Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

The Shy/ Covert Narcissist

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Certain Hope:
In contrast to the Arrogant/Overt Narcissist, 
the Shy/Covert  Narcissist

is characterized by vulnerability and sensitivity which manifests itself in defensiveness and hostility. 

Like the Arrogant/Overt Narcissist, the Shy/Covert Narcissist

 has grandiose fantasies,

feels a sense of entitlement,

and is exploitive. 

However, the Shy/Covert Narcissistic personality is characterized by worry,
ineffective functioning,
unfulfilled expectations,
and vulnerability to stress. 

In - Further developments in the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder -

A.M. Cooper summarizes the distinguishing features of the Shy/Covert Narcissist as follows:


     Covert narcissistic individuals are those whose fantasies,
whether conscious or unconscious,
are indeed grandiose, inflated, unrealistic, and self-centered. 

They may be preoccupied with fantasies of grandiose achievements, imagining themselves as world heroes, centers of attention, and acclaimed by all.  However, for one of several dynamic reasons, these fantasies are not expressed in overt behavior and are regarded by the individual consciously as beyond attainment. 
The grandiose desires are not matched by a conviction of personal efficacy. 

 These individuals are conflicted and guilty over their overweening exhibitionistic, competitive, and aggressive desires,
and their defensiveness often leads them to suppress or repress any awareness of the existence of these qualities. 

 Most often, a barrier is imposed by a severe inner conscience that finds these fantasies unacceptable, demanding both that they should be  suppressed and that the person should feel guilty for harboring unacceptable wishes. 

In effect, the superego accurately detects
that within these self-inflating ideas lie self-centered, aggrandizing desires to attribute all goodness and power to oneself
and relegate all weakness and badness to others, an aspect of the angry envy that probably is involved in the genesis of all narcissistic pathology.

******************************
To continue, from
A.M. Cooper's - Further developments in the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder -

The patients, like the public at large, may see only the final defensive inhibitory behaviors
and perceive themselves as shy and unassertive,
unable to obtain what rightfully they deserve. 
Often, the first hint of their underlying grandiosity comes when one realizes that adolescent types of daydreams of being heroic and acclaimed have persisted into adult life with unusual intensity and frequency.

  These individuals often think of themselves as  perfectionists  . . . their fantasy of what they ought to be or produce is so inflated and grandiose that no actual product ever meets their internal standard. 

This discrepancy between unconscious fantasy and reality leads to further guilt and
merciless attack from the conscience for not meeting self-set standards
as well as to feelings of worthlessness concurrent with grandiosity. 

These individuals often come to the attention of psychiatrists because of the depression and sense of inner deadness that they experience, as nothing in the world matches the thrill of triumphant achievement that they imagine is due them.

Certain Hope:
The basic idea is that a narcissist wants to secure himself against the need to say,
"Okay, I made a mistake, I was wrong."
To a narcissist, this is a fate worse than death, and many narcissists quite literally suffer death to avoid the possibility.

Normal people are willing to be found wrong, over and over again, because this is in the nature of life.
Such people expect their personal creative process to eventually bear fruit, and are willing to experiment with reality,
walk paths not yet explored, sometimes stumble and fall,
in the hope of contributing something new to the store of human knowledge.

At some risk of oversimplification, a normal person is willing to be wrong 100 times in order to create something uniquely new and useful,
while a narcissist sacrifices this opportunity, this stage of personal evolution, in order to be secure against the possibility of being found wrong.

For a normal person, being wrong is the price we pay for the creative process.
For a narcissist, being wrong is too high a price to pay —
better to label other people as wrong, from within an impregnable fortress of mediocrity.
Unfortunately, in exchange for an infantile kind of security, narcissists sacrifice any chance to positively influence the world.

SilverLining:
This is very helpful!  Thanks for posting. :)   In the past I have described my father as borderline autistic but shy/covert narcissism may be a better explanation of his overall behavior.   In his youth, he imagined himself becoming a great military general and even applied to West Point.  I'm fuzzy on details but I believe he was accepted and then for some reason didn't go.  Maybe at an unconscious level he knew he had no chance of success.  So then he ends up a nuclear scientist when it appeared in the 1950's this technology was going to save the world.   That fantasy fell apart by the 70's and he spent most of his mid/later life in a depressive autistic state, even though from an outside point of view he didn't have a bad career.  He once wrote a letter to my brother in which he described himself as "wanting to soar but totally failing to do so". 

Aspergers syndrome seemed a good label because I never directly experienced the early grandiose phase, but I definitely got to see the later subtle sense of entitlement, failure, and severe vulnerability to stress.  He used to come home from his job and lie in bed for hours with a hot water bottle, supposedly because of stress from his job. 

My head is spinning from all the new revelations in the past few weeks....  :lol:

Certain Hope:
You are so welcome, tjr! I always benefit from your posts... and so glad to reciprocate!

This area of covert narcissism is fairly new to me, as well... and instantly I recognize alot of my mother in it... and in what you describe of your father, coming home to his hot water bottle. E v e r y step of life is so absolutely dreadful and stressful for these folks, I think. My mother was in a constant state of being internally overwound and yet depressed... and simple depression or ocd or any other tag just never explained it.

For me, having always been quite shy (until I met and survived npd ex in my 40's!!), I can see clearly the roots within myself of this covert narcissism... and I almost feel as though it may be what helped me survive some of the dreadful setbacks over the years (as well as likely helping me into position for setbacks  :?). The ingredients for this mess are all there, within me... and yet, so is empathy... and I attribute the activation of that empathy to my own children, without whom...
well, I think I might be much more like my mother than I care to imagine.

So yeah, my head's spinning, too... lol  :?
See, I never sacrificed my need to be right.
I just hit enough walls which proved me wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt that I woke up.
Thank God!

Thanks for your comments, tjr.. always much appreciated.

Carolyn

Elaine1966:
WOW, this was very enlightening for me as well!  My fiance shows many of the Shy/Covert signs as well.  He appears somewhat anti-social, he does not like social events or family gatherings, Holidays, etc.  He sits at home on that computer game.  He enflates everything and acts as the world centers around him.  Acts as he is the "all powerful" and we must all listen to what he says.

This so helps me to realize I am not alone with this topic.  I wish us all well with this very powerful subject that affects many of our lives.

Elaine

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