Invalidation

[Lupita]

Lolly, it seems that nobody understands me. BOO  BOOO

I was speaking metaphorically, but my association of ideas is kind of different to other people. You did not understand my context. My wireing is different from other ladies. But it is OK. I dont have any more energy to explain what I was trying to mean.

I guess now I will go to sleep.

And no, you may not go to the bathroom.

just kidding.

[Lupita]

OK LOL i came back to try once more, not to cnvence you of my point, but to see if I can make my self understood by others, not to change or agree, just to understand what I am expressing.

To know that you are being invalidated, you have to be validated before. You cannot feel invalidated if you do not know what being validated means.

For example, if you say bad words in English, I know they are bad words, but do not make me feel a special feeling, as if I hear them in my native language. In my foreign language class I have seen students say bad words and they feel indifferent and they say, I did not know that was a bad word.

For example, whrere I come from, there is a big room where many people sleep, extended family of course, not strangers. But in this country, I was not able to rent an apartment of one bedroom, because they told me that my son had to have his own bedroom.

My concept of privacy was very different. My son grew up and now his concept of privacy is very different. I never had a bedrrom of my own in my entire life until I came to live in the USA. In m culture you only have privacy when you get married. so, you know something, I am tired, and I do believe that no matter what I say I will not be able to express what I mean, which is not what you meant in your previous post, with which I agree in about 95%.

Night night

[Hopalong]

Lupita,
I thank you for this detail because it helped me understand so much more about you...

My concept of privacy was very different. My son grew up and now his concept of privacy is very different. I never had a bedrrom of my own in my entire life until I came to live in the USA. In m culture you only have privacy when you get married

I think I'd feel invisible in Western culture half the time if I had internalized a sense of group the way you were raised with, and then came to live in a place where people have trouble with eye contact, are obsessed with inividualism and ownership and boundaries and personal possessions and privacy, and haven't developed as much sensitivity to others' presence because we're so absorbed with our own.

It makes more sense to me how sensitive you are to others' body language, facial expressions, etc. How acutely you notice their reactions (or lack of). In a group bedroom, people would learn the subtleties of cooperation and coexistence and have a sort of "I am part of others, I feel normal when I am a WE" in a way that children in this culture do not.

I think.

I hope you don't mind my discussing all this. It was a very interesting thought to me, anyway.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

I understand better now, after reading your last post... along with Hops' post (which makes very good sense to me, too... and I also find interesting -  thank you, Hops)

I think maybe what you're saying is: A person cannot miss what she/he has never known....

(disclaimer: except I don't think that applies to God, for instance, because I believe we have enough of the void left from His original imprint that there is always a longing for His fullness to return).

So glad you returned here to post again, Lupita... it is good to gain better understanding.

Carolyn

[Hermes]

I understand what you mean, Lupita.  We are not quite so "don't touch me" here.  We kiss on both cheeks people we meet for the very first time, and there is nothing wrong either here with touching someone while you are speaking to them.  
In other words "feelings" are O.K.  I absolutely cannot believe that you could not rent a one-bedroom apartment, just because your son would be required to have a bedroom of his own.  Of course it would be grand for him to have his own bedroom, once you would be financially able to provide that kind of apartment.  But, it is the odd thinking behind the ban which I find just a little disturbing....

All the best to you, and hope you had a good sleep last night.
Hermes

[Lupita]

Ten years ago. Hermes. My son is now 22 and living on his own.

Well, it seems that we hijacked leas thread, and I apologized for my part.

Sorry Lea.

[Lupita]

Well, I dont think I was validated, though.

People think understnad me. Then I realize they dont. But that is not important, but the good intentions of all these good people.

Sorry I dont feel validated. I do believe that Hermes understands. Why, her words have something.

But anyway, no, I did not find it validating, but it gives me comfort that there are good people like Hopalong and CH that have good intentions and try to empathize.

[Leah]

Sorry I dont feel validated

Dear Lupita,

Then, in that case, maybe, you do feel Invalidated,
which is in context of this thread topic.

i.e   Invalidated  ~   don't feel understood

Love, Leah

[Hermes]

Yes, Lupita, I can kind of stand in your shoes. 

Funny thing, even across the miles, and through an inanimate vehicle like the internet and my computer screen, I can "feel" some people better than others.  (a bit like telepathy, LOL).  With Lupita, I kind of can "get" her, like a radio wave. 

All the best
Hermes

[Leah]

Invalidation

Most of us wonder why the populations in the world who seem to have the greatest mobility and most material possessions are suffering from the yoke of despair and depression. One of the biggest causes is invalidation. As human beings we need to be both independent and interdependent. We need to feel a sense of love and of contribution. If either are missing we are sad, we are defeated, we are joyless.

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, control or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotions. The working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. The emotional processes which worked as a defense for him when a child will probably work against him as an adult.

Invalidation kills confidence, creativity, individuality... and if we do not find a way to re-empower our individual and collective lives and to connect with our humanity it will slowly erode all that we have built into a tower of sand.

The solution that we seek in our lives, in our work and in our world does not lie outside us but within us. We each have the power to move past invalidation by igniting the power of our heart, to touch our mind and infuse our life, and the lives of others, with validation and joy.



I cannot give my permission to anyone -- to do the work of Intrusivenes, into my [inner core self] -- my heart, my soul.  Therefore, I need to guard my heart, in order to retain the inner peace, joy and deep contentment, that is part of my authentic self.

I cannot give my permission for someone else to define me.

Love, Peace & Joy  (((( Everyone ))))

Leah