ACN's: When did you realize your Nparent was...well, CRAZY?

[Anastasia]

When I was about 12--seeing that both parents were so abusive, and their view of humanity so skewed (as in:  "you can't trust people" and "people are no good"), did you start questioning your parents' judgments and/or sanity?  I did in 6th grade, and I am wondering if I am alone here in thinking that my Nparent (along with her bi-polar and totally crazy husband) was somewhat crazy or, at the very least, didn't think straight at all.
That's not saying that it took more years for me to quit wanting Nparent's love (fat chance) or approval (fat chance).  Just that I realized "something" seriously was wrong with Nparent's judgments.
Anyone else here realize that early on?  And how old were YOU when you started noticing that Nparent wasn't like other parents?

[gratitude28]

Anastasia,
I always assumed there was something wrong with ME. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I saw that the problem was in them - not in me. I was not what they made me out to be, and the world was not the nasty place they described.
I am 38... so it took me LOTS longer than you to figure it out.
But I am happy to be where I am and to continue becoming the kind of person I truly want to be.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Like Beth, I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I was the strange one.  I didn't really realize my family was abnormal until I was in college.  Until then, I didn't really get the opportunity to interact with other parents.  And really, it wasn't until I had to start seeing a counselor for depression that I realized that my parents' expectations were unrealistic.  I'll never forget the day I sat in the counselor's office and he said, "Do you realize how rare it is for someone to get better grades in college than in high school?  Don't you think these expectations you  have of yourself are a little odd?"

It was the first time anyone had ever suggested that my family wasn't doing anything good for me.

[Overcomer]

Yea!!  An oldtimer posting!!  (Meaning someone who has been around a long time!!)

I never ever thought of my mom as crazy......................my whole like I felt like the one who had the problems.....

But then I realized that in a way, she is crazy.  She will say one thing and then later on change what she said and deny ever saying it.

It is like situational ethics is appropriate for HER but no one else.  I mean, she would expect integrity from everyone but she has no integrity.

Case in point.  She got a face lift.  So rather than tell our employees she would be out for a few weeks because of surgery (wouldn't even have to identify the surgery..........) she told them she would be on vacation.  She made my dad stay home so no one would see him around town.  Then she called into work and talked to an employee.  When the employee asked her where she was she said."along about Branson way....."  And out and out lie.

Then when she came back in and it was obvious to everyone that she had had a face lift and some of them came to me and told me they were angry about her lying..............her response was......"who do they think they are?  I don't owe them an explanation............."  Well, we own a Christian bookstore and all the products we sell pretty much say...............thou shalt not lie.....

So is that crazy?  No.  Maybe not.  But it definitely argues the fact that she thinks the rules do not apply to her....

[tayana]

Kelly . . . that sounds like something my mom would do.  She's done stuff very similar to that.  I don't think she's crazy, but definitely the rules don't apply.

[Overcomer]

It happens over and over again and that is what makes ME crazy.  This women floats around life in a plastic bubble.........oblivious to anyone around her....it is ALL about her!!!

But is she crazy???  I think disordered is a good word for my mom.  The way she operates is just so unlike anyone I have ever met..................I honestly think she is not afraid of dying in a car accident because SHE OWNS THE ROAD!!  No one would dare get in her way or crash into her...

Is it crazy to gaslight?  Is it crazy to triangulate?  Is it crazy to manipulate?  Is it crazy to be delusional???  Is it crazy to do the same things over and over again and expect different results???  If those=craziness.............then she is crazy.  And I realized it six years ago....wasted 42 years thinking I was the one.

[Iphi]

Anastasia,
I always assumed there was something wrong with ME. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I saw that the problem was in them - not in me. I was not what they made me out to be, and the world was not the nasty place they described.
I am 38... so it took me LOTS longer than you to figure it out.
But I am happy to be where I am and to continue becoming the kind of person I truly want to be.
Love, Beth

Ditto Beth - I am 37 and you said it all. 

For so many years I have felt this wrongness about me that I have been trying to fix and fix and fix and excuse and excuse and apologize for and apologize for.  Turns out it is only that I have been a complete sucker and defended my dad's wrongness all the way down the line.  I bought his way of seeing things completely. 

I have practiced huge exceptionalism on his behalf.  The rules don't apply to him because he is a genius, because he is brilliant, so talented, a man, a scientist, because his wife went crazy and failed him, because he is a hard luck story, because he is a single father, because he has a serious illness.  That's why he ignored me, that's why it doesn't count if he disparages or mistreats me, that's why he expects instant obediance and compliance, that's why he expects to dominate every conversation, that's why he has no interest in me as an individual except that it is irritating and mediocre to him, that's why -- all of that. 

It is a huge revolution to connect the disordered concepts with the owner instead of considering that my wrongness and inadequacy is Reality and separate both the concepts and the owner from myself. Who am I???   Even when I drew the line with him a few years ago - I still basically accepted his views that I was mistreatable (and it isn't a wrong thing) and inadequate, but that I couldn't live with it - I apologetically drew a line.  Anger came much later and I am still coming to grips with the scope of everything.

I still have trouble actually thinking of my dad as crazy as in wrong and out of touch with reality.  I more think of him in his little bubble refusing to see, to learn, to grow, to change.   He is so willful.

[SilverLining]

When I was about 12--seeing that both parents were so abusive, and their view of humanity so skewed (as in:  "you can't trust people" and "people are no good"), did you start questioning your parents' judgments and/or sanity?  I did in 6th grade, and I am wondering if I am alone here in thinking that my Nparent (along with her bi-polar and totally crazy husband) was somewhat crazy or, at the very least, didn't think straight at all.
That's not saying that it took more years for me to quit wanting Nparent's love (fat chance) or approval (fat chance).  Just that I realized "something" seriously was wrong with Nparent's judgments.
Anyone else here realize that early on?  And how old were YOU when you started noticing that Nparent wasn't like other parents?

Self analysis of early memories is a tricky business. But it now seems to me I realized there was something wrong with my FOO at a very early age, such as 3rd grade.  Somewhere along the line I believe I unconsciously adopted a "parentified role" to deal with their behavior.   I have memory of many incidents that now seem to me N-ish and even crazy.  In recent exploration I have been thinking a lot about what I do not remember, such as compliments, apologies, truly supportive behavior.  It seems the N-ish incidents sort of stand out against a vacuum of real close relationship. 

In adult life I got some shocks when I watched other parents interactions with their children and realized I never experienced such positive relationship.  I didn't know such relationship was even possible, since my FOO was isolated in various ways.   I just assumed everybody had to deal with the same kind of stuff as me, and if I thought otherwise I was just an ingrate.  I had absorbed the conditioning that it was my fault.   

[Hopalong]

I didn't fully get it until I was 20, and my mother told me a young friend had drowned.
I was stunned, beginning to grieve.

And Mom said in a perky voice, "Well, it's probably for the best! She had a drug problem, you know."

(She also had two tiny children. And a husband. And was a sweet person working hard to get well.)

That's when I realized there really was something wrong with NMom.

Hops

[Overcomer]

Oh.............that hurt////

[Anastasia]

Boy...talk about some lemonade coming from a lemon.  I am actually starting to realize that maybe..just maybe...I was one of the LUCKY ones in that I had such cold, narcissistic parenting that I couldn't get close to them much.  Allowed me to be more objective about their behavior.  My gosh...I never thought I would find that as lucky, but I am starting to.

[Anastasia]

I am so blown away by all this...sorry for repeating myself over and over. 
However did we survive? 

[Iphi]

Anastasia I am always amazed when I read of people who had that degree of detachment to see something wrong in the FOO as you did and to see themselves apart from it/the FOO.  It seems to me it must indicate a quality of clear-sightedness and a sense of a separate identity that must support resilience.  Not that these qualities are a cure all, but that they could help you chart a course away from the FOO.

[legalmom1025]

Hi,been lurking for awhile apologize for not introducing my self earlier.. in response to realizing when my Nparent was abnormal/lo-ca--
i would say about 30 yrs.when i realized that she acted jealous of me, and treated me as if i was competition for her(post divorce i was dating).. she flew into a rage on night, because i was dating a man closer to her age (he was 45-she 47).  she flew into a rage and threatened and threw me out of the house..-told me to give live with my new boyfriend or she would call the cops on me..apparently she was miffed that he was interested in me, not her..
as karma would have it, i married him(been 8 yrs now).we have 3 teens together, and she lives alone with her misery.
its always been a control issue with her..she still wont call or email me or the kids since november-when i called her on some lies she told about me..

[Leah]

Anastasia I am always amazed when I read of people who had that degree of detachment to see something wrong in the FOO as you did and to see themselves apart from it/the FOO.  It seems to me it must indicate a quality of clear-sightedness and a sense of a separate identity that must support resilience.  Not that these qualities are a cure all, but that they could help you chart a course away from the FOO.

I was told that I had had childhood resilience -- which formed a survivor personality.  I was independent from the age of 5 years.

Leah x