Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Resistance is ...futile(?)

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les:
Oh well, there goes that idea! Back to plan A - hold my ground, be strong and not take any more crap. I just realized how much energy it takes to "hold" the distortion she lives in- like being in a time warp on Star Trek or something. Code red! systems failing...can't hold the co-ordinates much longer captain!! This huge protective bubble of lies and fanasy that surrounds her - it's exhausting. Thanks for the comment Portia.

Les

mighty mouse:
Hi Les,

Would it be busting your boundries if I went over to the other board and looked at your post? I don't want to go over there if it's not okay with you. I know which board you're talking about. I won't take it personally, I promise (if you say nay).

Did you really "blow"? I use that statement because my H is so nice and calm and centered that my older sister once said" Yeah, he's gonna blow one of these days". She was just kidding of course. He's 6'5" and we call him the gentle giant. Quite a contrast him and I - like Mutt and Jeff. Oops, dating myself there.

Of course I'm going to still talk to you. You are being you and it's great to have different perspectives on things. I do tend to be more like a guy with my damn the torpedoes responses. That's the INTJ in me coming out. People don't expect this from a female and I don't always get such a favorble response. I've tried to temper my language a bit in recent years so as to be more palitable to people with a more sensitive nature. But that somebody was working my last nerve with all that prattle of hers.

I loved your Star Trek analogies, btw. Code red indeed!!!!!!!!

MM

les:
Wouldn't mind at all MM - I am under a different name over there but I think you will spot the post without much trouble and as I wrote it I realized that I'd actually told quite a bit of my story here.  Just feeling a little guarded about saying any more than that  to the world at large.  It's interesting -it's a quiet board. It takes quite an effort to discuss this kind of thing.

For me - expressing myself is almost like blowing because what comes out is not very pretty - I have blown at my mother before - actually for about 2 years straight. I had daily fantasies about killing her.  At least I'm getting beyond that but there are days I think I may just rip her head off and be done with it all.
 
So what's the news down in Texas? Your husband sounds like a home grown Texan at 6'5'' and you just a wee little thing!

Any new developments on the home design/decorating front?

I told my husband that I was so glad to have the summer off to be able to devote time to all this -a summer of repair  - interior renovation - lots of stuff getting chucked and burned!

Thanks for your interest in me MM! - I really trust and appreciate you.

Les

mighty mouse:
Okay Les,

So you do some interior work and I'll do some interior decorating. You've inspired me. I don't have time (or money) to get an interior design license but with the help of a client of mine, I've been thinking I should put a small portfolio together of her house (I helped her redo a few rooms) and my house. It's not much but a start. I'm still in the thinking stage as you can tell.

I went to the other board and had a small peek. You are correct in saying that you have told most of your story here already. And I'm glad you don't have the daily fantasies of offing your Mom anymore (better for you, right?) BTW I found that board the first time you or another poster mentioned that phrase or maybe it was a book? Anyway, I can see why you had those thoughts. That other venue is quite staid compared to this free for all over here.

I forgot you are on a break from school. Our schools start again the 2nd week in August. This is very different from where I grew up. We didn't have to go back until September. Is that when you go back?

Thanks for appreciating and trusting me. It is mutual. And oh, my H is a homegrown Chicago boy. We are two peas in a pod. Imagine mighty mouse from PA and gentle giant from Chicago meeting? lol.

MM

les:
Alright miss mouse! Just one step at a time, it's all you need do. And if there is a critic sitting on your shoulder nattering at you just tell them to get lost and let you play with your idea.  I think we shoot ourselves down before we even get to the runway sometimes - I don't know if that metaphor worked but...it worked for me!  So glad you are taking a few steps, starting with what you have. Good place to begin, right there, with your client's house and yours.

I may have mentioned that a friend of mine began that way too she happily putters away at it when time and energy permit.

I have a couple of business ideas too. Maybe I'll dust them off and take them out for a little show and tell. Speaking of show and tell school doesn't begin again up here until Sept. 7 and we may be on strike shortly thereafter so a little business on the side wouldn't hurt.  I think i overwhelm myself with the to do list and' the what if' possibilities and
 I coudn't possibly scenarios.

Hooray! for taking a chance, taking a step!

 "my story."  It fits into 5 or 6 paragraphs. What doesn't fit and what I would have told Somebody if I'd been able to is that no matter what the perp. did, the effect on her child started from that day and will be long lasting. It's not a one time event  as she characterized it- the trust was broken, security - broken,  peace of mind - shattered... fear in first place. And her child had to worry for years  about the next child in line.  I don't think Somebody got that - everything changed after the event, whatever it was, for the dark, miserable, repressed worse.  I only just REALLY got it and I've lived with it all these years not really truly knowing what the hell was going on with me.

 Reading some of the posts on "covert incest" taught me that the on -going sexually charged, boundary crashing atmosphere can do so much damage. A woman who had been raped and also "covertly' abused by her parents was relieved to finally understand this additional terrible emotional burden. Anyway it looks like Somebody is gone and I certainly don't want to stir the swamp and see her bubble up to the surface again. If perchance you read this Somebody just learn and be quiet.

Shopping tomorrow with NM.  I am getting a little big in the britches here and who knows what will come out. I'm so tired of it all but not sure confrontation is the way to go at this point.  Red alert as they on Star Trek - got mixed up with my Code Red and Red Alert.

So keep me posted!

Les

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