Dear Elaine,
No one of us here on this earth can fix another human being... and we've all suffered the pains of abuse, neglect, trauma, etc., to varying degrees. We can't love another person enough to change them... or put up with enough of their bad behavior to convince them that we'll stay, so they can let down their guard against us... it just doesn't work that way. That's like a fairy tale way of thinking... and I know, because I used to think that way.
The best, most honest and helpful thing we can do for another human being is reflect to them the truth of the impact of their behavior upon us. With a person who has the ability to engage in relationship - - he will see our boundaries and limits and either learn to respect them or walk away. But with an NPD person... well, he never sees you in the first place. I mean, literally... he cannot see you - not as an individual with needs and hurts and desires; only as a reflection of all that he despises... within his own self! You're invisible to him, Elaine... and if you try to remain close to him, you will become invisible to yourself.
I'm sorry. That's the truth.
Love,
Carolyn