You seem to have gotten much more peace inside yourself,since you started on the board. You seem like you are handing a hard situation with equanimity. Am I right?
Yes, and all the people here have helped extraordinarily.
Well, maybe you are right about handing the situation with equanimity. On the one hand, time has helped me detaching. On the other hand, when she invited me to the pregnancy course, I was present and one of the most painful issues, that was being completely absent from the pregnancy of my PB, disappeared.
It still hurts. Today I went to a bookstore to choose a book about babies, I couldn't. Each one talked about the couple, one helping another. I got sick. I felt robbed once again.
Thank you, Ami!
Do you have any idea who the other candidate for fatherhood might be? If there is one?
Yes, but the list of possibilities isn't short. The first one could be a judge in the countryside, she slept at his house when she went to town to work there, twice a month. When we were together, she was returning at the end of the day, but she worked at another cities very close. Usually when she slept in one of these cities and I phoned her she was very strange, very cold and distant. Other possibility is a dance instructor that she was involved with and refused to end contact. The other one is her boyfriend of seven years, which is still contacting her today, she says.
These are the three main possibilities. But she "joked", for example, that she was going to do it with her therapist. Later I found out he is a fraud and had an affair with his secretary, so I can't count on his professionalism. She also "joked" that she would have "a quick one" with her neighbor.
She had a history of involvement with patients as well. And she had a lot of patients, because she does psychological evaluations. I saw an e-mail where one patient was sorry that she couldn't make it to their date.
I am not going to tell you about one of the possibilities, because it is downright scary.
I expect you wouldn't, but the thought came to me that with your desire to becomes a father, she just might be doing some of these 'so-called encouraging' things to keep you on the hook and then blow you out of the water! A true N would have no problem being that cruel.
But she is keeping your attention all the way along.
I hope with whatever excitement you might feel at the prospect of being as daddy, you can do it with the detachment that you just might not be.
You don't know for a fact there is another prospect, as you have only her word and what does that count for?---getting your attention.
Thank you for reminding me about that! Thank you! These days I have been a little less defensive and that is very dangerous with N's. I do agree with you, she might just be encouraging me, just in case I am needed. And she has been extremely cruel before, not only with me. She is sadistic.
Although in the last contacts I have been present and less combative, I have anyway improved my detachment. For example, I haven't touched her, not even her belly. That would be unthinkable some time ago.
Tomorrow will be a great test, meeting the family for the ultrasound.
I needed to hear words like that. I need to remember how cold she was and is.
Thank you, Grandma Izzy!!!
