HELP, I have left him again and I am dying!

[Elaine1966]

HELP, I left him again and its killing me. I don't know if I want this pain. I sit here crying.  I go from guilty to sad, to every other emotion.  He is making me feel so bad.  Now, he is saying that I abandoned him and how he just can't trust anyone because they will just leave him.  He is pulling at my heart strings...I can't stand it!  I don't know if I want this, but on the other hand I think I must do this.  He is also saying that he guesses he can't live up to my standards, (financially), that he is not good enough for me, OUCH!  Not true at all, I have loved him with my whole heart.  If I am supposed to do this, WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD? I feel like I am letting his boys down too!  They love me very much as I do them.  I feel horrible right now.  Maybe he was trying to make our relationship work in the only manner he knows how??????

Elaine

[gratitude28]

Elaine,
Can you write out (here if you wish) why you have decided to leave? I think seeing your words and the reasons will help you clarify. He will try anything to keep you from leaving, as he will not have control over you then. Please remember that.
We are here for you.
Love, Beth

[Sela]

Hello Elaine,

So sorry for your pain.  It hurts no matter what.  The reason?

Because I bet you have a caring, loving, feeling heart.

Nother reason:  I bet you aren't into playing these kinds of games.

One thing I noticed:  Not sure how to put this gently (not my best skill):

This is extremely manipulative:

he is saying that I abandoned him and how he just can't trust anyone because they will just leave him.

He is an angel and has done, not a thing, wrong eh?  Youuuuuuuu are the bad guy?  He trusts according to youuuuuuuuuuuuuur behaviour?  Isn't trust something one earns?  Boy!  Are you ever powerful eh?  You can make or break his "abilities" so easily?

What hogwash!!

Rather than admit he may have contributed to your needing space from him, he is trying to manipulate you into thinking youuuuuuuuuu are huuuuuuuuuuurting poooooooooooor him, you meanie!!

What crap!!

and this:

He is also saying that he guesses he can't live up to my standards, (financially), that he is not good enough for me

It's alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll youuuuuuuuu Elaine!  You have such hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh standards!!  (what are his standards, by the way? Is he financially where he has always dreamed of being, or it just youuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr dream he's devoted his entirrrrrrrrrrrrrre being to?). 

Do you see where I'm going with this?  The big manipulation game happening?

He'ssssssssssssss not gooooooooood enough for youuuuuuuuuuu?

Sorry to say, Elaine.  Without knowing you or him or much at all about the situation, my humble opinion:

He's right!

He isn't good enough for you.

Not at all.

You don't deserve to take allllllllllll of the responsility, or all of the blame, or all of the power..........in any relationship.

And heeeeeeeee

is doing his darndest........

to try to make you "think"........it all belongs to you.

Major major giant manipulating garbage happening, I'm afraid.

So sorry for the kids and for your hurt.

Better now than in 20 years.

(((((((((((((large big hug))))))))))))))

Sela

[dandylife]

Elaine,
You have an extraordinary ability to empathize, that's why he chose you. You are vulnerable because you put his needs above yours. What you need to do is assign some time to yourself in order to put your needs, desires, wants, TOP priority. THEN, if you decide he can be part of your life, begin to make the moves toward that.

IF he waits, respects you and doesn't try to push you, then you know that he is going to be okay for you. If he begins the cycle of pulling you back in, using whatever means necessary (guilt, rage, attacks, "I can't live without you", etc. etc.) then you know that he has growing up to do and learning how to be a healthy person before he's ready for a relationship with you.

Time will tell. I know you're hurting, but time and space is necessary between you in order to keep your head clear from his nonsense behavior.

Dandylife

[Leah]

Dear Elaine,

I am so sorry,

I shared with you of my exNH and please know, HE did exactly the same to me, for he knew my heart was kind and had empathy etc., so HE Manipulated me back.

Then, everything was 100% times worse than before.   HE thought he had me in chains for life.

I have to go out right now, I will post again later.

Love, Leah

[Hopalong]

I don't know if I want this, but on the other hand I think I must do this

Elaine...keep breathing. Keep drinking water. Make yourself eat healthful, simple food.
Take a walk. Look at trees.
Post some more.
Take another walk.
Drink more water.

I believe in your line above there's a big key...
your WANT is emotional--the painful storm that's blowing through you now.
your THINKING is your wise mind--it has identified, and truly/realistically, that you must. You were right.

So be brave about the storm of emotions. Let them blow but don't let them take over your wise mind, that could think, and reason, and realize.

He is not going to be a good partner.
Love is not enough.

Hops

[Elaine1966]

Thanks so much Beth, Sela and dandylife.  You don't know how much your posts are helping me.  Beth, the reason I have left him was because I feel he is not meeting my emotional needs.  I have put so much into this relationship to not get anything back in return.  He is emotionally abusive to me.  I have tried and tried to talk to him about my feelings and I am told that I have issues and need to see a therapist.  He also says, "I am not the goo goo gaa gaa type, and if that is what you want, go back to your ex-husband."  He has also said that he is not a communicator and that I just need to live with that.  If I don't do what he thinks I should do then there is something wrong with me.  He is addicted to a computer game that has taken away time for us because he wanted to be on that game!  When I try to talk with him, he either just sits there like a "wall" or he goes into a rage.  He doesn't understand ANYTHING I try to explain to him.  I can never count on him to be there for me.  I could go on and on but don't have time.

Beth, your right that does help!

And Sela and dandylife, yes, I have always been told I have a big heart.  I can't stand to hurt ANYONE, it just kills me.  I am the type that likes to take everyone in and take care of them, take their hurt or pain away, etc...  I would have given him the moon, but I felt so taken advantage of. I felt all I was to him was a provider, mother to his boys, keeper of the house all while he played on that game.  He now had to go out and get a full-time job because we dont live together anymore (we used to for a year).  He of course denies all of that saying that is not what he wanted me for that he loves me more than anything.  But everytime I have needed him, he has never come through for me unless it was at his convenience.

Thanks for your responses, I need all the help I can get right now.   And your all right, I need to stay away from him to get my head clear or I will cave in AGAIN!  

((((((Hugs to you all))))))))

Elaine
Elaine

[Elaine1966]

Hops, Leah, Amber:  I just sit here and cry as I read all your posts.  I have been so blessed to have found all of you on this board.  You really are helping me tremendously.  EVERYONE on this board who have been helping me for the past weeks are a GOD SEND!  I can't get through the day without re-reading all your posts.

Words alone can't express my appreciation to you all!  I am heading to work so I can stay very busy, look at the trees, drink some water, talk with friends etc.

I will be checking posts throughout the day to keep me strong.

Love to you all,
Elaine

[Sela]

Good for you Elaine!

Keep talking, if it helps.  Many people here will understand and support you.

This is the place.

Especially when you feel the urge to "cave".

I bet you can do this and I bet you know you need to do it.

He is emotionally abusive to me.

Ofcourse he is.

and do you want that in your life?

I very much doubt it.

Take care of you, Elaine. 

You're not "hurting" him.  He's just trying to maniuplate/control your head.......make you think you are, is my guess.  It sounds like he's good at it too.  Don't play that game.

I have to get off my pc now.  Sending you warm thoughts and hugs to help you through today.

Sela

[hardtotrust]

I have tried and tried to talk to him about my feelings and I am told that I have issues and need to see a therapist.

I have heard that one a lot too!!! And I am the one that sees a therapist, always trying to improve myself.

I can never count on him to be there for me.

That's reason enough to leave.

I can't stand to hurt ANYONE, it just kills me.  I am the type that likes to take everyone in and take care of them, take their hurt or pain away, etc...  I would have given him the moon, but I felt so taken advantage of.

That caring side has been my weak point and people like that are incredibly able to use it against us.

Have you read about being "narcissised" (Narcissistic Loves - How to cope, recover and move on)?

Hugs.

[Hopalong]

If you DID give him the moon, Elaine...
he would soon remark that it's just a hunk of cheese.

Devaluing.

xo
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Elaine,

Everyone has given you the absolute best possible counsel here... all true!

Please just remember that every single statement this man makes about you is really all about him.
Out of 100 things he says about you, there may be one that's true... and all the rest are lies.
Lies, Elaine.

Keeping your list of reasons why you want to end this relationship before you is a great motivator.

Reminding yourself of all that is positive about you, yourself, is also a huge help in keeping yourself on track as he works to deflate and devalue you. Again, remember that he is taking your virtues and turning them around into horrible flaws.
He knows that your big heart is full of love for him and that you'd do without all manner of "stuff" just to be happy with him, so what does he do? He twists that around and says it's all because he doesn't make enough money.
Lies, piled atop one another, into a heap of filth.

(((((((Elaine))))))) stand on the truth.

Love,
Carolyn

[axa]

Elaine,

I too am so sorry you are in such pain now, it reminds me of how I felt when I left XN BUT Elaine, there really is life after the N.  Keep posting, it does not matter if it is the same stuff just keep getting it out of you and onto here.  It does help.  I am happy to listen and hear what you are saying along with many others here.  He cannot hear you because he does not want to hear you.  Well done for making the break, it does and will get better.  He knew what he was doing when he choose you and has kept you in the trap because of your softness............. He will never hear you.  You have given him many opportunities and nothing has changed, just the same stuff over and over again.  I found it extremely helpful to make a list of all the reasons I could not stay with XN, it was very very long......... would it help you to do something similiar.

xxxx and hugs

axa

[Leah]

Dear (((((((( Elaine ))))))))))

Think of your trip to lovely Costa Rica   

Where you will be relaxing and finding your inner self.

Love, Leah

[Elaine1966]

Yes, you are all right.  It has been a tough day for me, but I keep reading all your posts as a reminder of what I need to do.  Over lunch, my assistants took me out.  My associate took my phone away from me as he was calling over and over and over.  He kept leaving messages that I must be having an affair with one of my client's because "people just don't leave people for no reason."  He then said "don't have your secretary screening your calls, you need to call me as you owe me that." Then says, "you don't want to go down that road."  What that meant, I don't know.  

Because I am a wreck, three of the girls that work for me are coming over to my house and staying with me as they don't want me alone and they are worried he may try to come over to my house. I am just very down and don't like being alone.  I start to miss him, I don't know why?? This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as I still love this man. I have never felt this way and I am so confused with myself as to how I can love a man who treats me the way he does.  I have never put up with that type of behavior in the past....it just blows me away.

I am sorry I haven't read any other individuals threads in order to give advice for them and their issues, today is just a bad day and I feel very useless to everyone.

Hugs to you all,
Elaine