The Wall

[DailyMail]

So far I've spoken on this forum as a newbie with some wisdom.  I have moments of feeling the sage in myself., the warrior, the eccentric aunt even.

There are many times though, that I am a child lost in the woods, wondering how to get home.  I have often, in the last few years of being with my exN, and being free of him, that I've wanted to "get back" to where I was pre-N, and didn't know how, didn't know what direction to go, didn't know how to speed things up.  I was moving so slowly through my recovery, that I had many many moments of hopelessness, doubt, despair.  I had one of those this morning in the shower.  I think I'm having one of those right now even.

I have faith I will live without my exN (the love of my life).  I have faith I'll find joy again.  I know I can continue to be impactful in my career, and as a mother and friend and daughter.  I dont have continuous faith that I will love again, not because there won't be anyone interested in me (I'm blessed to have men's interest), but because I don't think I'll ever be interested in making my now-delicate heart vulnerable to another man ever again in this lifetime.  (I bet there are a number of N survivors who know what I mean by that.)

So at these times, during those too long, too dark, too painful nights when the despair comes flooding in, I feel caught before a brick wall, unable to move forward, and unwilling to go back.




A friend sent me this just now.  It's not the first time I've seen it.  I watched it when it aired on TV.  But its serendipity perhaps that it falls in my Inbox at just this moment when I could use the reminder (and maybe you could too) that walls are good things, they make us realize how badly we want things.

I want my normal self back, my normal life, my trusting heart, my willingness to be intimate and vulnerable in love again. I want my faith in all of humanity back, not just everyone-except-men-because-maybe-most-men-are-narcissists-and-will-hurt-me-again.






http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8577255250907450469

[Lupita]

Hi DM I have been alone for seventeen years. At the beginning I felt I was going to die. But I did not die. I did not want to wake up. But I did. Now it feels normal, or as normal as it will ever get. Time heals not matter what.
Hope you can heal. healing takes time. To never be completed, just a little better. The pain never goes away, just a little more tolerable.
God bless you. Or the universe, or the superior authority.
Love to you.

[DailyMail]

I have entertained that idea, especially in terms of romantic relationships.  I don't like the idea I'll not be able to be intimate or vulnerable or trusting again.  I don't like the idea that there may be a wall where before there were wide open spaces.  And at the same time I can't, as much as I try, imagine a man trustworthy enough to love me and not use me again.

(ho...teary again)

I can't imagine it because I can't summon up the idea I might have trust in me to let him try.

but it's what I want for myself, to be able to trust again.

[teartracks]

Hi DailyMail,

b]So at these times, during those too long, too dark, too painful nights when the despair comes flooding in, I feel caught before a brick wall, unable to move forward, and unwilling to go back.[/b]
 
I refer to this period as my stuck in a knothole period.  It wasn't a question of which way to go.  I couldn't go backwards or forwards.  I was stuck,  each end of me flapping in the breezes like a sheet hung out to dry.  I didn't have a shred of hope that my  life would ever be any other way, for I'd never been like 'that' before.  Then one day it was as if someone shot WD-40 on me and I came out the other side, maimed, and dazed.  Still.   At this stage, I had no  sense of there being a 'me'. By then I had found this board.  I actually posted an appeal for help in making a me.  Didn't know where to begin.  That was oh, about six or seven years ago.  I am me now, but it 'bout killed me digging her out of the ash of my freshly crashed life.
 
DailyMail,  I lost or gave up the love of my life too.  Your pain will subside gradually.  And when the time comes and you want a new love, I hope it happens.
 
tt

[DailyMail]

shot out of the hole, yeah that's been my experience when I've been stuck too, as long as I didn't force movement to happen, I got shot out in weird but wonderful directions

uh oh, thats how I met my exN I'm recalling now

Teartracks,

I want to tell you, that was a moving, kind post to offer me, thank you.

[Certain Hope]

shot out of the hole, yeah that's been my experience when I've been stuck too, as long as I didn't force movement to happen, I got shot out in weird but wonderful directions

uh oh, thats how I met my exN I'm recalling now

Me, too, Daily... me, too!  Batten down the hatches!!

Carolyn

P.S.  ((((((((((((((tt))))))))))))))

[DailyMail]

"batten down the hatches"   

I'm enjoying your humour  Carolyn

[DailyMail]

My son and I went to the Royal Ontario Museum on Saturday, our first time since they opened the new Crystal edition (contemporary architecture that looks like a large crystal extending out over the street).  Inside, the dinosaur exhibit that we've seen a dozen times, in new display within the Crystal, has become breathtaking.

Just now, beginning a new book, I came across this, it seemed appropriate considering how a few of us are feeling stuck but have faith we won't be forever:

Most crawling reptilians, the most earthbound of all creatures, have remained unchanged for millions of years.  Some, however, grew feathers and wings and turned into birds, thus defying the force of gravity that held them for so long.  They didn't become better at crawling or walking, but transcended crawling and walking entirely. - A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, Eckhart Tolle

[DailyMail]

it's because I haven't made the space for it to exist; something else is taking up that space in me.

It ABSOLUTELY makes sense.  So my hope for "back to normal" is really hope for "room in my heart to risk being in love again".

cuz right now -- any hint of intimacy and I have a phobic reaction (I'm terrified of being hurt that badly and deeply ever again)


waving wand magic welcome here

[DailyMail]

It's really really hard for me to explain to him why I'm so afraid when he hasn't done anything wrong.

Yeah, I imagine it would be sad and poignant for you in trying to share that reality with him, and frustrating for him, who loves you, feeling like he's being held at arm's length?

TRhese are the ways in which I do believe love can heal...love, patience, tenderness, support...faith.