Amber & Leah: "The Third Phase"

[ann3]

Amber & Leah,

Amber wrote something on GS's post called "Making Progress" and it resonated with Leah and it really resonates with me.  Amber wrote:

What you're doing right now; what this topic is about... is more about having a "normal" life, than it is about working through issues and effects of the abuse that you survived. It might feel like it's more difficult for you than it is for other people; it might feel like a much greater accomplishment for you than it does for others; it will definitely bring new experiences (that other people who weren't abused take for granted)...but that will adjust and feel more comfortable as you start to practice this kind of "self-care" that you're describing, as a matter of routine

The way I see it, the first part of this kind of work is to find out how we became voiceless; how we accepted a limited life in darkness and agony. The second part of the work, is seeing that part one wasn't truly "us" - we didn't deserve that and we are so much MORE than that. And then comes the phase of walking step by step into the light, fresh air of reclaiming our life. I'm thinking you're in this third phase! And there's only what works for you - no "right or "wrong" about how you go about this. It will be "your way"... all the way!

Amber, your description of this "third phase" and  having a "normal" life really struck a chord with me.  Would you please talk about this "third phase" a bit more?  I think I'm entering the third phase, but am still visiting the first and second phases.

I think I feel like I am stuck in the 1st and 2nd phases, but I'm getting a taste of the 3rd phase, the "normal" life, where I'm not solely dwelling in regret and bitterness of the past.  I can see the 3rd phase looming out there, on the horizon, "walking step by step into the light, fresh air of reclaiming our life" as you said.

Amber, thank you for identitfying this 3rd phase.

annie

[ann3]

Amber,

Thank you sooo much.  You bet it helps.

This is what resonates with me and what I’m trying to achieve:

instead of dealing with "issues" or emotional blockages, instead of being almost totally focussed on negative things I've experienced or fell that I am - I'm now at the point of freedom to live like a person who never experienced abuse. To get on with my life, instead of needing to "fix" my self.

I'm feeling this now, yearning to get on w/ my life.  I've already surveyed the damage and I'm weary of trying to fix.  I want to move on and I think I'm ready to do so.

the more I focus on the positive in my life - or seeking it out - the less I "need" those old defense mechanisms

Yes.  The other day, I was thinking negative thoughts and I noticed I got a bad pain in my head.  So, I told myself that the negative thoughts are causing me neuro damage, so I'll try to lay off the negative and look at the positive. 

the sense that whatever comes at me in life henceforth, won't overwhelm me; won't paralyze me emotionally again. I feel I'm in control of my self - emotions included. It's a work in progress, though I imagine I'll experience disappointments or unfulfilled needs again, too. Maybe even the old pain. But I know how to deal with it now.

I'm also getting this feeling:  that I won't let disappointment paralyze me.  But, this is a tough one.

that memory that was lost for so long to me and the amazing realization that came through recovering it, that I'd grown up with emotional abuse - that whole thing is settling down into being simply one chapter of my life - not the end all/be all of "me". The emotions are still there; still raw... I can call them up if I have a need to doublecheck what I think I know about something. But they're not present much in my current awareness of myself; my current life. That lost episode is no longer an obstacle to living a full, rich, happy life. It USED to be, for sure. I can set goals and do what's needed to attain them. That always eluded me before.that memory that was lost for so long to me and the amazing realization that came through recovering it, that I'd grown up with emotional abuse - that whole thing is settling down into being simply one chapter of my life - not the end all/be all of "me". The emotions are still there; still raw... I can call them up if I have a need to doublecheck what I think I know about something. But they're not present much in my current awareness of myself; my current life. That lost episode is no longer an obstacle to living a full, rich, happy life. It USED to be, for sure. I can set goals and do what's needed to attain them. That always eluded me before.

Yes, it's one chapter of our lives, but it's not all we are.  We are more than the abuse we suffered.

I think I really was an adrenalin addict, which was horrible for my blood pressure and grew into an acceptance of unusually high anxiety levels... and a searching for or creating "problems" to keep myself constantly on the same level of alert.

Me too!!  My family was almost always in a state of anxiety and I now see how destructive that was for me.  The other day, I was awfulizing the future and then I became conscious of it, so I stopped.

Those first & second phases - I don't think they go completely away. They're like those feelings - it's all a part of me. I just won't be spending as much time "there" anymore. I don't think I want them to go away, either; they're are as much a part of me, as my freckles... it's who I am. Accepting me, nurturing me, helps get me turned toward how to make lemonade out of lemons; putting those strengths to use in a positive way.

Yes, I won't be spending as much time there either, but on the other hand, they are like my freckles. I just won't be focusing on my freckles as much.

Thank you so much Amber.  You describe this beautifully.

annie

[Gaining Strength]

You have nailed it Anne3.  If you are getting glimpses of the "3rd" phase then you are in it.  Now focus on those moments.  As you focus they get LARGER and the 1st and 2nd get smaller.  Eash time you find youself in 1st or 2nd try to remember what the 3rd felt like and keep that feeling.  It will move you into the third or close to it.

[CB123]

Hi all,

I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated this thread, and the ones that are along the same lines.  I am not posting right now, but I still am reading and these have been very, very encouraging lines of thought.  I have been struggling to live in this Third Phase for awhile now, and in some ways it has seemed more lonely than any phase before.  That's odd, isnt it? but true. 

Is it possible to feel a bit overwhelmed by the prospects of a normal life?  I think so--I frequently am overwhelmed.  Trying to untangle the normalcy from the vestiges of dysfunction that still entangle me--both my own dysfunction (more glaring than it ever was when I was focussed on someone else's!), and the dysfunction of others.  I have had to shift an entire paradigm that said that there were dysfunctional people and functional people.  I don't really know how to live in this new realization that we are both.

I just wanted you to know that I appreciate the discussion on this and on other topics having to do with how to "do" normal. 

Much love,
CB

[Certain Hope]

I'm finding this both level-ing and reassuring, as well. Thank you, Annie.

Love,
Carolyn