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trembling!

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sjkravill:
I am hoping you will lend a supportive eye today.

Some of you know, I am away from my possibly Nh for the summer.  I was feeling really great, until I saw an old friend yesterday. We were talking about life, and my story of mostly emotional abuse from h just spilled out.  I started to tremble uncontrolably as we were talking.  She believes I am in danger.  I am not so sure about that.

But it made me realize for the first time how this has shaken me to the core.  I have been so strong in order to hold my work together, and in order not to show a bullly that he scares me.  Suddenly, far removed, months later, I am trembling as my speak.  The trembling stopped when we changed the subject.  I was fine until I drove home.  On the way, it started again, as I was reflecting, along with a loss of appetite, sleep, you get the picture.  I almost feel as though I have the flu or something.


I don't know how to cope with this.  I don't know if I should get back to distracting myself, or if I should dwel on it or deal with it in some way.  I am going back to him in 4 weeks.  I was/am under the impression that things were improving.  They might be, or this might be part of a cycle.  Again, I feel completely lost in how to conceptualize this... And how to deal with this intense physical reaction.

Anyone got any suggestions?
peace, S

Anonymous:
S

It sounds like you have post tramadic syndrome.  You are feeling safer which is allowing you to tell someone else about what has happened to you.  At the same time, you are listening to yourself and your body is telling you that you have been through some terrible things.  Since you have been able to be away from him all summer, why would you contemplate going back to him - ever?  Give yourself permission to be free.

Hugs

Max

Portia:
Dear God Sjkravill. I don’t know if it’s all him, or him combined with staying with your parents, or what. But something is very, very wrong here. Please do not marry this man, or any man! – until you know what it is that is troubling you. Your mind is telling your body that something is very wrong. Can you stay away longer? Can you stay with your friend for a few days? She can see some major change in you and is worried about you. I’m worried about you, I have been since you said you couldn’t sleep properly when you are with him. That’s not good and not ‘normal’ and not acceptable. Please don’t distract yourself. It’s your life. Please make the right choices now while you’re young. Because it won’t be so easy to extract yourself when you’re older, when you might have children and when you just might feel even worse than you do now. I am concerned about you, reading your post. You’re important. Please look after your-self.

Can you see a local doctor or counsellor? This warrants a visit to either or both. You do not have to cope with it! Ask for help. You don’t have to deal with it, or cope, alone. And please come back and talk some more if you can and you want to! Hugs and love, P

BlueTopaz:
Hi Sjkravill,

I was going to say just what Max did, that it truly sounds like post traumatic stress disorder.   That means that whatever you have come out of for your hiatus(I'm fairly new here & so do not know your history) has been traumatic to you, and not a good, or healthy situation.  

If you are dealing with an N (as you say that you possibly are), it is a very, very rigid disorder, and I would sadly agree with you that what seems like improvement is likely just part of the cycle.

It took me 5 years to realize that with my xN, and honestly, I still at times, wonder if he has or could change! :oops:   Though, there is no chance of my being involved romantically with him again, I wonder if someone else will have all of the benefit that I wanted.  That being the healed, self-actualized him.    

Then I snap to my senses, and realize the truth.   But from time to time, I snap out again...   Accepting the truth and letting go can be a process of going back & forth between the fantasy thoughts and reality thoughts.   At first it can be more fantasy, and little by little over time it becomes more reality, with only small spurts of fantasy thinking.    

Again, I don't know your situation but from other's messages it sounded like you have a choice whether to remain in the relationship or not (i.e. you are not stuck financially, with young kids etc.)  

I think your body and inner self were giving you extremely strong and serious messages, that would be well worth listening to.   They are a part of you that is literally shouting very clear, uninfluenced (by the heart/hopes) information concerning what would be best for you.
 
As Portia said, maybe you could see a local counselor.   I think it would truly be best to do it while you have this physical distance between you & your partner, and I really, really hope you are able to see someone.    

If you can't see anyone locally, I would sort of be afraid for you, that going into the feelings might be too much of an emotional overload on you to do on your own.    Maybe you would be able to gage your feelings and stop when it seems like it is getting to be too much, but sometimes things become overwhelming before we know it.    

I don't know how you feel about allowing yourself to go into your feelings, in terms of whether you feel you would be okay to do so where you are at right now.  There were times/circumstances where I knew I needed to wait before allowing myself to go to a certain place within (I felt I might have freaked out in not a good enviroment to do so in), and other times where I felt safe letting it all out with myself, having comfort with the time & place I was at.      

If you are not sure, maybe you could allow only more surface or more neutral thoughts in (i.e. plans for giving yourself more time, plans for finding a counselsor & things you might want to address), and mostly spend time with your friend/s doing things that make you feel great, and de-stressed.

You could plan to speak to a counselor when you get back to your home area to examine these feelings and the relationship in depth.  

Take good care.....

Anonymous:
Hi Sjkravill,

I am very sorry to hear that you are hurting.   :oops:  I agree with all here that you are going through some awful stress about your relationship.  Your friend may be on to something by saying you are in danger.  It may not be physical danger, but a threat to your emotional health and spirit.  

I have shaken like this only in severe circumstances: once when I witnessed a motorcycle accident (it was a very warm night, but still I shook to see a grown man fly like a rag doll).  Another time was after the very physical stress of childbirth, a warm blanket was heaven.  I think trembling is a very clear sign that something MAJOR is up with you.  

If you had a broken leg, you would see a doctor.  Your body is definitely trying to get your attention.  I would definitely see a therapist (apologies, can't remember if you are in therapy, or NH, or both  :? )  Let a professional take a clear-eyed look at your situation.  It could very well be PTSD.  Please take care.  Lots of hugs to you.  
Peace, Seeker

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