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what to do about custody/visitation with an N dad?

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Anonymous:
Dear Fifi,

I join the battle cry.  Go to www.bpdcentral.com and look up the information about how to protect yourself when divorcing someone like this.  BPD stands for borderline personality disorder.  Get a good lawyer, the best you can find and ask them if they have experience in dealing with someone like this.  Tell him/her upfront that you expect the worst.  Take PROACTIVE action.  Don't give him a chance to slander you and put you on the defensive.  Decide on a game plan and do it.  And keep a log, record events with dates.  Protect yourself and don't be apologetic, or feel selfish or guilty about it.  

Ns/BPDs are too shortsighted to understand or accept the consequences of their own decisions and actions.  This situation is not your fault just because they can't accept that it's theirs and have to put the blame on you.  Don't be distracted by blame.  Just stick to your gameplan and keep your eyes on YOUR goal.  

Good luck.  Seeker

CP:
I divorced a N and have a child. for the last year I have been trying to "manage" the visits.& we all know that you cannot really manage a N in any productive way.I felt that keeping my son away from him was cruel.But let me share my year long struggle.N's are know for no empathy and self indulgance.This will be evident in your ex's relationship w/the children.He will be inconsistent,reckless and at times put the children at risk due to the behaviors many N's portray especially in times of stress or anxiety such as a divorce.He may expose him to sexual escapades w/other women,and of course violence(i agree w/ others that he sounds more BPD. But all in all-you can always give more custody later if it works out and all is calm..but its VERY hard to take away once you give custody.For your sanity and the kids safety and in order for you to maintain control over his behavior around your children. Severly limit visitation and try to limit overnight..like I said if a year down the line he's doing good then re-visit.You have made a huge step now dont let him control you or your children in the future.Give little,expect nothing...and examine later...

fifi:
Hi CP, Bunny, Jessie, Seeker, and Guests,
Thank you.  CP, thank you for sharing your experience with this.  I do realize i can always give more custody but not take it away.  it's good to be reminded of this.  And yes, he certainly HAS shown inconsistency, recklessness with his current visitation - i.e. constantly trying to change the visitation days, being late getting them and returning them, cancelling last minute, not letting me know - and more iimportantly them know - if he's going to see them that evening, taking them overnight on a day that he knew I had special plans with them without warning, to keep them from me, and other cruel things.  He also carts them around constantly on long long drives, like they're fedex packages, all the time.  He had no consistent bedtime for them- "it's up to them when they want to go to sleep" and they're young, etc.  

My N is probably both - borderline and N.  I wrote a detailed description of my story once on this site, but my N found it and now I can't go into too much detail and I had to change my name, bc my N is probably periodically checking this board.  Too bad.  He even had to ruin my outlet - i've received so much help from this board and the wonderful people on it but now i have to go back into hiding.

Thank you all again.

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