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Hi...I'm another newbie here

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Barbie:
Hi all.  I posted earlier on another thread but thought I would do as Patsy did and start a thread kinda introducing myself and giving you a little background as to why I've registered here.

I am 54 years old and I have two children, 29 year old daughter and 30 year old son.  How time flies.  I never thought I would be saying my kid is 30.  I also have three granddaughters, ages 12, 7 and soon to be 6 mos.

I am currently taking paxil and have been for the last four years.  I am also a diabetic and have been, again, for the last four years.  I am divorced but my ex lives with me.  We haven't resumed our relationship but are companions.  We were married for 14 years, apart for 10 years and back together the past 6 years.  We both love our children and grandchildren very much and our homelife is pretty good.

I am currently on SS disability due to my mental health.  I was diagnosed as agarophic, PTSD and anxiety.  Prior to taking paxil, I was in a living hell due to the anxiety and irritability, however, since getting on the meds, I have been able to enjoy a relatively good life.

At first, I was scared to take the paxil because I had never been on an anti depressant but after much thought and prayer, I put it in God's hands and on the day I was to start the meds, I sat there looking at that little pill for a few minutes.  Before I knew it, I was standing with a glass of water and down went the pill.  It took about a month for it to take effect but since that time, I have been feeling the way I should.  Happy to greet a new day and enjoying my grandchildren.  Since my daughter lives just down the road from me, my granddaughters, the two oldest, are here with me and their grandfather constantly and how I love them and enjoy their company.

I don't know when my anxiety attacks started but I do remember one particular incident, I don't know how old I was, but it felt like I couldn't breathe.  The next one I remember was when I was 21 and a really weird feeling just washed over me.  It didn't last very long but I still remember that moment.

After that, I had feelings of dread and anxiety periodically and even attempted to self medicate by drinking.  That didn't work so I quit.  Over the years, I have taken valium but four years ago, the doc wouldn't prescribe any more and instead suggested I go to Mental Health.  That was the best advice ever because that was when I started the paxil.

I don't know what precipitated my anxiety but I'm beginning to see that it was probably my mother.  Narcissism is a popular term these days, I've noticed, and I honestly believe this is what my mother is.

My mother is 76 years old.  She lives alone as my father died in 1999.  I've been reading about narcissism on internet and it's as if whoever wrote the article knew my mother personally.

I am still reading and studying everything I can to understand her better and myself also.  At this point, I am not speaking with her because everytime I associate with her, I end of feeling horrible.  She is manipulative and hurtful to everybody and while I feel terrible that I am not speaking to her, I also feel my mental health comes first.

Well, hope I didn't overdo introducing myself, lol, but I do look forward to reading your posts.  I found this site by accident and read the first post and thought " hey, that sounds like me."  So here I am and I hope to meet each of you and hope that we can help each other.

Thank you.

Anonymous:
Welcome Barbie!

Karen

les:
Greetings Barbie - from another 54 year old just discovering how deeply my "Nmother" as they are sometimes referred to here, affected me.  

I have felt confused for years and years, still do actually, but the clarity I've gained in the last month from the folks here has been extraordinary.  It sure helps to understand what you are up against.  

You didn't overdo your introduction at all. I think there is much good will and tolerance here so type away.  It's good to get it out. For me my story is coming out in bits and pieces as I work through it.

So glad you are able to carve out space away from your mother.  This is such a good start.  I wish I'd done it years ago when my mother was younger. (She's 91) But now I'm working on strong boundaries and lots and lots of head space and  physical space when I am with her.

My mother is a "widow" too. It's one of the many many devices she has to guilt trip me.  Boy it would be great to release that guilt - it really is so destructive.  You said it  -your mental health DOES come first!!

Les

Anonymous:
Dear Karen and Les, thank you so much for the welcome.  I really appreciate that.

I've always thought that I was the only person with a mother like mine but more and more, I am reading about people who have mothers very similar to my mother.

My mother raised me with guilt.  Everything was, don't do that or this will happen to you.  My sister and I were discussing this one day, she is 52, and I was telling her about this and she said, "I know what you mean, for instance if I was looking at this ketchup bottle, she would say, "don't look at that bottle too long or you will start seeing red and it won't clear up."  What a thing to tell your child.

I was never beaten or spanked by my mom.  Instead, she abused me verbally and emotionally.  If she perceived that I had done something wrong, she would rant and rave and go on and on and on until my father made her stop.

She also plays her daughters against each other.  She will talk about one sister and say all sorts of horrid things and in the next minute, she's at that particular sisters house acting all nice.  I finally told her, right before I stopped talking to her, that I did not want to hear one bad word about my sisters.  She had no response to my comment.

She also acts like her home is a museum and when her great grandchildren and grandchildren visit, they must sit perfectly still in front of the television.

There is lot more that she has done all my days and even up to today but I guess I'll stop here.  

Later

Michelle:
Welcome to the board Barbie -

I'm glad you found what has become a refuge to most of us here and hope that it will be that for you too.  

I look forward to hearing your voice on the board.

Hugs,
Michelle

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