Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Resistance is ...futile(?)
mighty mouse:
Hi Les,
Whew, the fur is really flying over on that "somebody" thread today. The other posters there really gave it to her better than I did. I think she is actually the N. My Nmom and sister always like to say I'm angry as if that's a bad thing. I guess they think that gets to me. But their words have no power anymore because my light has finally turned on. And she (somebody) was blaming everyone else....even her kids - "they were jealous", "they have N tendancies", "they lie"...................dang!!!!
Well enough about the coddler. You asked about acceptance. I think you answered that in your last paragraph about admitting the truth about the horrendous things your Mom did to you. It is exhausting to do this work of excavating and learning to see your truth...not the truth that is perpetrated on you by the N's unreality.
Someone mentioned the book by Dr. Phil McGraw - "Self Matters". I haven't actually read the book but he did go over the book on his show and it really got me to do some excavating of my own. Admitting the whole truth about things and pinpointing pivotal moments in your life and pivotal people helped me a lot.
And I finally let go of the "we're close", "we have a happy family", "we're better than other people" syndrome that my NMom perpetuates. She is still doing it, but now I'm not buying it. Even in that last email she sent me she painted a rosy picture. Everybody is great......she is a reasonable Mom (meaning I'm not reasonable because I don't do what she wants). She also said "I'm not the enemy". Well, I never said that to her but she is using guilt there. But in fact she is the enemy. So enough said there.
I don't think there's a magic formula or anything. The truth and the by product of acceptance just finally sunk in. I don't know if that helps, but it seems like you are on the path of learning. And it doesn't matter whether you fix things with your Mom before she dies. You won't be able to fix things IMO or really make them much better. You'll still have the same issues when she's dead. So better to just keep slogging onward "until" as Dr. Phil says. He's an old Texas boy.
Oh, I think I've lost my train of thought here and might be babbling. So I guess I'd better go now. Good thoughts for you dear Canadian lady.
MM
les:
Damn - I have written 2 replies and each time I somehow delete them!
So, in short, - I learned something watching the Somebody saga unfold. Saw my own repressed anger. Saw the sickness it spawns - in the name of understanding and forgiveness. I'm beginning to hate those words.
I'm not sure what to do next with my Nmother. At 91 she's coming clean..a bit. The pay off for me is that I get to hear a tiny sliver of truth for the first time from her. But I am also father confessor, psychologist and an abused daughter all in one. Actually somehow I have had to be this all my life. In a way nothing has changed - she still can't see that her "truth" is anything else except "fascinating" and a spring cleaning for her.. Getting ready maybe for the next big step (oh please, oh please).
The thick conjestion is loosening but I think I'm going to break a lot of blood vessels as it gets coughed up.
I wonder if keeping the lid on is ever a better option?
I'm not sure at the moment what I am trying to say. But will post anyway.
Les
mighty mouse:
Les,
Howdy from Texas.
That "somebody" person was so disgusting in protecting evil. I think evil perpetrated on a child is the worst. I was very glad to see people on the board standing up for the kids. I swear I was going to quit the board if I saw anybody giving her the kind of support we usually give on this board. The people here are so insightful, I was gladdened to see them call her on all of her rants and specious arguments. Man, she was a hard case. And I'm glad my faith in this board has been preserved. When she first posted that night, I saw her post and waited until the morning to see what kind of response she would get. I admit I was a bit afraid that she would get sympathy. I mulled it over in my head and was disturbed. I knew I wanted to rip her head off in a manner of speaking. Monstrous.
I'm glad that thread opened up something for you. Did it validate your feelings at all? I'm wondering if someday you are going to "blow" and what that will be like. Are your daughters both on their own now? I know it's probably too hard to let loose when you have offspring in the home.
I too sometimes write stuff and it goes poof. Very frustrating especially if you're in the middle of a long post. Then your resolves goes bye bye to try and recreate the thing. Good thoughts to you dear lady.
MM
les:
Yes I just blew! I really needed to get out some of the gory details and I found a "covertincest" board tonight. My god there is a board for everything. It's just too much in many ways to post here. So I told more of that story over there although I have let some of it out here. Now what to do about the old bag. I can feel a show down coming. It might be controlled or I might blow my stack and she'll finally have the heart attack she fears.
I feared that I might sound too reasonable with Somebody and attract the rage of everyone as well. Glad you'll still "talk" to me MM. You vented the rage that I couldn't. I thought it might be possible to reason it through with her, bring her round. The whole thing shone new light on my bottled feelings.
Well good night dear mighty mouse. I am really done in from all my posting but I'm feeling so much clearer. We will meet again I know. Maybe the subject of ANGER[/b]!!!!!! would be good to explore a little more.
Les
Portia guest:
Hiya Les, MM, reading posts from the bottom up so don't know if this is said elsewhere but anyway, Les said:
--- Quote ---I might blow my stack and she'll finally have the heart attack she fears.
--- End quote ---
Well, a little while back Bunny said something great:
“People don't die even if someone is enraged with them”
I think this is true! :!: P
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