Caution, Christian content ahead....
This thread is so awesome and full of good stuff for me.
Being new to the concepts of NPD, I am still very green about all the "Ns and outs" of my issues (ha ha, I made a funny....) with my Nmom. I have, however, been "in recovery" for a long time, if you count my faith journey as legitimate recovery.
I would like to share a little of it:
I remember some years ago when I read in the bible where it says to love others as yourself and I had the shocking awareness that I actually HATED myself! I remember thinking at the time that truly loving others must be contingent upon loving oneself. The realization was pretty overwhelming, I knew I had to learn how to love myself....
I remember maybe 3 or 4 years ago, sitting by myself and finally realizing and ADMITTING to myself that my own mother did not care about me, did not value me, did not cherish me, did not love me at all, and NEVER would, and how that realization led to such despairing rage and grief (it is so impossible to adequately portray FEELINGS sometimes, no?) and mourning; then subsequently (these things took a long, long time and I am still working on them) deeply grieving the loss of that mother I so desperately needed and wanted.
I distinctly remember the very moment the Jesus of the bible somehow spiritually made me aware that He did actually love me and cherish ME, that I had actual intrinsic value to Him just as I was, even if I was not doing something for someone. I finally saw what perhaps "normal" people have always known, the inherent right to take up space and breathe the air on the planet, without feeling guilty. I remember even in my very messed up condition, the actual rush of feeling that I WAS loved and unconditionally, more deeply than could be understood. I remember finally getting a taste of this "peace which passeth all understanding."
This was a very intensely personal and private experience for me and was not connected in any way with a church or organized religion situation, simply my exploring what the Bible has to say for me and talking privately with my God.... This was my very own experience.
Bringing you up to date with my current "tools": I just recently discovered NPD and found this board and the things I have begun applying in the past few weeks that have been helpful to me:
1. Practicing mindfulness and awareness of thoughts and behaviors; thinking things through before acting impulsively
2. Acceptance of my self and my stage in my journey, giving myself more patience, instead of feeling overwhelmed by what is facing me in this new awareness, stopping the dialog of self hate
3. Learning and learning about N. By studying and gaining more understanding of the grievous destruction Ns perpetrate on their victims, I am (hopefully) becoming much more gracious toward others and trying to let them voice whatever they have to say at whatever stage of recovery they are in, like I feel we all have a right to be wherever we are with our recovery at any given moment, even if I don't like or understand what someone is saying.
4. Learning to stop or at least override the Nmom's voice in my head that expects me to take care of her sick emotional needs for me to always fail, always be a loser, always be the bad kid.... This gives me such hope for a productive, healthy future.
Well, there is lots more but that will do for starters. I feel so overwhelmingly grateful for this board.... Love you guys, V
PS Here is one practical thing I do. Each day I open a Word document prior to coming and logging on to the board, that way I can cut and paste things as soon as I read something that resonates with my situation, or tips for dealing with certain issues, books to read, posts I like that are encouraging and healing, etc., etc. I am compiling quite a good resource notebook for myself....
