Author Topic: Wanted to share this with you (pl.)  (Read 4179 times)

Nic

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Wanted to share this with you (pl.)
« on: July 24, 2004, 09:22:51 PM »
Hi All!
i've decided to share this bit of my life with you.
Preamble:  It has been a rocky, strange, twisted past almost two years for me.  Feel free to go back to my original posts to get a better picture of what all has happened to me since i've come to this board.  Of course some of it will be missing since the disc of the old board has been lost. My mom is the "N" of the family and i've established that my dad is an "N enabler"..they haven't changed, I have.  For clarity's sake "C" is my partner.

I received a letter the other day, forwarded to my new address from a government agency that takes care of reunions for adopted children.  I am adopted.  I love the way it was written, it appears they have taken great trouble to write things in a caring way.  Not bad for a government agency.  It is written in french so i'll translate as best I can.

Dear Sir,
As I was unable to reach you by telephone, I am sending this letter hoping you will accept giving it your attention.  Please contact me at the following number 555-2322 ext 5555.  You may reach me at this number mondays, tuesdays and wednesdays between the hours of 0900 and 1630.

I have information, confidential in nature to transmit to you.  Please excuse me for not giving you more details at this time.

If I were not available upon your calling, please leave me the time and the telephone number where I might be able to reach you.

Anticipating your very timely answer, please accept, Monsieur, my sincere salutations.

Signature, name of agency and Antecedents/Reunions.

NOW.  When "C" told me via the phone I had received a letter from this agency I told him to open it.  Then I announced to him that on top of everything we've been through together in the past six months and on top of what I have been through in the past two years and since years living with Ns, this was going to be another BiG ONe!

This is a letter to tell me that my birth family is looking for me.  I'm open to it, heck I put my name on the list of those who didn't mind their birth families looking for them! Life is sooo strange!!! Why now? I must have put my name on that list five if not more years ago..they don't actively search for anything at that agency!  

Gut feeling..nothing happens unless it has to happen or it's time for it to happen, good or bad..a thought pattern way to see things that's part of my makeup.

"C" and i are at the beginning of our relationship, a new life.  I asked him "why are you with me at the most important fucked up time of my life?"  To which he answered flippantly.."i don't know!!" hahahaha!..more on that later...this has got to be the cherry on the sundae..I just can't believe all the action..I actually caught myself thinking..Oh Shit!..after that I can die!!!!  Scarey..and then I find myself encouraging myself with No it's time to live LIVE LIVE....and then I don't know anymore..

Maybe it's a sibbling looking for me?  I'll know Monday.  I'm excited for sure...
Then there's the N parents, the brother..it's a whole new ball game.. and then there's "C's" cookey comment: " Maybe they want a body part!  well were selling it 'cos we need a solarium and a barn.."..says the wrong thing at the wrong time that one...no verbal discipline at all..then he looks at me and asks me if I love 'im..." 'course I do!" and then I don't know where I stand..

Well, I wanted to share this with you all..it's the big time all over again!  Sure i'm excited, and you know what?  I do think i'm ready for this.  I let life slap me in the face more than I should have..time to let it give something back.

First post re: this new adventure.
Nic. 8)  :shock:  :?  :o
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Nic

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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2004, 10:44:46 PM »
OH boy!
Ok i've come down a little..there's this wonderful lady at work who bakes all these deserts and cakes and brownies and everything else with tons of chocolate and sugar...I'm coming down from a sugar rush now...down boy down....
It seems the more i'm looking at this new situation the more elated I get.  I knew a nice girl once..her Ps couldn't have children either and she was one of 3 adopted kids..she was adopted much like me into a "rich" family..to the best of my recollection they had a good life..nothing really to complain about although her adopted brother turned out to be schizophrenic.  
Anyway, she had entertained all her life the wish to know her biological family...supported by her adopted mom it took her about 10 years to find this lady...Now MH had lots of class and was very intelligent..rather plump but you know graceful plump..
I remember the countdown to her actually meeting her birth mom and family..my she was happy, like a dream come true.  All smiles, all of the time..and so they met..she was the 13th of thirteen...the result of a one night stand in a port city between her b mom and this sailor guy...and then they jumped all over her immediately..inviting her to family occasions and the like...she couldn't handle it, she just couldn't identify with the whole situation and although she was more than surrounded she felt very isolated and alone with this new crowd. Nature or nurture..i'm not sure how the rest of the relationship turned out 'cos we lost contact after University.
And then there's M..another nice girl who looked for her b mom..well her b-mom was semi retarded it turns out as the result of having been taken advantage of by the parish priest for God's sakes!  Her bmom was kinda all over her too..in her small mind it was really something to find a daughter like that..but M couldn't handle that either...
I'm at a loss to find a successful reunion other than the blurbs i've seen on tv...it could go either way with me too I guess.  Anything could happen...i've let go of the " they're really rich and famous and they'll take me away from all this" fantasy I used to entertain in my childhood miseries...
My adopted family loves me for sure..they weren't there very much while I was growing up and N mom was a pill popping alcoholic who hijacked my life for many years..and N enabler dad was oblivious....couldn't get much worse..* laughing nervously to self*
And then there's the elation, the wonder..hmmm and the hope that this just isn't an up that will fizzle away in a short time..why would it?  See how I'm coming face to face with myself?
since i've understood my voicelessness i've overcome many obstacles..like right now i'm sitting here thinking of my neediness and how it makes me sick to have been and to still be that way in my relationships.  I'm right now thinking of all the people that bug me and the comments that those close to me are allowed to make because of me and I want to tell them..hey don't need your kind no more!!!  And then I get scared of being alone again 'cos i've been too alone..where does it end this eternal questioning..why can't I be genuinely happy at something it's normal to happy for????
So many questions..maybe I should just cut down the questioning..I feel like it.  
But deep down you know..I just don't want to be hurt again..I can't take anymore of that soul piercing hurt.  Labile? no no not at all...
This is probably a necessary step in my life..but to where and what the heck for? " Arms inside the ride please..."
I'm somewhat ashamed of continually closing the door on happiness.  Or maybe it's the conditioning from the past where happiness and misery were so closely, disappointingly intertwined.  
shit I came out of that woman..my mother!  *seeing stars*  I think i'm gonna faint..
thanks for letting rant about this one..i'm just spewing it out as it comes..but I am rather light headed..what was in those brownies Deb????
Nic.
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Nic

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« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2004, 11:18:59 PM »
About three weeks ago when I saw my adopted parents again, I cried along with my dad in the lobby of their new flat...and then when I saw N mom..I did lay my head on her and cried there too...she didn't know why I was crying..i wasn't apologizing or feeling sorry..honestly I think I was crying for myself, in any case I couldn't control it.
Dr. Grossman's once comment to me " Boy Nic, were you ever trained not to feel!"..is resonating more and more these past few days.  How do you train yourself to feel? Intimacy versus Lust, like that?  I don't understand.  
Birth mom..what am i supposed to do when I see you..i've seen it done before on tv..the airport scene, the baloons and flowers and other sibblings..i've looked real close at the man or woman meeting his/her birthfamily for the first time, my face so close to the tv screen I fogged it up.  I was looking to see what they were feeling, desperately trying to feel what they were feeling.  I did feel my heart skip a beat at the very time "they" hugged and contact was made..it got to me, like watching a tear jerker movie.  But now it's happening to me and I don't know how to feel about it...I don't want to be dishonest or insincere..oh shit :cry:  :cry:

I actually have a mother..as opposed to always having wished I had one with the one I got..that's how it feels right now.  That's as close as I can get to identifying what's going on in my mind.

This birthmom isn't forcing me into anything, she's answered a call and an invitation from me.  My A mom did the exact opposite, she forced me into a relationship with her, emotional incest on top of the Nism.  Totally screwed me up sexually..hate her for that, got to fix it!

And then maybe she's dead, my b mom, and her last wish was to let me know?...
Nic.
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Anonymous

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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2004, 10:08:37 AM »
Nic,

I'm so happy for you.  :lol:  Of course it's natural to have mixed feelings:  fear, elation, terror, hope, sadness, everything, really. And there's a lot of suspense, too. I think you can feel; maybe sometimes you don't know what emotion you're experiencing, but heck, you feel intensely. I'm sure you were trained not to express it, as it inconvenienced your N adoptive parents.

I wish you the best and hope this turns out to be a great addition to your life.  :!:

bunny

Nic

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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2004, 05:29:48 PM »
bunny,
Thanks..no really I mean it..i've always wanted a sister..in fact I think every boy should have an older sister.  And maybe i now will find out I have a whole slew of them..good God! I AM NOT SHARING MY BATHROOM! UH UH!!! :lol:
Ok so I can feel and man you are so bang on about my not knowing exactly what emotion i'm feeling..what am I feeling?  I've caught myself feeling both real happy and real sad and asking myself what exactly are you experiencing right now? and .. is it inconveniencing anybody?..that's a fixer upper! :)
I've been rewinding my tape and trying to think if anybody in the past months has looked at me funny..ya know like they know me or something.  That's the most eerie thing when you're adopted ( although granted it can happen to anybody..) when somebody just looks at you like they know you but neither party has the time to stop and go into it..
I remember when I travelled alot for work being on planes coming back from all kinds of places and people looking at me like they knew me..once this man actually started to talk to me like he knew me..I knew who he was because i'd seen him at his business..but we never had "met " and /or talked..and there he was saying "did you have a nice holiday?..and you deserved it.." then he was gone.
Once I was in a restaurant sitting with friends..it was my birthday dinner.  We were having a so so time..I was people watching, scanning the dining room and my head stopped at this one far away table..I swear I was looking in the mirror..this guy looked exactly like me.  I kept it from the people I was dining with, returned to dinner and what was happening at my table.  I determined to walk over there and introduce myself, and when i'd worked up just about enough courage I turned around and the gentleman had left.
Well , there can be no other explanation other than..it just wasn't the right time, can there? :?
So I guess those were the prelude days and now i'm headed for the overture..what a concert! Pff ha! :D   And then maybe all those people will be there next week pfffff HA! HA! :wink:
She was twenty three when she had me..aww I can't wait to show her my favourite baby picture..I was two and my brother and I are sitting on this satin covered bench..we're both wearing shorts and oxfords, I look so happy and smiley and he looks so apprehensive..but it's the two of us.  He has a lovely page boy white shirt with a dark debardeur, i've got a white shirt on a bow tie and a striped ( downward) debardeur and you can see i'm knock kneed! hahahaha!  I have that picture on my baker's rack and I look at it everyday.  
That very picture I took to my first real therapist on my first visit.  " This is where we start" I told her..Why? Because this picture was taken when I had access and equal status to my brother...at three years of age my N mother took me over, I was hers and my brother belonged to my father.  We never had a good relationship after that...and today we're estranged because he has never sought professional help regarding our common upbringing..we just don't see things the same.  I think his plan is to let Nparents ultimately die, get his money and live happily everafter.  A part of him knows though that you can't forever ignore what you've swept under the carpet.  I'll be there though..I will.  There was a rumour several years ago that he had found his birth family..if this is true, then perhaps that fixed him well enough?  
So bunny, last night's desert turned out to be the brownie from hell..i hardly slept a wink..there must have been the entire can of cocoa in there..went to bed at 0030 woke up at 0300..watched some comedy on the tube..and went on to a busy day plus "work".
Yes i'm elated, happy ,all of it..perhaps everything that's happened is leading up to a great deal of happiness?
Anticipation...accept people as they are...family...i swear i'll vaporize anybody in that new family instantly if there's one sign of Nism!
If my calculations are correct, I should be the eldest child in that new family huh?..ah leverage!
 Boy i'd love to have a sister..and I wonder how the boys turned out?!  Let's see that would make them half-sibblings right?  What does that make my B mom's husband in relationship to me?
OMG! Hillbillies...cousins dating cousins ewwwww!  Hi all! no no..you're related to ME! hahaha! ..elation...clouds parting to let the sunshine in..I said the SUNSHINE not the MOONSHINE you morons! :lol:
'Kay..all is well..more tomorrow..or later today.
 8) disengaging the do not disturb button from my phone.." Next please.."
ciao!
Nic.
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Anonymous

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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2004, 06:19:05 PM »
Hi Nic -- What great news!

Quote
I'm at a loss to find a successful reunion other than the blurbs i've seen on tv...it could go either way with me too I guess.

You're right that it's impossible to know what you will discover, but I did want to tell you that I personally know of three very happy reunions of adopted children with their birth parents -- situations where everyone's life has been enriched by the reunion. It's true that in all the cases the financial circumstances of the families were about the same (the birth family was not significantly poorer or richer than the adoptive family), which probably helped.
Whatever happens, this is an important new chapter of your life, and I hope it is a fulfilling one.

Morgan

Nic

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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2004, 07:08:22 PM »
Hi Morgan, thanks for your encouragement..You know i'm being dramatic just for fun..it's more like the real me than the tragic type. ! :)

 It's true that in all the cases the financial circumstances of the families were about the same (the birth family was not significantly poorer or richer than the adoptive family), which probably helped.

You make a good point..don't you just hate comments related to money! Makes me look like a snot!! which of course I am..hahaha! :lol: Kidding..one good thing my N parents taught me was never to play the money card..people are more important!  Of course for the longest time I wasn't considered "people"...People in the physical world genuinely like me and i like them..i'm coming out of two terrible years of conflict, i'd lost myself for a long while..wasn't smiling much anymore.etc.  It certainly will be interesting to see where I get my humour from..of course if everybody in my bio family is laughing ear to ear when I get there I'll certainly feel out of place for a while...at peace with my own..strange to say.  Moses complex!  :roll:

I think I can be light on this subject to a point.  It's when the dust settles that you see if things will stick ( the Pledge people wouldn"t like that sentence..pfft ha!)..and then maybe not!  

Guaranteed it's a big step...the timing is completely weird..onward and upward as they say!
Thanks for your interest Morgan.. :D
kind regards,
Nic
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

phoenix

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« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2004, 03:36:49 AM »
bye

Anonymous

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Big Day!
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2004, 11:14:59 PM »
Dearest friends,
After meeting with a counsellor last thursday to prepare myself ( how does one truly prepare for meeting his mother for the first time in 41 years?) I met my birth mother today.
I wish I could tell you it was fabulous and wonderful and cheery and all tv like but I can't.  Instead, it was deep, powerful..as powerful as a good session with a loving/caring therapist can be..propelling, in that it has launched me into another part of my life, authentic, in that for the first time in my life i have experienced what unconditional "feels" like. Uncanny, in that the resemblance between my mother and I is striking.

My birth mother held me for two days when I was born.Nine days later she was to sign the adoption release.  Shortly thereafter began a long life of mental illness for which she was heavily medicated for a great many years.  It has been four years of almost no medication but the wear and tear of 37 bouts of electroconvulsive therapy have somewhat taken their toll.  She doesn't look ragged, in fact she's very pretty.  In her words: " They tried to get you out of my head, the doctors, my family, but I just couldn't and I didn't want to.."

For years, my mother, a pianist and teacher kept me inside her thoughts, unable to speak of me to anyone.  Until she met her present day caretaker who was convinced she needed love and that she was too heavily medicated.  Four years ago all of this changed.  As the medication was ceased and/or decreased, she began relating how she was "beginning to feel real emotions" she was in fact becoming reacquainted with her "voice".  She had lost it in the turmoil that was her pregnancy and its aftermath.

I cannot describe to you how it feels look at your mother for the first time.  I cannot tell you how sad I felt for her difficult life, yet, in 1999 I had left my name on a list and less than two weeks ago and with the kind help and caring of her caretaker, she began to lend real credance to the fact that my birth was the trigger to her mental disorder.  She had been fine before; she wanted me to know my father's name, he was a radio-discjockey and broadcaster when they were dating.  Used to call her up every night and ask her what she wanted to hear...they had known one another for a long time.   She did not see herself marrying him though.  He did go on to wed and somewhere out there I have four half-sibblings.
To pursue or not to pursue, that is the question.  "C" seems to think it is quite the kettle of fish, quite the can of worms to open, especially since he did not recognize her pregnancy...

She lives simply, she is deep and obviously intelligent..you can actually see that.  She was astonished that I was so tall, she told me I was "beau" and we both gestured in exactly the same way, to which everybody there reacted.  She looked at "C" and me and said: " What are you going to do with me now?"  We were shocked at her passivity, at the extent to which her life has been run by others and we both answered: " Madam, nothing..." and then we didn't know what to say or do.  

Her biggest fear was that I would find her "crazy", she kept rearranging her clothes.  I didn't hug her right away..i didn't feel compelled to jump into her arms and turn on the tear shower..it just didn't happen that way.  Instead, we were talking and i was sitting much too far from her so I rolled my chair toward her about 30 minutes into our meeting.  The closer I got, the closer the tears.  It was like I was looking at myself from outside myself..checking myself out, i kept saying to myself what CG said: " just be yourself Nic"

She was ambivalent about my birth dad..one minute she had loved him, the other she hadn't anything to do with him.That bit was hard to follow.  When she mentionned her family name I thought immediately of one of my colleagues, a junior with whose training I was involved, her name is not very popular and I thought shit..I think Richard is my cousin..huh what a small world...I'm scheduled to work with him later this week and plan on asking him a few probing questions.  Strange if it's the case, how I liked him immediately..to follow

She liked "C" immediately..I told her he was my family and she was immediately disposed to like him, that's neat!  Just like my A mom, you know N mom ( hahaha!) she liked "C" right off the bat!  Everybody loves "C" ,big heart, it was a meeting of big hearts today.  "C" ( ever the businessman!) figured out our budget for this new part of our life and is comfortable with the figure! * sheesh* I thought that was a pretty good follow-up to his " body part" comment of last week!  He inquired of her caretaker about her financial status and any needs existing or upcoming..what a planner!  Turns out she loves basquets of anything for the tub!

I stopped by the market early this morning and chose flowers.  I didn't have enough money on me but the flowers were perfect so I decided to tell the merchant lady: "I'm doing a rush job on the flowers because i'm meeting my mother for the first time today!" nothing like the truth right?  So she says: give me what you have and pay the difference next time you're in the area.  She then gave me a hug and said: " And come back and tell me how it all went!"..not bad from a complete stranger...

We exchanged tel numbers and addys, I will call soon.  It's all sinking in now.  My neck doesn't hurt this evening.  It's working, this mysterious life event, at a level I probably don't understand or know anything about.  Perhaps my dreams will reveal some of it.  My b mom's caretaker asked me to call because bmom has problems with telephoning out..she's always too afraid to disturb other people.  B mom did ask me to visit her..I felt some desperation in her voice which she was unsuccessful at masking..I understand.  She really wanted to make sure i wasn't mad at her for "abandoning me"..how could I be?

She's on the mend, I don't know where all this is going, but I know nothing happens for nothing.  I know nothing happens before it's time.  I told her it was a begining, a first and not a last.  She got into the car, " don't forget your seatbelt Claudette.." says the caretaker.  "C" and I left first, both looking into the rearview mirror.."C" thinking about his deceased mother ( died when he was 20) crying and me remembering last week when he told me: There's nothing like looking into your mother's eyes.  There really isn't.

I'm digesting it all now, in the midst of my divorce and the clean-up following my battle with the Ns..I am at peace, strangely.  I'm allowed that for sure.  I've had such a life thus far, I caught myself thinking last week, "now I can die.." and then I got really scared of dying for real.

I told "C", i can tell you I feel more like a person today.  And my good friend at work, perhaps this will put an end to the endless questionning of myself..of everything really.  i know for sure where I come from..as "C" said when we were walking up to the house.  " So you're not an alien after all..."  Guess not, I answered, then I hit 'im!

I guess i'll have plenty more to share as I take all this in..
Love to all,
Nic :)

Nic

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« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2004, 11:16:35 PM »
Again the session thing!
It's me above..sorry!
Grrrrrrr!
Nic :D
All truth passes through 3 stages
First it is ridiculed, second, it is violently opposed,third,it is accepted as being self evident
-Arthur Schopenhauer

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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2004, 11:20:37 PM »
:D  ((((((((((((Nic))))))))))))))  :D  :(  :D  :(  :D  :(  :D  I'm without speech. I'm so moved by it all. Hugs again.((((((((((((((Nic)))))))))))))))

CG