Author Topic: Arggh! Is my N upbringing making me too sensitive about this?  (Read 1023 times)

sunblue

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Arggh! Is my N upbringing making me too sensitive about this?
« on: February 22, 2008, 01:10:12 PM »
I know this post may sound a little insignificant and I recognize that I may just be feeling overly sensitive given the amount of rejection and negative experiences I've endured from my family, but I was hoping someone might offer me an opinion on this.

Here's the situation.  My "healthy" brother has a daughter who I, of course, adore and have spent a great deal of time with.  Because her mom works part-time, I've been called on regularly, even weekly, to help out with her, which I have enjoyed doing and can do because I've been unemployed.  I not only pick her up at school, I've taken her to dance class, sports activities, tutoring sessions.  But I also initiate activities with her at other times.  I've taken her to movies, amusement parks, shopping, restaurants, zoos, even braved the crowds to let her see her favorite High School Musical stars in person.  I sit with her and help her with her homework, take her to the park...You name it. 

Well, this year I've noticed that since my niece is now in middle school (11 years old) and doesn't need me to baby-sit as much, I'm only called on when she needs to be picked up or taken somewhere, not to do anything else.  So now, when my brother and his wife have a night out or need to go away for the weekend, they make sure she only goes to friends houses where there are other kids.  Now, I'm not selfish.  I understand that kids want to spend time with other kids.  But I do think that once in awhile it would be nice if they would think of me when an overnight visit is needed because they have other plans....

So for example, today my brother calls me and tells me he and his wife are going away for the weekend as a belated Valentine's Day present.  He is dropping off his dog for me to watch over the weekend....BUT he is dropping off my niece to stay with a girlfrriend of his wife who has two smaller children.  To be honest, I couldn't help but feel bad about that.  I can't help but feel I'm relegated to just be the dog-sitter, chauffeur or last-minute baby-sitter.  It also irks me because out of three aunts in the family, I am the only one who has ever initiated activities with my niece these last years.  The others see her at the key holidays but never pick up the phone to ask her to a movie or something, or help her with her homework, etc.  I feel that now that my niece is older, my services are no longer needed....I guess I just feel used....and hurt.

The other thing is that ironically, even though I have been the one in the family to take an interest in my niece and do all sorts of things with her, she has treated me the worst of all her aunts or relatives.  My brother says it's because she regards me as a "playmate" and not an aunt, but I don't t hink that's a good excuse.  She talks back at me, sometimes hits me and ignores what I say.  Once when I took her to the pool, despite my directions, she swiped my prescription sunglasses off my face and ended up breaking them.  I had to spend the money to buy a new pair----all because she wouldn't listen....But everyone else regards her as their special "angel" and such...and they refuse to acknowledge how she treats me....It seems this type of rejection is the story of my life....

Anyway, I could use another perspective on this.....I'm just really feeling bad about all of this....not to mention my job search situation which has been stressful for a number of reasons....

Gaining Strength

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Re: Arggh! Is my N upbringing making me too sensitive about this?
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2008, 01:25:56 PM »
That is definitely hurtful behavior.  I find it hurtful that your brother does not have the wherewithall to expect his daughter to be polite to you and care enough about  her upbringing to correct her.  (speaking from my own experience) Perhaps your niece has developed her attitude directly from her parents.  My nephews did and when my brothers' attitudes towards me changed so did their sons.

sunblue

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Re: Arggh! Is my N upbringing making me too sensitive about this?
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2008, 02:17:21 PM »
Thank you gratitude and lollie...I really needed to hear your comments.

To answer a couple of questions.....First, I am not the type to sit on a throne and expect my niece to come to me.  I constantly call there or ask my brother if I could take her here or there or spend time with her....This past summer, I arranged as a surprise to take my brother, sis in law and niece on a weekend to a nearby resort area.  He refused...but a month later, he went there with his family and never offered to invite me.

I understand about boundaries with kids...and I really tried with my niece.  But she literally would never listen to me....and whenever I brought it up with my brother...he would be like "Oh, you're just oil and water."  He would never stand up for me and got tired of hearing the things that she was doing.  I wasn't a strict aunt...I merely expected her to listen to me when I was taking her somewhere for her safety.....But it irked me that I was the only one she wouldn't listen to....She was respectful of her grandparents and her other aunts, but not me...and none of them made much effort with her, as I did.

I also understand that kids want to spend time with kids, not adults.  But I think once in a while, it wouldn't hurt to have a sleepover at Auntie's house.  Whenever I was with my niece, I always planned fun activities....I was the aunt that always bought the best toys and gifts because I took the time to understand what my niece enjoyed and to research what was out there.

I think this also hurts so much because my brother too never initiates spending time with me.  This past summer when I told him what I really needed from him was to spend a little time with me (I'm clinically depressed and was having a bad time), he basically said he just didn't have the time for me.  That really hurt.

I just don't know what to do from here....It really hurts what they're doing...I just feel used...

Hopalong

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Re: Arggh! Is my N upbringing making me too sensitive about this?
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2008, 03:01:05 PM »
Hi Sun...

Maybe you have been used, a little.
My advice would be to let the hurt feelings be real and then let it go.

Meanwhile, I wouldln't pester for her time.
But I'd be steady with sending her a funny card once a month, and issue an invitation for a special outing twice a year. No more.

Because...when she's a full-tilt adolescent, she's going to need a steady aunt in her corner.
But I'd prepare to be ignored for a long while. They do that. They just do. And clearly your brother isn't motivated to create happiness for you...

You know where that leaves you.
Neither mother nor father nor brother nor neice are going to make you happy.

But you are, because you're taking one step at a time to get out of there and get your own life moving forward again.

Where do things stand with the job hunt?

hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."