Homeless

[Certain Hope]

Yay!!

Got my Beaner hugs   

Thanks!!

And dear Axa, I hope that havin us (me? okay, me) act up on your thread has made it feel homier... and if not, I am sorry. Will buh have now.

Love,
Carolyn

[teartracks]

Hi bean,

 I wasn't real sure what you meant.  I think it was about the love of symetry?   I love it that you remember that about me.  I posted that to the board several years ago as I recall.  You have a good memory!  Hugs!


tt

[axa]

TT.

Thank you for sharing about your drawing, it did resonate.  There have been times when I have felt "at home" usually when my children were little and I was cooking but like everything else that passed. 

As far as having off topic conversations on here.........to be honest I enjoy it, it does feel more 3d, you know, when people go off on tangents and it adds a sense of ease and intimacy to the conversation.......please feel free girls

Axa

[axa]

axa,

one thing I've noticed that as I started trusting people, they couldn't hurt me anymore. 

This seems counterintuitive to someone who's been abused.  Homeless is synonymous with "not having anyone."  People who don't have anyone simply aren't ready to trust, because good people do exist.  That does not mean everyone is trustworthy.  They aren't.  But some people are, and it's human nature to seek out and find those people when we're ready.  People that we can reach out to.  I truly do understand not being ready to trust.  I think it is an necessary step in the journey.  I spent many many years there, more than I'd like to admit (shameful feelings there).

I used to believe that I couldn't have friends unless they were wholeheartedly able to "understand" and "support" me.  I thought this meant treating me gingerly, and kindly, and being able to listen and react with the right words when I explained my horribly dysfunctional and (yes) mentally ill parents.  Well, I held out a long time for that.  Those people never came along.

But the process of getting some trust back, and allowing others in made me feel less "homeless."  Cause it is truly a domino effect.  If you trust a little, and let someone in, and that person doesn't crush you (or they do a little, but I survived) I gained a bit more trust.  And in time I gained a bit more.  And in a lot of time, a bit more.  And I still do not trust easily, but I trust some, and that is a good thing for me.

Traipsing around this board can feel a lot like a minefield for me at times.  Those times, I avoid it or work my way through.  I'm pretty sure I've lost both my legs here. But hey, I'm back and I'm still trusting somebody.  And then I'm trusting somebody new.  And then I've learned to trust myself.

axa, this is hard work.  You're brave to speak so rawly about it.

love,
bean

Bean,

Your post on trust and homelessness has been one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received.  I know what you say is true and I am learning it little by little.  I have trusted the wrong people, shied away from those who were trustworthy because I could not differentiate between those with a good heart and the Ns.  I have been working from a child place where I wanted the all perfect parent to be my friend, and of course they do not exist.  I am stepping out into the world of trust knowing that trust does not mean that I abandon myself.  This is where I have kept making mistakes.  To me to trust meant not so much about the other but about me thrusting myself into a place where I gave up on me and expected the other to provide all the answers.  Having been raised in an Nfamily I have gravitated towards N to deliver the perfect solution.  Talk about going to the desert to find the ocean! 

You know what Bean, I am ok and I am getting easier all the time.  My post about realising my anger towards XN was a projection of myself seems to have shifted a space to allow another piece of adulthood to exist.  Thank you so much for taking the time to post on this thread, I appreciate it greatly.

xxx
axa

[Ami]

axa,

one thing I've noticed that as I started trusting people, they couldn't hurt me anymore. 

This seems counterintuitive to someone who's been abused.  Homeless is synonymous with "not having anyone."  People who don't have anyone simply aren't ready to trust, because good people do exist.  That does not mean everyone is trustworthy.  They aren't.  But some people are, and it's human nature to seek out and find those people when we're ready.  People that we can reach out to.  I truly do understand not being ready to trust.  I think it is an necessary step in the journey.  I spent many many years there, more than I'd like to admit (shameful feelings there).

I used to believe that I couldn't have friends unless they were wholeheartedly able to "understand" and "support" me.  I thought this meant treating me gingerly, and kindly, and being able to listen and react with the right words when I explained my horribly dysfunctional and (yes) mentally ill parents.  Well, I held out a long time for that.  Those people never came along.

But the process of getting some trust back, and allowing others in made me feel less "homeless."  Cause it is truly a domino effect.  If you trust a little, and let someone in, and that person doesn't crush you (or they do a little, but I survived) I gained a bit more trust.  And in time I gained a bit more.  And in a lot of time, a bit more.  And I still do not trust easily, but I trust some, and that is a good thing for me.

Traipsing around this board can feel a lot like a minefield for me at times.  Those times, I avoid it or work my way through.  I'm pretty sure I've lost both my legs here. But hey, I'm back and I'm still trusting somebody.  And then I'm trusting somebody new.  And then I've learned to trust myself.

axa, this is hard work.  You're brave to speak so rawly about it.

love,
bean

Dear Bean,
 . That is so BRILLIANT---My cyberspace hat goes off to you!       Ami

[teartracks]

Hi bean,

memory not so good..

It's you that's unforgetable (well, to me anyway  )

((((((((((tt))))))))))

thanks for acknowledging that post, that makes me feel good

bean
   

That's awfully sweet of you bean.  I've become something of a relic on the board.  Been around a long, long time.  When I look back over these years, I wonder sometimes if I ever really contributed anything of value.  I was just reading my posts from the previous year wanting to evaluate them for meaningfulness.  Honestly, I wasn't impressed.  I've purposed to do better this year or not do at all. 

I remember your journey these last couple of years.  I have been witness to your going from mushy to strong and vibrant.  I love that. 

It's easy to see that your post #54 to axa comes from an uncluttered, clear, strong voice.

Love,

tt