Just found this article -- it tells the story of N saint. She is trying to delete me from existence and that is what triggered my memories from when I was a little girl, abandoned by my mom.
After the first 6 months that my mom was gone I became distressed. I figured that mom would never come back. The agony was incredible, the pain debilitating, excruciating. Too much trauma for a little four year old. I have relived trauma, I have told the story, and experienced what she felt on so many levels and for so many years.
This last round of pain was the most excruciating. N Saint triggered me in the threat that she is trying to diminish me from my ministry. It was really the story of how my mom's prolonged absence created a sense of overwhelming distress and fear that if she never came back then I would be diminished.
The place of wound is the place of healing. Or, all mental illness is a refusal to suffer.
Last night I called a friend, crying and aching I heard myself say, "I have never experienced so much trauma, this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through." Yet, my life today is normal, no trauma just reliving the trauma of that 4 year old.
After 15 years of memories and original pain work I'm not almost there. I can't feel it, the darkest hour is just before dawn though, maybe next year I'll have less pain.
Loss of Supply
If they have not discarded you first, sometimes the horror of what you are dealing with comes by chance to light, you have believed their lies and have been so subservient to help them out, you have felt sorry for them, you have treated them with kindness and respect while they have been manipulating you and others all along, it's only when it's too late that you realize the truth, they are evil.
You finally point out you expect them to treat you and others as a human, hoping to see some empathy, to say they are sorry. This doesn't happen with narcissists, they lack empathy, they are unable to put themselves in other people's "shoes", in fact, it usually makes things much worse to confront them about to their abusive behavior, and this is when you truly see the extent of their mental illness.
The narcissist views any criticism as a threat to their false self. They will typically act defensive, aggressive and cold. They will detach emotionally and feel violated. The narcissist can become so enraged at the infliction of injury to his false self that they will attempt to destroy the source of the criticism.
Suddenly alone, they can develop persecutory delusions, having paranoid tendencies, will you tell others? Warn their next supply, causing them even further narcissistic injury? they lose touch with reality and retreat to their own little world where they are either the hero (worshiped) the golden days of gaining new supply who in the beginning adored their charming happy false self or the victim (pitied) when supply has abandoned them and they have lied and manipulated everyone using projection into falsely believing they are the victim.
Unless you can relocate, you will have to cope with the narcissist's toxic wrath. You found the power to leave but the narcissist is not finished with you. Above all you must be silenced and deleted from his world, just like the victims before you. Narcissists are the masters of lies and manipulations, they will be bolder, will backstab and betray with more intensity. The narcissist feels justified in this behavior, and has no realization of consequences. They have fierce need to regain power and control. They have tunnel vision when you have become their designated enemy for daring confront them about abusing you and others and for finding the strength to leave.
Think back to the beginning, the many people in his past, claiming how he treated them so well yet he always ended up as the "victim" or they were in his life for a briefly when you knew him, yet they were oddly quiet around you, and you sensed they wanted to tell you something and before you could ask them, they were suddenly totally absent from his world. He justified his paranoid behavior as the ones from his past might come back to harm him, you felt so sorry for him. Now because you are confronting him about his lies, manipulations and abusing you and others, now you face his bizarre behavior, he is using "projection" telling everyone HE is the victim. This is how he hid his past abusive behavior and will be using the same tactic manuver again.
Validation comes from the ones deleted from his past; to find out we are all his victims, the passing years have not faded the emotional scars and bitterness of how they were victims, charmed into trusting him and feeling sorry for him, only to be subjected to his lies and cruel manipulations. Now you realize the reason why he is so paranoid, he is the abuser trying keep his past victims deleted from his world - no one must know.
Red Flag
Does it remind you of childhood days? The bully in the playground masquerading as a friend yet tormenting a cheerful good child only when no one else is around, eventually they stand up to the bully asking them to be nice or they will tell.
Then you see how emotionally immature the bully really is. They blurt out "no one will believe you!" and threaten the good child with physical harm. When challenged, a bully can in turn become even more vicious, stooping to unscrupulous methods of retaliation, terrified of being uncovered, they run crying to their mommy, "projecting" themselves as the helpless "victim".
The bully then stands behind their parent, the good child is unjustly lectured. It does not matter if the innocent one tries to say they are in fact the victim, because they know how evil the bully is when no one is around, as they have sadly found out, the bully has resorted to physically abusing others into silence the past.
All the drama the bully created, to threaten and silence his victim, bury the truth, save his false image, gain pity, and attention - a sweet fix of narcissist supply replenished to the bully’s warped ego. Now imagine this bully in adulthood but still having the emotional level of a five year old.
