling me that I was the only one for him, and that I was emotionally destroying him and why was I doing this to him?? He then played a song for me on the radio (which he has never done) about how crazy he was about me.  He just wouldn't let go, telling me he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat etc.  Of course, he sucked me back in because the pain of seeing him in pain was just not tolerable!  But guess what, I am miserable again, because I know he will never change, he is who he is!  We live in two separate homes, but never see each other, maybe one time per week because he sits at home on that darn computer.  He always says, I am welcome at his house anytime, but do you think he would make the effort to see me, not really!  He then follows up with "you were supposed to be living with me, remember? But you chose to live on your own...so I don't want to hear it."  He has a history of cheating on his ex-wife, but I know he is not now, because I have checked things out on my own.  So why does he stay in a relationship with me if he acts like it is not important to spend time with me, or I have to make the initiation?  Why does he not want me to leave him?  Let me add, he works for me and his ex-wife is no longer in the picture.  He is full-time dad to two boys who are still minors...everyone tells me I am his money ticket and mom to his kids!  Anyways, I am sucked back in.  If anyone can help....Please let me know.  I am just very sad and unhappy right now!

[Leah]

Dear (((((( Elaine ))))))

Hello, and a very warm welcome.

You deserve better, much better than this.

Please don't settle for less.

".... money ticket and childminder" sounds like astute advice.

Do keep posting as you feel comfortable.

Leah x

[Certain Hope]

Dear (((((((((Elaine)))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurts so very much, I know.
You already know the answers, truly... you just don't like them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but also Thank God!!! you are not married to this man and hope that you will not allow him to sweet-talk or guilt you into marriage.

My hope and prayer for you is that you will stay away from him once and for all, so that you can reclaim your own sense of self and stability.
In the meanwhile, it's like they say about quitting smoking... never quit quitting.
I went back after npd-ex husband twice before finally accepting within myself that there was nothing I could do to change the mess.

Please continue posting and getting more of this poison out of your system and I believe you'll begin to feel an increase of  the strength which is already within you. Talk and talk and talk, Elaine... because every contact with him depletes your reserves.

With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Elaine,

He has intruded into your sense of self, your very being.

As in brainwashing, with intrusiveness into your heart, soul, psyche (which ever term you are most comfortable with).

As Carolyn has pointed out; keep on writing up, posting, getting it all out, which will help you regain your sense of self and focus.

Warm thoughts,

Leah x

[Gaining Strength]

You are not really sucked back in.  You know too much.  You just don't know how to cut the ties.  Believe it or not it won't come from any advice you might get it will come from learning your own strength and developing that.  First of all don't fear being sucked in - the fear will keep you stuck, besides you aren't really sucked back.

Then what is it in your past that causes you to feel endebted to someone who does not value you?  That can be a difficult question to answer but it may hold the clues for you.  Do you feel that you deserve to be with someone who values you?  If not - can you figure out why not?  I am finding value in answering similar questions in my journey out of bondage to N expectations. 

I know you will find your way to disconnect from this man and find someone who truly values you.  Be patient and be determined.

[Overcomer]

Elaine!!  You are very lucky right now.  #1 you do not live with him anymore and only see him weekly.  #2 He has been diagnosed for you and you already know he is a narcissist.  #3  You see his addiction to computer games AND his anger.  #4 You have already answered your own question.

It may hurt.  Just like when I divorced my husband.  I was SO ready for it to be over.  He had continued to act out and disappoint me for years.  But when the actual divorce happened it was very hard for me.  It just IS.  Knowing that you will be better off with him and you have already pulled away so much............you are half way there.  Yes, it will hurt and yes, he may tell you he loves you, etc.  So make him prove it.  Walk away........

That is my advice to you.....

Love, Kelly

[Bella_French]

Dear Elaine,

I echo the advice that others have offered, and I send you many hugs! I was in your position only 5-6  years ago. It seems like a  dream to me now. I could never imagine putting up with what I did, but it happened. It took a while to recover, but I came out of the `fog' and my life radically improved.

Elaine, It may help to understand that what has happened to you is that you have been `brainwashed', and it has happened over time in subtle ways. Humans' are frail, and we take on board the feedback of those close to us, especially our loved ones. So the `negative feedback' and abuse has an enormous impact, especially when it doesn't start out that way, and then creeps up over time.

The brainwashing is what `immobilises' an N victim, against their better judgment. You have been taught :

- To doubt your own judgment, even when to comes to `little' decisions.
- That you are inherently  `faulty'
- That you are `extremely bad  worthy of abuse
- That you are too insignificant to spend any time with.
- That everything that you offer him - the money, the job, being mother to his kids, is not nearly enough to earn consistent love and kindness
- That his needs count much more than yours
- That his `scraps' of attention are all you deserve
- That if you `tried harder and became `more perfect' then you would earn his love

I think perhaps all N-victims wind up feeling `de-energised' `Immobilised' and `inexplicably in love' due to the above brainwashing, or similar.

It is likely that your feelings of love won't go away before you cut him out of your life. You will need to let go of him whilst loving him, and that is the hardest part. After a while, the fog will lift, but it almost never happens when you still have contact wit that person.

Elaine, My best advice is to look around for new employee to replace the N. As a suggestion, choose a male, who is very gentle and kind, with the right skills for the job. I thin kit would do you wonders being around that sort of male on a regular basis.

And then fire the N. You are lucky to be in a position to do this.

X bella


 

[Leah]

((((((( Elaine ))))))))


I so resonate with Bella's absolutely sound spot on, insightful posting.

Warm thoughts,

Leah x

[Elaine1966]

OMG, I am reading all of your responses and tears just fall!  You all are so right, each and every one of you hit on something within me.  I just needed to hear it.  After our bad week and my trying to leave him, you would have thought he would be trying to keep me; however, here again he proves he cannot change.  It is Sunday, a beautiful day, he phoned me this morning then never called me again until 5:30 pm this evening.  Never asking to spend the day with me......I know he was at home AGAIN on that computer.  His best friend took his youngest son fishing (his best friend does everything with his boys).  I asked him why he didn't go with them..he stated his back hurt, (which it has been bothering him) but bottom line, there is always an excuse.  It's not just me that he doesn't spend time, his boys suffer as well.  His youngest just yearns for his father's attention.  I see my counselor tomorrow, I will be writing again as hearing all your responses to what I am going through just helps me get a little stronger, back to being my own self again.  Thank you again for all your wonderful advice, kind words and wisdom.  I will keep you all posted!

[Overcomer]

You see- it is all about him.  N people think of little else.  I was with a man like this and not only do they Not give but they also take and after awhile you are drained of everything.  They suck the life out of you!

[axa]

Elaine,

I agree with all the other posts.  He will trot out the "I love you" lines etc as long as they are of use to him.  If he had an easier meal ticket he would be gone.  I am sorry but it is as simple as that.  I am glad you are seeing a counsellor and trust this person will support you.  I left when I realised anything was better than what I was living through.  I often wish I had left earlier but that was how it was.  What allowed me cut the physical ties with him was I realised that I was colluding in the abuse by staying.  I may as well have told him "Do what you want with me and I will take it"....... this was the big breakthrough for me.  I stopped focusing on what he was doing because it was nothing other than crazy and started to think about what I was doing.  Why was I staying?  Why was I willing to be treated so badly?  Who did I love?  What was I so afraid of that staying with an N seemed better than the alternative?  I made lists and lists of difficult questions and something in me said this is not living and I wanted to live.

I know how difficult it is to make the break and it can take time but they are parasites and will suck every drop of life out of you if you allow it.  I wish you strength and courage..........  keep posting here.  IMO it really does help

hugs,

axa

[Hermes]

Axa:

That is such a common-sense and down to earth post.  It is, in fact, very simple.  It is a question of survival.  You stay and get worked over mentally and emotionally so often that you no longr know who you are.  Best to go while the going is good, and while you can.

All the best
Hermes

[reallyME]

Elaine,

I think everyone here has really given you excellent advice and comments.  I have two things to tell you, based on my experience with this topic:

1.)  You need to stay away from this man.  It will be hard and feel like you are about to die any moment, but you will get through this one second at a time, then one minute at a time, and then hours at a time, etc.

2.)   Make yourself a chart in a notebook.  Divide a page or pages into several columns, saying "what"  "when"  "where"  "how did I feel"  "what did I want to do"  "what did I do?"  Then, ask yourself:

What is the thought I'm having about him? (I miss him, I can't live without him, I'm gonna just die, I want to die)
When am I having it? (doing laundry, driving, looking at photos of us together, around 8pm)
Where am I when it hits me? (in the car, at the movies, in our favorite spot in the park)
How am I feeling? (miserable, scared, angry, sad, anxious)
What do I want to do about this? (call him, write him a letter, drive off a cliff, scream)
What did I end up doing? ( called him and got his voicemail, ignored my feelings, went out with my friend)

These things came from a book called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person"  They work, because, you begin to notice patterned behavior in yourself and you begin to see the "triggers" of it, when you read what you wrote. There is POWER IN JOURNALLING this way!  Please try it at least, for a few weeks or so.  It will help you see things from objectivity and not emotions.  It is very healing I promise!

One of the main things dysfunctional relationships do to us, is steal our identity and objectivity.  You begin to see things only through the eyes of the relationship, vs how they actually are.  That is dangerous and debilitating.

2.)  Realize that, not only is being with a true narcissist, going to harm you mentally, it also taxes your adrenal glands, causing possible future problems.  Being stressed out, causes an increase in a chemical called cortisol, responsible for fight and flight.  Eventually, it steals the fight and flight right out of you and ruins the rest of your body, starting with the thyroid and adrenal glands, till you can barely function.  No human vessel of clay is WORTH ALL THAT!  There are many other fish in the sea for REAL, who will honor, respect and love you.  He's NOT WORTH LOSING YOUR SELF!

~Laura

[Elaine1966]

Here I go again, in the "rescue" mode.  I just read an article about NPD and read that they spend a lifetime aggressively trying to protect an injured or vulnerable "self."  And how at their core they don't love themselves at all, in fact their self barely exists.  This came from Dr. Grossman's website.  It is so true with my fiance.  He had a really emotionally and physically abusive father.  Also, my fiance was molested by one of his father's ex-girlfriends when he was about 9 years of age.  Therefore, he does not have high regards to women.  It's all very sad and I can see why he is the way he is.  I keep thinking I need to be the one to save him and why should I walk out on him????  I don't want to keep hurting him like he has had in the past.  But at the same time, I know I need to think of myself!  I am so glad I see my counselor today, it is so needed!

[reallyME]

Elaine, two things here:

First, you cannot fix someone who can't see he has a problem

Second, you cannot make someone give you what they just don't have to give

it is impossible and leads to definite eventual insanity for you