Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Hi...I'm another newbie here

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Anonymous:
Oh thank you, Michelle, for your welcome.  Yes, I can see this board is a refuge and I am so glad I have found it.

My family will be very glad too, LOL, because as supportive as they are of me, my constant analyzing of my mother is probably boring them.

I have only one daughter and she has been my emotional support.  She has been so great that I often tell her, "what did I ever do to deserve a wonderful daughter like yourself."  She lives down the road from me and so her children, my granddaughters are here 24-7.  They are free to make a mess in my house, no rantings and ravings, but they also understand that they also have to clean their mess up.  It's worked out very well.

I guess my goal is to do things differently from my mother and I strive to be unlike her.  My mother isn't a complete beast, comes pretty close though LOL, because there are times when she actually has good advice.  But she is the type of person if she is complimented, she takes it as her cue to move in and take over on your entire life.  It's very hard to compliment her to her face because she really does see it as an invitation to begin her manipulations.

Anyway, I am so very glad I found this site.  I can sit here and vent and know that somebody is experiencing or has experienced something similar and can maybe give me some advice on how to handle something.

There is one last thing I would like to mention.  I am Native American and was very surprised to learn there are Non-Indian women who act just like my mother.

Again, thank you for the welcome, Michelle.

Barbie:
I keep logging in as guest, so I'm trying to fix it.  This is a test.

Barbie:
I don't know what I did but it worked.  LOL

Barb

les:
Hi Barbie

I wanted to talk a little more about these mothers!  With the hard work of the board here telling me to "accept" what is; pointing out that these N mothers don't change; the importance of setting up good sturdy boundaries to protect yourself, I feel like I'm coming round a bit! Hope you are too!

Your description of your M's non-feeling ways really sent a chill. This seems to be part of N. As a child  I remember my mother telling me proudly that she had butted out her cigarettes in my father's arm because she was mad at him.  Unfortunately I am full of these stories of sadistic behaviour.  

I, like you, tried to be as different from my mother as possible when I raised my children. I might have over done it a bit!

I was intrigued by your comment about being Native American and thinking the white women wouldn't be narcissistic like this! ( it's been awhile since I read your post - sorry if I got that  wrong) Actually my greatgrandmother  was Native American ( something I'm proud of - I look quite a bit like her) Her white husband died and she had 3 little kids to raise. She instructed them to call her "sis" always, for the rest of her life, so she would be more marketable - understandable in those times.(she was my mother's grandmother but my mother was told to call her aunty) Since then it looks like people haven't known their "roles" in my family -some confusion got passed down - not blaming her at all,  just seeing how these patterns repeat and get magnified sometimes. My mother is extremely proud of pictures where she looks like a sibling not a mother - and at times she has looked younger then her own tortured daughters!

Who is the sickest? -That's a game we play too.  At 91 my m has earned the right to have problems for sure but she always holds the trump card. My sister had breast cancer - my mother dragged out her own cancer surgery from 15 years before and went into this intense competition with her own daughter. Sick alright!!! They just can't bear to share the spotlight, must be centre stage.

Hope you are doing ok Barbie. Does your mother ever visit you and your children or are you taking a big break from it all?

Les

Barbie:
Hi Les.  So good to hear from you.  I was prepared to take a very long break from my mother, the last one was for one year and I loved it.  But anyway, my sister called me last night and said she got a large check from her insurance and said she wanted to give me some money if I would go to the casino with her.  She was also going to give our other sister some money to come along with us but couldn't find her.

Anyway, to make a long story short, she said since we didn't have a ride, we would be going with dear old mother who has a vehicle.

I felt kind of sick but the urge to play penny keno won out and we went with her.  She acted like nothing ever happened and just visited.  She still had all her weird little ways but I pretty much ignored it and made the best of it.  I didn't win, by the way.  LOL   Oh well, next time.

Something you said is so true and I thought my mother was the only one in the world who acted like this.  She has to be the sickest one of all.  I don't know if I told you but she is an hypochondriac.  If somebody else is sick, she acts like she's jealous and will tell you all about her similar illness.

Something really funny happened one time.  My sister and I were once again discussing her hypochondia and my sister said "I suppose if you say it was your *** **** that hurt, she would say hers hurt too."  We laughed and laughed so one day, she and my sister came to visit and I told them about a certain pain and my mother started her stories about her similar and worse pains.  I remembered what my sister had said so I said "and you know what, my ass really hurts too." and my mom had this serious face and responded "yeah, mine too but I had the doctor check it out and he's going to be doing more tests on me next week."  LOLOLOL

Things like that are funny but my childhood was anything but funny.  If it wasn't for my Dad, I would have probably been berated to death.

I often wonder what kind of a childhood she had and why she feels so guilty all the time.  I also wonder why she has the need to copy.  And when she copies, hers has to be the best.

Before I go, I just want to say I am glad you are part Native American.  I am Sioux and very proud of it.  I speak my language fluently and am just about as Indian as you could get.  Anyway, I am so happy to meet you.

I feel like I haven't really told all about my mother but believe me, there is more and it bugs me.  Although I've started talking to her since last night, I plan to continue to keep my distance from her.  Believe me, it's the very best thing that I can do for myself.

Toksha Ah-keh (until later)

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