So far I've spoken on this forum as a newbie with some wisdom. I have moments of feeling the sage in myself., the warrior, the eccentric aunt even.
There are many times though, that I am a child lost in the woods, wondering how to get home. I have often, in the last few years of being with my exN, and being free of him, that I've wanted to "get back" to where I was pre-N, and didn't know how, didn't know what direction to go, didn't know how to speed things up. I was moving so slowly through my recovery, that I had many many moments of hopelessness, doubt, despair. I had one of those this morning in the shower. I think I'm having one of those right now even.
I have faith I will live without my exN (the love of my life). I have faith I'll find joy again. I know I can continue to be impactful in my career, and as a mother and friend and daughter. I dont have continuous faith that I will love again, not because there won't be anyone interested in me (I'm blessed to have men's interest), but because I don't think I'll ever be interested in making my now-delicate heart vulnerable to another man ever again in this lifetime. (I bet there are a number of N survivors who know what I mean by that.)
So at these times, during those too long, too dark, too painful nights when the despair comes flooding in, I feel caught before a brick wall, unable to move forward, and unwilling to go back.
A friend sent me this just now. It's not the first time I've seen it. I watched it when it aired on TV. But its serendipity perhaps that it falls in my Inbox at just this moment when I could use the reminder (and maybe you could too) that walls are good things, they make us realize how badly we want things.
I want my normal self back, my normal life, my trusting heart, my willingness to be intimate and vulnerable in love again. I want my faith in all of humanity back, not just everyone-except-men-because-maybe-most-men-are-narcissists-and-will-hurt-me-again.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8577255250907450469