Parent-ification

[Bella_French]

......

[teartracks]

Hi Bella,

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your interpretation as far as I can tell.  I'm sure there are deeper complexities to it, but my understanding is that it is when the parent looks to the child to be their parent.  

Good topic and I look forward to reading along.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Dear Bella,

Thank you for this great topic... I'll definitely give it some further thought!

My initial reaction re: my own personal experience is - - it's not so much that my mother expected me to parent her, as that she seemed to expect me to not require parenting! It was as though I was expected to be an instant adult - with no emotional needs whatsoever.

In relating to my own children over the years, I can see that I actually allowed them to parent me, to a certain extent (particularly my older 2 daughters). It's not that I looked to them to meet my needs, but more that I was so intimidated by their free expression of emotions that I thought of them as almost a higher life form than myself! (I know that sounds weird, but it's the best I know to say it.)  I soooo never wanted to be cold and distant with them as my own mother was with me, that I actually allowed them far more leeway than I should have, in some respects... and far less, in others.

Definitely I need to think on this some more.  Thank you so much!

With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Bella,

    ROFL

However,

Just looked up "Parentification"

Parentification refers to children or adolescents assuming adult roles

before they are emotionally or developmentally ready to manage those roles successfully.


Which does relate to my childhood experience.  Except, I did not assume the role, it was enforced upon me.


When the child becomes the parent and takes on adult responsibility in the home.  It robs a child of their childhood.


As the first born, "maude the mule" the responsibility for my younger siblings was enforced upon me.

On a positive note, it gave me the independence that held me upright.

Grateful for the gift of resilience.

Leah x

[Leah]

This looks interesting, though it is not for free, one has to purchase the article ...


The Parentified Child: Early Competence or Childhood Deprivation?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bryanne Barnett a1 and Gordon Parker a1
a1 School of Psychiatry, University of New South Wales, Kensington, New South Wales, Australia

Abstract


A review of the psychological, psychiatric, and social science literature revealed that parentification and role-reversal are terms that are used extensively, often without precise definition, although the implication is almost invariably that the process is pathogenic. An organismic rather than mechanistic view of the situation might suggest that, as is so often the case, whether the effects are adverse or not depends on a multitude of other factors. The final outcome for any individual can only be judged at the end of his or her life-span and the judgement will be largely subjective.

Key Words: Parentification; role reversal; attachment; boundary violation; resilience; vulnerability.

[Leah]

You are greedy, having both 

((((( Bella )))))


Leah x

[SilverLining]

Darn,  I think I was probably both  parentified AND  spousified.

Looks the same way for me and my siblings.  It's actually kind of mindblowing how close some of the description of spouseification is to symptoms of my FOO I wrote just a couple of days ago.      Parentification and spouseification.  I may have to take a break from looking for new insights on my past...

I've known of the parentification term for years and have found it very useful.  In my experience the dynamic can very subtle.  It was  clear in my FOO the parents usually were "good enough" at providing for material needs.  I always had food, clothing, e.t.c.., even some level of extras.  But emotionally there was a "reverse flow" going on.  The cost for material support was acting as their emotional parent.  On the level of what could be seen and judged by casual outsiders, they were doing what they were supposed to do, so it was hard to identify the abuse. 

Thanks for posting Bella. 

[SilverLining]

I was thinking this morning of another aspect.  To the extent we are put into the reversed role position, then growing up and becoming independent is abandonment of our "job".   And thus independence is a threat to our security since performing the reversed role was the basis for our security in childhood.  It feels like a no win struggle.  While we may desperately want to get away from the FOO, we are conditioned to feel guilty and insecure for separating.  It sure has been this way for me.  The FOO has done little for me emotionally since I was about 8 years old, yet I find myself wracked with guilt feelings for staying away.