She told me that I "disengaged " from Scott ,at that point and that layed the foundation for his death. What a freaking grief counselor she is (lol) I felt like she slapped me across the face and she did ,knowingly or unknowingly.
THEN, we did not go up and get Scott at school that day b/c he had said the same things many,many times.
She told me that I did not have a Mother's heart.
I don't see anything positive in what she said and I don't see that what she said was necessarily the truth. I think she is WRONG in saying that you "did not have a Mother's heart." I see that you have nothing but a mother's heart. I also don't see how she could possibly know that your disengaging lay the foundation for his death. Noone can be in his mind or his heart at the time of his death. Many things, many events, many people's actions could have led Scott to react in dispair.
Ami, allowing your husband to groom Scott to be a golden boy could have possibly been a good thing. You were not raising Scott or his brother in isolation. You were raising them in the context of your family, your community and the world. You and the counselor are looking at what happened to Scott by looking back. Hindsight shows things with more clarity. I find it harsh and judgmental to lay responsibility for his death at your feet. Had you had any clue what would you have done differently? Are you certain that if you could do them differently that he would be alive today? I don't believe that you can say so.
In every 12 step program I have read anything about and every intervention strategy I am familiar with it is made CLEAR that family, friends and others are NOT responsible for the addicts actions only the addict is. If Scott had been an addict and had died of an overdose he would have been held responsible. I think it is wrong to lay ANY responsibility at your feet.
Not only is it wrong but there is no good that can come of it. I am adamant that YOU are not responsible for Scott's death. Your actions did not lead to his death. If you could have done anything to help him you would have. If you knew anything would have been harmful to him you would have given anything to keep him from harm.
I will not give up my determination to fight against the message that you in any way caused him to commit suicide. I don't believe it and I see only profound damage that can come from such a supposition. Enough damage has already happened. Do not take this on Ami - it does not belong to you.
You must take care of yourself. You must find support and caring kindness. Let the verse "perfect love cast out fear" be the test. Is the message being sent to you from love or from fear? Love does not necessarily come in the form of softness and gentleness but even straight forward love when tested does not engender dark fear based emotions. Her words yesterday were shaming and demeaning and those are not based in love.
That doesn't mean that some of the things she said are not helpful and useful but these particular things are simply wrong.
