Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
trembling!
sjkravill:
Hi again,
Thank you all for your kindness. Let me see if I can flesh it out some more. Thanks for all of your thought provoking questions.
What do I love about him? He has a very sweet, romantic side. He just sent me a mixed CD for our anniversery of all of the love songs that remind him of me. He can say the kindest things about me. Sometimes I am sure he is crazy about me. I am attracted to how clever he can be (when he is in a non-sadistic way). He goes to great lengths to make me laugh. I am attached to him too... because I know him so well. I know his suffering and I care about him deeply.
I always said I would never let this sort of thing happen to me. But it sort of sneaks up gradually. Then, by the time I realize it, the stakes are so high, because I are involved. Shit! I am two years married! I am willing to let things go now, that I would never have tolerated from an objective perspective.
What would ending the relationship mean? It would mean breaking his heart. Breaking the hearts of his family, disappointing mine... It would mean the loss of a dream. The dream I had of a relatively good marriage that would last a long time. It would mean major heartache and stress. It would mean the loss of the good times, the loss of some love, the loss of potential and companionship. Right now, I could not be sure I was doing the right thing. What if this is just one of those hard times we will get through? What if it's mostly in my head?
Of course, there is also the fantasy of being independent and free. I don't know why marriage and independence have to be mutually exclusive in my mind.
What does being free in marriage look like? Good question. I wish I could articulate it. H convinces me that he wants that for me. So, I start to think I am expecting too much. He is benevolant and hoping the best for me, and I am only holding myself down. Truthfully, I don't know what I mean by that.
Why must I go back? I am only away on an internship. I have big plans to go to my dream grad school in the fall. We are not separated or even in a state of conflict at the moment. I want it to all work out.
Why can't I make the appointment for counseling? Because I need to be convinced that he is committed. I don't know if the suggestion was only a calculated attempt to get me happy again.
Thanks again for your kindness, and letting me process
Peace, sjkravill
Anonymous:
Hi Sjkravill --
I'm sure this must be very hard for you and I wish you the best in sorting out your feelings.
--- Quote ---Why can't I make the appointment for counseling? Because I need to be convinced that he is committed. I don't know if the suggestion was only a calculated attempt to get me happy again.
--- End quote ---
However, I agree with Bunny on the issue of therapy. You say that you need to be convinced that he is committed, yet you say it's been several months since he made the offer and you told him you wanted him to make the appointment. If he was serious, he would have done it. By not following through on this, I think you're signalling to him that he can win you over with nice words without actually having to change his behavior.
So call his bluff. Tell him you're making the appointment yourself. If he agrees, you may have taken the first step to some important changes. If he now refuses to go, you'll know that the offer was a sham. Either way, you'll have learned something.
With best wishes,
Morgan
mighty mouse:
Since you've only been married two years, you have a lot to lose by not getting out now. Why wait until the inevitable happens with kids and lots of investment in time, emotions, etc.?
Your situation sounds like a book I read a few years back called "I closed my eyes". I can't remember the author's name - Michelle something I think. But her husband sounds exactly like yours.....sweet, heart rending notes and all. But he turned out to be a bigtime monster.
Dearest, you are young. You have opportunities us old broads on the board don't have. You have time on your side. But you won't always have it. Most of us have spent too many years giving too much and suffering too much for abusive people. And you are in a "choice" situation meaning you aren't putting up with a parent or sibling or someone you can't get away from.
You sound like you are fantasizing a bit. I don't mean to be patronizing. I just wish you had the hard won knowledge of some of us who are 20-30 years older and have been there, done that so to speak.
Good luck to you.
MM
fifi:
Hi,
I haven't finished reading all of your response posts, but I had to jump in and comment on a few things.....
the realiziations and admittances of his wrongdoing, the insights, are all tools with which to manipulate you into staying with him and even feeling sorry for him! Yes, hooks they are! I have been on the receiving end of so many of these insights and realizations from my xN - it's why I stayed 8 years with him! They always fill you with hope and you think it's so hard for them to admit their wrongdoing. But, sadly, it's easy - they know what you want to hear and they produce it for their own purpose of your loyalty. They don't really have feelings so they're not humiliated, embarrassed, remorseful, etc. upon admitting how wrong they've been, messed up they are, selfish, etc - you and I would feel this way under the same circumstances, but they don't - they lack real feeling. Do NOT get sucked in.
Also, I left an N recently - after 8 years of marriage. I have kids. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life to leave, but boy oh boy i feel great now! I'm free! I can not describe the simple joy of feeling safe and thinking for yourself!
I don't know the history of abuse in your relationship, but if you're at all scared of your husband, you have reason to be. If the abuse is emotional now, it could get physical . If it's "on the edge" of being physical, it will progress. This is what happened to me. Therapists will not see this, point it out, etc, for the most part - especially couples' counselors. It's couples counselors' job to try to work things through. Who to trust to make this decision? You! You're strong, you're smart, and you and your children (I'm sorry if you don't have any and i'm mistaken - i think i read that you do?) deserve to feel healthy! If that means getting away then go for it. It may be the hardest thing you'll ever do but it will be the best.
WantsYourOpinion:
sjkravill:
Check out this webpage:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
See if it fits your husband. Don't lie to yourself; I know about lying to yourself because you love someone. I loved someone, too, but he doesn't love me. It only LOOKS like he loves me. I deserve the real thing and so do you. Anyone who HURTS you, again and again and again, does NOT love you! Believe me, I know: I left my man two months ago and you're right about how much it would hurt you. It hurt terribly; I was convinced that he loves me (still think so, in his own way, but I'm probably delusional!) and I knew I loved him (except the part that I hated)! You have to care more about yourself, though, than you care about anyone else. No one in this world is going to care as much about you as you do (maybe your parents and siblings, that's it).
I don't care that he
--- Quote ---...has a very sweet, romantic side.
--- End quote ---
My love had one, too. He was the most romantic man I've ever known (and I'm older than you with much more experience). EVERYTHING with him, when he was GOOD, was the best. He knew just what to say and when to say it; just what to do and when to do it. But it wasn't worth the PAIN when he WASN'T the "best." And, by the end, he was not "good" most of the time. I felt like I was being eaten alive; my personality changed because of him.
--- Quote ---What would ending the relationship mean? It would mean breaking his heart. Breaking the hearts of his family, disappointing mine... It would mean the loss of a dream. The dream I had of a relatively good marriage that would last a long time. It would mean major heartache and stress. It would mean the loss of the good times, the loss of some love, the loss of potential and companionship. Right now, I could not be sure I was doing the right thing. What if this is just one of those hard times we will get through? What if it's mostly in my head?
--- End quote ---
If he is a narcissist, "breaking his heart" is not possible. A narcissist loves no one but themselves. As for the loss of a dream: even if that were true, that's a very small thing compared with the loss of your SELF. And if he is a narcissist, you can be sure that you will lose your self if you stay. And if you must end this marriage, that doesn't mean your dream dies. You can still have a good marriage that lasts a long time! You cited a long list of "losses" but I'm telling you that none of those things is worth the loss of your SELF. Read that list on the webpage I gave very, very carefully and honestly and you should be able to tell, in your heart of hearts, if you would be doing "the right thing."
One of the things that leaped out at me in your initial post was
--- Quote ---...my story of mostly emotional abuse from h just spilled out.
--- End quote ---
When you say "mostly" are you saying that he has hit you, shoved you, pushed you, or physically abused you in ANY way? If so, you shouldn't even look back when you leave!
Sorry if my directness is hurtful; I don't mean to be hurtful but it's amazing how we humans rationalize away reality with what we WANT to see. We have to have the rationalizations stripped away in order to get to the truth. It's important, so I'll say it again: Anyone who HURTS you, again and again and again, does NOT love you!
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