Detachment

[Lupita]

In response to Violet I am posting this for everyone, in case someone is interested. Love to you all.

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.



What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do.

Can become an obsessive ``fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.

Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.

Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.

Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.

Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.

Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.



How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:

It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.

The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control.''

If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.

You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.

You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or ``rescuer'' who cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.

You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,'' overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.

If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.

By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom'' to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and responsibility.

It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent, and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.



What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.

What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.

You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.

They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.

You need them as much as they need you.

You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day'' you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.

They have so many problems, they need you.

Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.

If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.

Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems, and troubles.

When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.

When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.

When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support, and direction.

You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or physical, when another is in dire need of help.

You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.

You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.

No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.

Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.



How to develop detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. 

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things. 

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. 

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing. 

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. 

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. 

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. 

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

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Steps in developing detachment
Step 1:    It is important to first identify those people, places, and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places, or things in your life fit any of the following twenty categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships

( 1)      You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.   

( 2)      The other is emotionally unavailable to you.   

( 3)      Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.

( 4)      Punitive or abusive to you. 

( 5)      Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.   

( 6)      Smothering you.   

( 7)      Other is overly dependent on you.   

(       You are overly dependent on the other.   

( 9)      Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.   

(10)     Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.   

(11)     Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.   

(12)     Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control. 

(13)     Other is self-destructive or suicidal.   

(14)     Other has an addictive disease.   

(15)     Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.   

(16)     When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.   

(17)     Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.   

(18)     Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.   

(19)     Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.   

(20)     Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.   

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.   

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.   

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.   

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.   

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.   

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy, wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community. 

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.   

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.   

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.   

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

``Letting Go''   

To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

  To ``let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

  To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

  To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

  To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

  To ``let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

  To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

  To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

  To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

  To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

  To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Step 12:  If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.

 

[Lupita]

Emotional detachment, in psychology, can mean two different things. In the first meaning, it refers to an inability to connect with others emotionally, as well as a means of dealing with anxiety by preventing certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as "emotional numbing" or dissociation. In the second sense, it is a type of mental assertiveness that allows people to maintain their boundaries and psychic integrity when faced with the emotional demands of another person or group of persons. These senses are within the framework of psychology and academia, not those of everyone else in the world.
First sense: inability to connect
Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxiety and stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes be seen as preoccupied or distracted. In other cases, the person may seem fully present but operate merely intellectually when emotional connection would be appropriate. This may present an extreme difficulty in giving or receiving empathy and can be related to the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. [Johnson, Stephen M. Humanizing the Narcissistic Style. NY: Norton and Co., 1987, p. 125. ISBN 0-393-70037-2]
Thus, such detachment is often not as outwardly obvious as other psychiatric symptoms; people with this problem often have emotional systems that are in overdrive. They have a hard time being a loving family member. They avoid activities, places, and people associated with any traumatic events they have experienced. The dissociation can also lead to lack of attention and, hence, to memory problems and in extreme cases, amnesia.
A fictional description of the experience of emotional detachment in the first sense was given by Virginia Woolf in "Mrs Dalloway." In that novel the multi-facted sufferings of a war veteran, Septimus Warren Smith, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (as this condition was later named) including dissociation, are elaborated in detail. One clinician has called some passages from the novel "classic" portrayals of the symptoms: Herman, Judith Lewis M.D.Trauma and Recovery Basic Books New York, NY. 1992 pp49 and 52.

[edit] Second sense: mental assertiveness
Emotional detachment in the second sense above is a positive and deliberate mental attitude which avoids engaging the emotions of others. It is often applied to relatives and associates of people who are in some way emotionally overly demanding. A simple example might be a person who trains themselves to ignore the "pleading" food requests of a dieting spouse. A more widespread example could be the indifference parents develop towards their children's begging.
This detachment does not mean avoiding the feeling of empathy; it is actually more of an awareness of empathetic feelings that allows the person space needed to rationally choose whether or not to engage or be overwhelmed by such feelings.

[Lupita]

Part 1: The Incredible Shrinking Relatives
Learning to set boundaries is part of the healing process after any form of abuse. This task can be complicated. It seems there will always be people who want to upset you. They could be family members who deny that abuse took place. They could be the offenders or their allies who are still a part of your life. Their comments, expressions, or attitudes can hurt you and make your life much more difficult.
You handle people like this by using an emotional tool called detachment. Like any other emotional process, it is a skill you can learn. It takes practice. But keep working, and you will diminish the effect these people have on your life.
EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT LESSONS
Make Them Smaller
Let Go
Stock Phrases
Set Boundaries
Handling the Rough Stuff
Take Care of Yourself First
Practice, Practice, Practice
Make Them Smaller
The first step to detachment is to "shrink" the unhealthy person. Make the person a smaller part of your life by making other parts of your life bigger. Start a new hobby, a job, learn something new, focus on other people, join a club, take a class, have more contact with friends - you get the idea. The only way to reduce someone's power over your life is to fill your time with other people, places, and things to squeeze them out.
This equation in emotional mathematics means adding things to your life automatically reduces the space taken up by unhealthy people and relationships. Expand your horizons. Occupy your mind with new ideas. The unhealthy person will occupy a smaller portion of your mind, and therefore your life.
Let Go
The unhealthy people in your life use guilt to keep you enslaved. When you begin to detach, you are upsetting the status quo, and they will use guilt to bludgeon you back into place.
Resisting this tactic is difficult but not impossible. Learn to recognize the guilt trip. Think about why they are doing this. You are trying to take care of yourself, and some people will go to great lengths to stop you. They want to maintain the status quo.
Accept that these unhealthy people will never grant their approval. This is a vital part of letting go. In fact, withholding approval is a most effective weapon to keep you enslaved. When you let go, and honestly don't care if they approve of you, they will have a hard time hiding their surprise. Watch as they mentally scramble to think of another tactic to keep you entangled. Realize that the other person's problem is not yours. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that no matter how hard you try, you can never, ever, ever change how another person acts. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them. You can fight the guilt they inspire. You can take care of yourself.
Stock Phrases
The unhealthy people in your life often try to catch you off guard, or will try to ensnare you in a hopeless problem. The response to both tactics is to memorize some stock phrases. Some examples: "Hm. Interesting." "Wow, that's too bad." Or my favorite: "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" The last one is very effective, since these people want you to fix their problems. This response turns the tables on them. You express interest without offering to fix the problem, and force them to offer solutions. Then you conclude with, "Well, that sounds like a good plan. Good luck with it!"
When I felt required to fix things for other people, I remember my therapist asking, "Has this person been declared incompetent? Has the state institutionalized them? No? Then they have the ability to act responsibly and fix this by themselves."
This good point inspires another type of stock response: flattery. "You're a smart person. I have confidence in your ability to solve this." How can they argue with that? Are they going to insist that they're not smart?
Go to the next page to learn how to set boundaries.
Part 2: Set Your Boundaries
It is critical to spend less time with the person you are detaching from. You can decline invitations. You can make excuses and stay away. You can claim illness. You can complain about your crowded work schedule, or how busy you are with the kids. Sure, you have been taught that it's wrong to lie. Well, in this case, it's good to lie. Taking care of yourself is more important than showing up every time. Besides, they lie to you all the time, don't they?
Another effective tactic using this point is to complain at length about how busy you are. The person you're detaching from doesn't care about your problems. Often, they want to talk about their problems. If they keep hearing about your problems, they may stop calling.
Handling The Rough Stuff
The person you're detaching from can be very abusive. Often, the reward they seek is to see the hurt in your eyes and the feeling of power they receive from being the cause of that hurt.
Recognizing this fact will give you unexpected power. The verbal jab is blunted when you know it's only meant to hurt you. And you can deny them the pleasure they seek. Don't debate the point. They want to keep the topic going because they know it's hurting you. Think of the verbal jab as a spitball thrown at you. If you laugh, or pretend you didn't hear it, or do anything else instead of looking hurt, it's the equivalent of ducking and letting the spitball sail by. Shrug off the comment as lightly as possible, and then bring up a topic of your own -- one that you know is distasteful to your tormentor. Doing this will deny them their reward, and give negative reinforcement. Eventually, they will stop attacking you. Bullies like an easy target. Some examples are in order here. I know a man with verbally abusive parents. He learned to respond -- every time! -- by talking about his brother, who was gay. He described his brother's romantic exploits with enthusiasm, knowing his parents were very uncomfortable with the whole subject.
I know a woman whose uncle was verbally abusive and constantly made comments about her childhood molestation by another uncle. This woman learned to respond by staring at him, appearing distracted (and pretending she wasn't listening), then pointing to a spot on her uncle's face, neck or arms, and asking, "Does that look cancerous to you? Maybe you should get it checked."
Her uncle knew she was saying that as a defense. But he still hated it. And he stopped bothering her.
Take Care Of Yourself
In every life, there are other parts that are good. You have a right and a duty to focus on the good parts. If you have a good husband and child, or sweet pets who adore you, but your mother is making your life a living hell, give yourself permission to focus your time and energy on the good things.
Remember the old phrase, "Listen to your gut?" Don't do that. The unhealthy people in your life use guilt and manipulation to inspire a gut reaction from you. I remember my therapist telling me, "Of course they're good at pushing your buttons! They installed them!" Instead, use your intellect to talk back to your gut feelings. You know that person is no good for you. You know your energies are better spent elsewhere. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you. Say to yourself over and over again, "Taking care of myself must be my first emotional priority."
There's a book that is very helpful for this step. It's called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. Buy it and read it.
Practice, Practice, Practice
When you start this process, realize that you will slip up. You have spent all of your life in your relationship with this person, so give yourself a break. Don't punish yourself if you don't detach perfectly. Learn from every experience and try to do a little better next time. Be patient and persistent.
Detaching is a vital skill to practice on someone you are unable or unwilling to completely shut out of your life. You can even still love that person if you want to, even though you have detached. Your goal is to recognize the relationships that are not good for you, and make them a smaller part of your life. You can still care about unhealthy people, if you choose. But at the same time, you can prevent them from running (or ruining) your life.

[lighter]

This is great stuff, Lupita.  

Reminds me that it's OK to love people the way we need to love them, or relate to them.

We don't have to love them the way they want/desire/insist or try to force/guilt or otherwise intimidate us into relating with them.

Thanks.....  you posted more info.

Cool

[Lupita]

Excerpt from the Workbook
BACK TO TOP
 
The Detachment Paradox – The Workbook is filled with exercises that will help you to transform your life both on and off the job. You only need to pick up the morning paper or turn on the evening news to know that stress-related health problems continue to rise as job satisfaction and productivity continues to dip. This workbook has answers to both of those problems. It is designed to lead you through activities that will help you to rediscover your personal life and to become a more objective and productive employee. You will become a healthier, less-stressed person who discovers that time does exist to pursue activities close to your heart. You will also become a happier, more productive and efficient employee.

Whereas the book, The Detachment Paradox, contains personal anecdotes and a thorough discussion of Anthony Zolezzi’s seven keys to detachment, this workbook is filled with hands-on activities designed to get you moving and working towards a better life. Zolezzi’s seven keys, converted here into thoughtful activities, allow you to implement changes in your life as soon as you put your pen or your pencil down. The activities throughout this workbook are meant to be process oriented. They are meant to take some time. You won’t be able to do them all at once – you shouldn't if you can. Many of them will work better if they are allowed to simmer a little while. They will challenge your current mindset – and possibly cause some necessary discomfort – all while showing you how to take back the control in your life.

Understand that each time you finish an activity you will be one step closer to a rich and rewarding life.

 
 

Is a repetitive cycle of stress, sleepless nights, and anxiety putting you in a funk? 
Do you wonder why you never seem to feel rested? Have you ever gone home depressed and disappointed because your company or division didn’t meet its quarterly number?
Before you start asking your doctor for one of those calming prescription drugs advertised on TV, you might want to give some thought as to what is causing you to feel this way. Could the source of your problems be a series of control dramas that have been inflicted on you by your boss or the faceless corporate culture in which you work? Could another source be your corporation's constant reminder of their unreasonable bottom line and your inability to attain their “golden” number every few months?
Maybe it is a combination of the two that leaves you feeling like you have a constant low-level headache or that you are living in a “cloud of muck."

It’s time to realize that someone is attempting to control you—either through their own hidden agendas, or the corporation's constant brow-beating you receive in regards to the “numbers”. ( the school needs, to keep students no matter what, even if they have been expelled from other schools, and blame it on the teacher's capabilities or lack of creativity or lack of classroom management or lack of class control, etc)sOnce you step back and make this realization, you can begin to detach. You now have a personal mission to keep you grounded. Your mission will help you to see the control dramas and numbers games for what they are — arbitrary and manipulative.

In this section you will:

Learn effective detachment methods
Learn to detach from the "numbers game"
Learn to detach from control
Learn to stay focused on your personal mission

For a deeper discussion on these topics, refer to:
The Detachment Paradox, Exercises Three and Four—pages 61-100






The following exercises will help you put your detachment strategies to work.
 

1. Stay true to your personal mission.
Earlier, you spent a great deal of time working on your personal mission. Go back to the page
where you wrote the final version of your personal mission. Read it a couple of times. Now,

quickly list what you are working on at the office: ____________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

Are your tasks consistent with your mission? YES NO (circle one) If you circled yes, smile, take a deep breath and move on. If you answered no, take a moment and list specifically what diverts your attention. 
_______________________________________________________________________
What can you do to move your attention back towards your mission? Maybe all you needed is a reminder to stay focused. Maybe someone is acting manipulative. Maybe it’s the numbers.

Let’s move on and see if any of the following exercises can get you back to your primary purpose—your personal mission.

2. Quit taking it personally.
Look at the organizational structure at the office. Who has the biggest impact on your psychological well being? Make a quick list of people around the office who impact your ability to get your work done. 

______________________________________________________________________
Step back and look at him/her/them with objective eyes. What hidden agendas might they have? What insecurities do they harbor? Realize that their agendas and their insecurities are not yours. Detach emotionally from it. Silently empathize with them as people, remind yourself of your personal mission and remember why you are there.

3. Establish your own ‘performance criteria’ and rules of employment.
From your point of view, what is expected of you at the office? Make a list of your responsibilities.

___________________________________________________________________

What do you expect in return? ____________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Establish the limits of this work arrangement. Write your “contract” here: __________________

_________________________________________________________________________
Make a mental recording of this “contract” and stick to it as much as possible.
(See page 23 for a more thorough exercise in “creating” your own job description.)

4. Make sure you are rested and feeling good.
You achieve peak performance, which is what the company wants, when you make time for yourself. In the past 2 weeks, what have you done for yourself? _________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________
Did you enjoy these moments? Did you get some exercise? Did you have some “down” time? If not, spend some time working on your schedule. Time for Yourself—Section 4 has activities that will help you prioritize your life and help you to create a reasonable schedule that benefits you. After you have worked on this schedule and you see what is important, don’t be shy about speaking up when you feel you’re being deprived of necessary rest or exercise. If you do, you’ll command respect. If you don’t, your own insecurity, lack of rest, and poor health will make it easy for others to control you.

5. Recognize attempts at control and use them to benefit you.
Who is “in charge” at your office? What types of things does this person do to keep the 

employees—you—in line? List a few. _______________________________________

____________________________________________________________________
Once you recognize these types of things, you can often use them to your advantage. Controlling individuals often like things “their way” so you can let them do it “their way”. Don’t worry if what they want seems like the wrong approach or isn’t up to your standards – remember, it’s their issue, not yours. Get your satisfaction elsewhere.

6. When you have to work over the weekend, make it on your terms.
You’ve just been called in and asked to work this weekend. You’d rather not, but your boss explains how important it is. How can you minimize the effect it will have on you?

Assess the situation for what it is—an imposition—and don’t act as if this is something that’s now routinely expected of you.
Clarify the time frame. Is it Saturday only? Mornings? Afternoons? All day? Don’t settle for the “couple of hours” answer. Have them give you a specific time.
Clarify exactly what it is that you are needed to do?
Be specific about your plans. You can work, but on your terms. You can work from 7 until noon. You have a family outing, but you can come in a bit early and take some work home. Next week, however, is out of the question. You have tickets for … Or, you have vacation plans with your wife…etc. Be flexible yet firm. By doing this, you show the boss you have an important life outside of work.
7. Make sure you’re given accurate and realistic time frames.
The next time you are given a deadline, ask a few questions.
Is this deadline a calendar issue? Is a quarter coming to an end? Or some other specific time period set by the company?
Who set the deadline? Is it your immediate boss?
You have probably dealt with many deadlines in the course of your career. You can probably recognize a reasonable one from an unreasonable one. When an unreasonable deadline comes your way, take it for what it is—unreasonable. This doesn’t mean you stop working. You still do your best, but you now understand that this deadline cannot be met and you won’t let it cause added stress. Remember, controlling people love to set unreasonable deadlines.
8. Keep everything in perspective.
So, you’re two weeks out from a major deadline. The stress starts building. A mental fog creeps in. What do you do? Are you afraid you won’t make the deadline? Do you have fears related to this project? Or your job in general? Write down some work fears/insecurities. _________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Which of these fears/insecurities is being caused by someone else and their agenda?

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________
The ones you listed, you can do nothing about except detach. So, take a deep breath and remember your mission. You are not your job. Repeat the phrase—“I am not my job” at least three times. Look at the project with a fresh perspective and move on.

9. Be straightforward and honest with everyone.
Sadly, it is all too common to pick up the paper and see another headline about someone else who has been dishonest in the workforce. Has there been a time when have been asked to “fudge” the numbers or misrepresent something? Briefly describe this incident. _____________________________

______________________________________________________________________
What would have happened if you had been honest? Describe a possible scenario and relive this event 

honestly. _________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________
When a questionable incident arises, let it be known—politely, but firmly—how you feel. If nothing else, you will earn respect. Your candor, in fact, will help you become known as an individual who can be trusted. Above all, be honest with yourself. Truth is your best armor, especially in an office with manipulative management.

10. View the situation as you would a situation comedy.
You interact with a handful of people on a daily basis. Picture each one of these people and give them a new name—something that highlights an interesting/annoying characteristic about them. The screaming boss. The competitive coworker. The guy on the phone. The know-it-all. List your new characters using their new names.

________________ _________________ ________________

________________ _________________ ________________
Now that you have your characters, put them into some situations and imagine how they would act. You’ll find yourself amused at the absurdity of the control dramas you encounter. You will recognize the insecurities that go with them and actually empathize with the characters. One last thing, what would you name your show?

Coming this Fall on Detachment Network….

__________________________________
Your Title Here
 
 

BACK TO TOP
Copyright Anthony Zolezzi 2004

ASM Books
P.O. Box 3083, La Habra CA 90631

[Violet]

Lupita,
This is so full of good stuff.  I cut and pasted it into my
"Life" folder.  Thanks for this; I want to read it today and really think about it in depth.  This ties in so much with everything I am working on about my relationship with Nmom and my issues of self abandonment, independence, voice, etc.; I am especially trying to learn how to "attach" my "self" to my "self" (reparenting my abandoned inner child through EFT tapping and self love affirmations). 

Have noticed I am becoming less and less dependent on her approval and affirmation, less and less affected by her verbal barbs and efforts to undermine me.  I actually called and talked to her this morning on the phone and the old bitterness and rage did not come up from deep inside me, just pleasant neutrality or maybe what lollie calls "medium chill."  This is huge for my life!!  I do not think I can move very far forward in my healing until I master detachment.

Thank you so VERY much for posting this; will be a great adjunct to what I am doing with EFT!  Love ya!  (((((((Lupita)))))))
Violet

[Lupita]

For those who don’t know, “upeksa” or “equanimity” are basically one of the four “Sublime Attitudes” in Buddhism — also called “the Four Immeasurables,” or “the four sublime attitudes” (the others being loving-kindness, compassion, and sympathetic joy).

Trina brings up a great point about my attitude towards comments on Zen Habits and elsewhere, and about my attitude towards everyday life. While I don’t always succeed (I get angry or irritated like everyone else), equanimity is a concept I strive for as much as possible. And here’s a tip: the more you practice this, the better you get, and the happier and saner you will become.

If you noticed some of the comments under my guest post at Consumerism Commentary, and especially the Lifehack.org Firefox OS post, there are some extremely negative things said about me and my articles (including but not limited to: I hope you never reproduce; The author is a moron; This guy is an idiot). However, in response, I have several choices:In this article that I found in the internet, I use it for my help In my case as a teacher, I can descend to the level of the student and engage in an unproductibe discussion,and this is exactly what they want, they want to get me out of work side track me so they do not have to do the work, etc.
I can respond with similar negativity, and thereby increase the animosity between myself and the commenter, and the general community. This has the unfortunate side effects of making me feel really angry and negative, and making me look bad in front of everyone else. People tend to judge negative people in a bad light.
I can ignore the comments, which is a valid option but allows them to go unanswered, which isn’t always the best choice if others don’t know that the comments are in error. This is what many people do, ignoring. bad bad.
I can answer the comments but remain positive. This is the choice I try to take in all cases. If a commenter thinks I’m a moron, well, I probably won’t be able to change his mind. But if he makes an erroneous point, I should clarify it, while thanking him for the opportunity to clarify my article. The benefits of this include: a) you clarify an erroneous comment; b) you look like a positive person to the community; c) you don’t get sucked into negative feelings; and d) sometimes you can actually win people over by remaining positive in your interactions with them. This has happened to me several times, and I’ve even developed good relationships with people this way. This philosophy of remaining positive, even under attack, applies to all parts of life, not just in responding to comments. I’ve used it in my everyday dealings with people. It takes two to argue, and even if the person refuses to rise to your level, that’s his problem, not yours.

YEAH RIGHT, AS IF I can do that, lol.


How can you develop equanimity? Here, as always, are my suggestions:
Learn to meditate, even just a little. This is such a deep topic that I won’t get into it here, but basically even the simplest meditation can bring you a peace of mind and the perspective needed for equanimity.
Learn to detach yourself and be an observer. Try this exercise: imagine yourself leaving your body, floating above it, and going higher until you are looking down on yourself and the world and people around you. You are an observer, not involved in the situation. As an observer, you don’t get angry or emotionally involved … you simply observe without judgment. This exercise can help you remove yourself from the heat of things and see with a greater perspective.
Take deep breaths. If you find yourself getting angry or emotional over an issue, take a deep breath, and step back. Often it’s best not to respond when you’re in an emotional state — you might regret it later. I often will leave an email without responding to it, and come back to it later, if it provokes an emotional response. The same thing when getting into an argument with someone in real life — tell them you need a minute, get some fresh air, and step back from the situation. You’ll often find that you come back to it with a completely different approach.
Be Teflon. Let things roll off you. Understand that there will always be people who are angry or rude or who are having a bad day. Their problems do not have to be yours. If they are mean, you don’t need to be mean also. Let their anger and comments and meanness roll off you like water on a duck’s back. Only by letting them engage you will you allow that anger to take seed in your body and grow. If you can let it roll off you, and ignore it, and smile, things will often get better. Seek understanding. If someone says something mean to you, instead of taking it as a personal insult, understand that you are not the center of this person’s world — often they are coming off a very bad morning, or are having marital problems, or perhaps they don’t understand the issue very well. (I add on my own, and the reason is not you)There’s always a reason for anger and rudeness — and if you can understand it, it’s easier to deal with.
In the heat of battle, the mind tends to lose it's balance. It is vital to keep your presence of mind, maintaining your mental powers, whatever the circumstances. Make the mind tougher by exposing it to adversity. Learn to detach yourself from the chaos of the battlefield. There are numerous examples in Roman sources depicting this very strategy in action.

Caesar offers his own version of this, citing bad leadership as equivalent to showing raw emotion in battle.

It is his ability to remain focused that allowed Caesar to manipulate a changing battle to his favor, such as the case when the 9th Legion was faltering, Caesar himself took command, standing among the legionaries and with a calm head giving orders to his troops. The former commander of the Legion let his emotions carry him to a foolhearty charge and early demise.

Sources on the 2nd Punic War recount the same. Hannibal frequently egged on Roman consuls into foolish attacks, bad ground, etc on more than one occasion.

These leaders are often scolded in literary sources for their brashness and use of emotion in battle.

Applied to MA it's the same principle. The calmer and more focused you are, the fewer mistakes and the more adaptability you maintain.

This applies to all levels of the military, from the legionary, to the centurions, to the consuls.

The main complaint about Alexander's Armies were that they were completely useless without Alexander himself on the front lines. The army did not operate without his calm and collected presence, as seen by the sections of his army that faltered in battle (any component not directly under his control essentially).

--------------------

DO NOT FIGHT THE LAST WAR: THE GUERRILLA-WAR-OF-THE-MIND STRATEGY

What often weighs you down and brings misery is the past. You must consciously wage war against the past and force yourself to react to the present moment. Be ruthless on yourself; do not repeat the same tired methods. Wage guerrila war on your mind, allowing no staic lines of defense--make everything fluid and mobile. Again, sources abundant in the Roman tradition of warfare.

The breakdown of the legion itself allows an enormous amount of mobility and adaptability, with each cohort led by a centurion and other NCO's.

It was also the fluid motion of Caesar's battle plans that allowed him to be victorious on several battles where he was outnumbered, surrounded, and the underdog.

Originally he started his battles reflecting the Marian style, wait on a hill, throw javelins at army, charge down hill and squash the enemy.

Caesar reiterates this experience in his work "The Conquest of Gaul". For one battle he mimicked the Marian tactic, won his battle, and vowed never to fight that way ever again....and he never did.

The one area where Caesar remained static cost him dearly against Pompey.

Caesar was renowned for always building ramparts and fortifications wherever he made battle. His earthwork style of fighting was a real decisive factor in his conquest of Gaul, seen in numerous battles.

But he never had the need to adapt this style or change it ever.

At Dyrrhachium, Pompey knew EXACTLY what Caesar planned to do, and the battle started as simply a contest to see who was the better earthenworks builder.

Turned out to be Pompey, and Caesar came very close to having his entire army annihilated and himself captured or killed.


do not get political or moral. This is about general raw war strategy. I change war for life. Life strategy.

[Lupita]

Understanding Detachment
By Dr. Sidney Langston

    Carol, a 42-year-old mother of three, has struggled for years with compulsive behaviors. She overspends, drinks too much and goes from doctor to doctor complaining of fatigue, multiple aches and pains and inability to cope with her activities of daily living. As a result of her doctor's visits she has a stash of pills which she uses indiscriminately to alter her moods. For years her husband, Jim, begged her to stop drinking, "pill popping" and overspending. Her behavior is financially and emotionally bankrupting the family. He has tried being nice, being tough and even seeking professional help, all to no avail. He simply couldn't fix the problem.

    After awhile, Jim began to live like an automaton. He became numb to his feelings and his focus remained on Carol's addictive behaviors. He never realized that he was developing serious problems of his own. His major emotions were anger, self pity and resentment. Resentment fueled his anger, which distorted any accurate perception of reality, and self pity warped his decision-making powers. These emotions began to propel him through life in a dysfunctional/codependent fashion. His emotional pain became a destructive force in which he was trapped. He could see no way out of his dilemma.

    In order to save his life, Jim must take some positive action to recover from the family disease of addiction. He needs to focus on his own reactive behaviors rather than on his wife's addictions. He needs to develop the skill of detachment in order to free himself from his own sickness of codependency and dysfunction.
    Detachment is often a frightening word with negative undertones. It calls up images of someone who is self-centered and living a solitary, isolated existence. Detachment does not have to be negative. It can lead to a happier, healthier, more effective way of life.

    Detachment simply means living a life which isn't centered on someone else's addictive or compulsive behaviors. It is the ability to live one's own life. Detachment helps people learn that they must work on their own problems, that blaming others for their own unhappiness is useless and unrealistic. The most helpful thing they can do is put their own life in order.

    Detachment is easy to talk about, but hard to do. The difficulty lies in the fact that many people perceive this coping and recovery technique as selfish and uncaring. Often their circumstances make them feel that there is no way they can detach. They think that if they do, they'll forever destroy any chances they might have for happiness. According to Johnson Institute, a leading research center on addictive and codependent behaviors, one difficulty people have in learning to detach is recognizing that the world doesn't center around them and that they are not responsible for anyone else's behavior. They have to learn that their agony is self-inflicted, and their desperation is self-imposed. The people who find it difficult to learn detachment are over conscientious, often extremely moralistic, and fixed in an attitude in which they feel compelled to live. Most of all, they feel responsible for the dysfunctional person and his or her compulsive behavior. They are committed to an unalterable set of ways they are supposed to feel. They reject any suggestions that there are other right ways to think, feel or behave.

    In general these people misunderstand what detachment means from a behavioral perspective. What they need to see is that detachment means disentangling themselves from the compulsive person they love. What they want for themselves and everyone involved is an end to the pain, a safe haven from hurt, some peace and joy. What they need to do is detach themselves from their victimization. That means consciously pursuing alternative ways of looking at the world and at their own lives. Detachment is a learned behavior. It is a behavior which allows us to be responsible for our own actions and obligations. Detachment means, in the face of difficulty, making an informed choice to take time out, to step backwards, to objectively assess the situation and make a decision that will result in self-preservation.

    If you are in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship, become aware of the ways in which you try to fix problems and rescue the compulsive person to whom you are attached.
 

__________
Leite, Evelyn. (1987). Detachment, The art of letting go. Minneapolis, MN.:    Johnson Institute

Springle, Pat. (1989). CoDependency, Emerging from the eclipse. Houston, TX:  Rapha Publishing.

Springle, Pat. (1990). CoDepenency, Emerging from the eclipse. Houston, TX:  Rapha Publishing.
 
 



Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center, Inc.

[Lupita]

Lighter, Lea, Violet, thank you so much for your validation. As a teacher, it is so hard, you have to force your presence into teen agers who do not want you in, and it is hard, not to take it personally, you have to develop a thick skin.

Of course, it is a huge difference when teaching elementary, they are sweet, inocent, receptive, you say, let us watch a movie, and they say yupi!!!!, let us sing, yupi!!!!!, let us dance  youpi!!!!

Teens, say neh, let us dance, neh, that is retarded, let us sing, neh, that is stupid. They do not want to do anyting plus, they depise the spanish class, they are used to despise the class, they are tought to dispise the class, spanish is ofr ignorant people, so, I have to detach, and not tot ake it personally, and be very very creative.

Detachment has helped.

And most important, the validation and friendship that I get from some people here, is invaluable.

Thank you violet, thank you Lea and thank you Lighter for always answering in my threads, for counting on you. I love you. I treasure you.

God bless you all.

Ah, there is more to come.

[lighter]

Reall really really resonating with your post 7 Lupita.

Echos of lessons I know but haven't made into habits yet.

discovering better habits and remaining focused long enough for them to become familiar.....

yes.

[Lupita]

Time, there never seems to be enough of it. There are relationship, career, personal interest, family and social demands all screaming for attention in our life. We have the same amount of time available as we begin a new day, 24 hours to use or abuse as we see fit. This is not an article about time management; time management is a misnomer. You can't manage time. Time passes oblivious to your needs, desires, problems, goals, expectations and dreams. You can only manage a variety of activities and attitudes within a framework of passing time. Well, if we can't manage time, what can we manage? We can manage our resources, decisions, thoughts, expectations, problems, people, failures, activities, successes, risks, feelings, goals, money, emotions and a whole host of attitudes. Let's get to the heart of the issue. Many people live with daily frustration unable to manage some or all of the items on the previous list effectively. They are anxious, troubled and often angry at the relentless passage of time that is insensitive to their wishes, demands, frustrations and goals. Many of these people feel stuck, have given up, or have settled thinking this is just the way it is, and has to be. They see themselves as a pawn to the demands and expectations to one or more areas of their life. Therefore, robbing themselves of the pleasure and happiness that is available to everyone. These people are out of balance, and they know it. They are puppets on a string waiting for the next tug that pulls them this way or that. They feel like their life is out of control, and they feel stuck. They see themselves with very few options, and they don't realize that the choices they make, or have made in the past, determine their next options. We all have choices, but if these choices are made with a narrow vision of what can be, an unclear picture of reality, or clouded perceptions and interpretations of people and circumstances, they will always be made with limited resources and understanding. These people remain stuck. Some have moved on, but they still feel unable to shed the feelings of anxiety. There are several major areas in a persons life that demand a portion of their available time. They are: family, career, social, personal development, spiritual development, physical development, personal interests or hobbies, friends, social activities, and let's not forget time to sleep and eat. Is it possible to live a balanced life? Is it possible to satisfy the expectations either from ourselves, our or world on how we should be using our time? Is it possible to have it all? Become it all? Do it all? See it all? Learn it all? Read it all? No, it's not that kind of world. So we are back to choosing. How each of us chooses to use or spend our time is a very individual matter. Juggling the expectations of a boss, customer, a spouse, children, parents, friends, siblings, and the world in general is a difficult and delicate task at best. No one has an answer, or easy formula to this very difficult issue. You will not find an answer in this article. What I hope you will find, is insight or self-discovery as to your feelings, courage to modify any behavior or attitudes that are sabotaging one or several areas of your life. You may have noticed that when one area of your life is out of harmony or balance it impacts every other area as well. When you are devoting too much time to your career, every other aspect of your life is impacted. Every aspect of your life is intricately entwined with every other area. If you choose to devote no time to your personal growth, you will lack skill, understanding or wisdom that could contribute positively to some other aspect of your life. By the same token, if you spend time regularly relaxing or meditating, it could help you find the patience or calmness you need in your career or family issues. Why do people get out of balance? There are a number of causes that include, but are not limited to: Unrealistic goals or a lack of goals, lack of planning, a need for approval and/or acceptance, inadequate personal growth, over estimation of abilities or skills, the inability to say no, the desire to please, lack of discipline, arrogance, greed, insensitivity, lack of spiritual development, un-managed ambition, the need for power, un-checked egos, lack of commitment and a lack of congruence or integrity. Hefty list. I would guess that everyone who is out of balance in their life is guilty of several of these. However, it only takes one. Being out of balance in life doesn't feel good. We often feel like the special people in our lives are being cheated. What you might not realize is that you may from time to time cheat your children, friends or a spouse, but you are always cheating yourself no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing. Life is lived in the present, one moment at a time. It is not lived yesterday or tomorrow, but now. Every time you make a decision to spend time in a certain way, like passing time reading this article, you have eliminated all other choices of time. Once you decide to go to a movie, you have eliminated the options of dinner, dancing, golf and so on. Once you decide to work late you have chosen to sacrifice something else. I don't mean to be funny, but you can't be in two places at once. You can't be on vacation and at work too, although many people try. Once you choose one restaurant for dinner you have eliminated all others for that meal. People need to understand that they have choices, and that the choices they make, and the consequences that come with them are a part of the bargain. Frustration sometimes sneaks into people's lives when they believe it is possible to break the rules and have it all, do it all or become it all. You chose your career and life path. You chose your current relationship. You chose your current circumstances by the previous choices you have made. You made them for you. Even if you are in a career that was chosen for you by your parents, and that happens less and less today, than years ago, you have chosen to stay in it even if you are unhappy. You have given the power in your life over to someone else. If you rationalize that you have to work eighty hours a week and weekends because your boss or organization expects it, you have given up your power to someone else. Then you might say, but I need this job or career. I need the money. No, you have chosen to need it. You could have chosen a different lifestyle that would have required less income. You may feel like you are stuck in a relationship emotionally, physically or financially. Again, I doubt that anyone forced you into it. You may have gone into it with closed eyes, but you chose to keep your eyes closed. Like it or not in every situation in life you are where you are because of your choices. Want a better life? Make different choices. I would like to share 15 ideas with you that may help you put balance back into your life, so that you can find time for the people and goals in your life that are possibly being shortchanged, including yourself.

One: Spend some quiet time reflecting on the quality of your life in general. Not just a single area, but consider every aspect, and the relationship of each to your overall life.

Two: Make a list of all the areas or people in your life that are coming up short and why.

Three: Determine which area of your life is getting most of your time and energy, and which is getting the least. Ask yourself why? Is the gain in one area worth paying the price of a loss in another area? Only you can answer that question, and only you will pay the price or enjoy the rewards.

Four: Write a letter to yourself about how you would like your life to look like six months from now. Describe in detail how you spend your time, and what proportions of time are dedicated to the various activities and people in your life.

Five: Give yourself at least thirty minutes a day for thirty days to reflect on your overall life goals and your progress toward them.

Six: Write a personal mission statement. Include your life philosophy, guiding principals, desired outcomes and overall direction you want your life to take.

Seven: Move ahead mentally to age 70. What have you accomplished, what do your relationships look like, who have you become and what is important to you? Now work backwards. What do you need to change now to get where you say you want to be. Remember, you change the quality of your future in the present.

Eight: Ask several people who know you well, and will be honest and non judgmental, to offer some feedback on your life and its direction. Listen and learn with an open and receptive attitude. You may not change because of the feedback they give you, but the insight you gain can give you some ideas that could be life changing.

Nine: Take a few days off from your job, career and/or current relationships. Spend time in a place that you are at peace and alone. It could be the beach, the mountains or anywhere where you can spend quality time with yourself evaluating your life, without the distractions and expectations of others. Go with no agenda other than self-discovery.

 Ten: If you do not keep a journal of your thoughts, lessons learned, life progress, feelings, interests, or observations, start one today. Take a few minutes at the end of each day recording whatever you feel in some way contributed to who you are, how you feel, and who you are becoming.

Eleven: Develop an action plan to re-allocate your time and energy to those people or activities that are important to you.

Twelve: It isn't necessary to sell your business, quit your job or end a relationship to find better balance in your life. It requires a conscious awareness of what your life is really like, a desire to modify it in some way, the courage to change, the necessary skills and the commitment to stick with it.

Thirteen: Learn to detach from other people's emotional or physical hold over you. It will not be easy, there will be people who use blame, guilt, manipulation or any number of emotional or physical techniques to keep you stuck in past behavior or thought patterns. They will know how to push your buttons hoping to control you in some way. When you permit others to manipulate you in any way, you give them power over your life. Detachment means letting go of the hold other people have over you. You can still love them and want to be with them, but you no longer have to be a slave to their baggage.

Fourteen: Don't try and change everything over night. It takes time to change attitudes and behavior that have developed over the years. Be patient and loving with yourself, but you must also hold yourself accountable. Letting yourself off the hook or making excuses will not put you on the road back to a balanced life.

Fifteen: Reward your successes. Treat yourself when you accomplish a goal. Make it something symbolic or significant, but whatever it is make sure you take time to bask in the sunshine of success. Then begin again. Don't spend too much time basking, or you may fall back into your old habits. Change, permanent change requires vigilance and persistence. You can't let up until you have achieved total and permanent success. It will always be possible to fall back, even though you have reached your goal, don't become too casual or relaxed. There will be new people and circumstances lurking in the shadows for a vulnerable moment, be watchful. None of these steps may be easy. Only you can decide if the potential outcome of more balance and inner peace are worth the price that must be paid. Don't change because of guilt, other people's expectations, or some casual or superficial whim.


If you like working seventy hours a week and seeing your kids once a month for a few hours, that is fine. If you want to change, that's fine too. If you decide to change, do it for healthy, emotional or physical reasons not ego-driven motives. One final thought. Total balance in life is an ideal. There will always be times when you may be temporarily out of balance devoting extra time to a new career, project, relationship or activity. This is healthy and normal, but be on the lookout that these times don't stretch into years or decades. It is then that you may end up paying the heavy price of regret in one area of your life. Regret weighs tons, but the daily discipline of change weighs only ounces. Which are you willing to pay?

[Lupita]

And Lighter, please, do me a favor and see if you can go deeper in detachment versus make peace with injustice or unfairness as a sign of hopelessness or learned helplessness. Please, please, I need something like that and Have not found it anywhere.

Leah, you also are very resourceful, if you can find something about detachment versus accepting what you cant change. instead or fightinh, balance. I dont know.

Love to you wonderful ladies. I would chnage oyu names of lea and lighter to ladywarriors. Warriors of the pain, warriors of the mind.

Love to you.

[Lupita]

To effectively get your work out to the world, you will need to learn to detach from what others think of you. It is important not to worry about being liked, appreciated, or understood. You are at the forefront of a new consciousness, and many of your ideas are new. It takes an evolved person to appreciate new ideas. Learn to detach from needing praise or validation; others may simply not be awareFeel free to publish the following article in e-zines, websites, printed newsletters and magazines. However, the article has to be published as it is, without any editing and alterations, and to include the resource box below.



The Importance of Inner Detachment for Success
by Remez Sasson

We are often told that success requires motivation, desire and ambition, but there is another important ingredient, and this is inner detachment.

I hear you now saying, "What has inner detachment to do with success? Isn't detachment a state of indifference? How can one attain success with such a state of mind?"

These are erroneous assumptions! Inner detachment is not indifference! I am not speaking here about asceticism or abstinence. One can lead a normal, ordinary life, and yet display inner emotional and mental detachment.

I want to make it clear. True emotional and mental detachment is not a state of indifference, apathy or lack of energy. One can be loving, happy, helpful and energetic, and yet possess and display inner detachment.

True inner detachment manifests as the ability to think clearly and to be immune to what people think or say about you. It enables you to have more control over your moods and states of mind, and therefore enjoy inner balance, harmony and peace. It also helps you handle more efficiently your daily affairs of life, as well difficult situations or emergencies.

This is a state that comes from inner strength and inner peace, and not from apathy and indifference. It coexists with self-control, self-discipline and a focused mind. It brings inner calmness and tranquility that external circumstances cannot disturb or upset.

You will surely agree that all the above-mentioned qualities and abilities are important for the attainment of success!

Not everything always turns out as planned or expected. Plans sometimes do not work out, people don't behave as expected and unforeseen obstacles might stand in the way. All this can dampen one's spirit and weaken the motivation, ambition and faith, but a state of emotional and mental detachment will prevent all that. A person possessing detachment will not be affected or daunted by obstacles or failures and will try again and again.

While others become immersed in self-pity or in thoughts about failure and missed opportunities, the person who possesses detachment will be working on a new venture or trying a different approach. A state of inner detachment helps to forget failure and focus on the future and on success.

Lack of detachment is attachment, which means, among other things, clinging to old or outdated behavior and ways of thinking. Attachment manifests as fear to make changes, to progress or try doing things in a different way.

Lack of attachment is detachment, which equals to inner freedom and the ability to make and accept changes, take advantage of opportunities and adopt new habits.
Detachment goes with the ability to weigh the pros and cons of situations, circumstances and actions in an impartial way, and to make rational decisions, which are not based on moods. It helps to keep a clear and focused mind, and to recognize opportunities that others might not see.

Now you might be wondering whether it is possible at all to acquire this ability. Yes, it is possible, but this requires training and inner work. You will find below a few suggestions to help you start. Don't underestimate these suggestions. Follow them, and you will gain inner detachment, inner strength and inner peace.

1. Pay more attention to your thoughts, feelings and state of mind. A heightened awareness of your thoughts and feelings shows you where you need to develop and progress.

2. Remind yourself every now and then how important it is to be calm, relaxed and in control of yourself, your mind and moods, especially when you feel agitated or unfocused.

3. When you desire to say or do something that is not really important, wait a few seconds before talking or acting.

4. When aware of anger arising in you, delay your reaction for a few seconds.

5. Learn not to take everything said or done too personally.

6. Here is another thing you can do. It is very simple, but in most cases real hard. Try sometimes, not always, to switch off your TV in the middle of your favorite program. Though a very simple act, it requires real inner strength. If you can do so once in a while, you will be able to manifest more and more emotional and mental detachment, which will help you on your road to success and achieving your goals and ambitions.[/[/color]b]-----------------------------------------------------------
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© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

 enough to see the value of what you are doing. Learn to detach from people's reactions and value your work according to your own internal sense of its worth.

[Violet]

Wow, Lupita, thanks for the addendum about "time."  I feel this is all so resonant with what I am trying to reclaim for my own life lately.  This really speaks to me, right this moment, having felt extreme frustration with my recent experiences, losing the momentum and ground I had gained before leaving town weeks ago.  Now upon returning home, finding myself too ill to resume my "work" and trying to find peace and self acceptance in the "now" and trying to learn to experience this feeling of "cosmic balance" inside myself even when outside circumstances are not going the way I had planned or the way I want.  Cuts to the essence of how we determine and define our validity.  Am I more successful when I am ticking off things on my to do list, but feeling stressed and hopeless and invalidated inside, or am I "successful" when my circumstances are outwardly sucking and inwardly I feel peace and joy?

I hope this does not sound too weird....
Violet

[Lupita]

November 2007

So? ... But Not So What!
By Paul D. Houston

I  was talking with a friend recently when he confided he was having a problem developing one of his talents because he was afraid he might be criticized by others for not doing it well. I introduced him to a powerful philosophy I have worked out over the years that I commend to you as well. Unlike most philosophies, it is simple, easy to understand and easy to remember. It’s one word: “So?”

Don’t get me wrong. It is not “so what?” which is a very different philosophy. So what is a dismissive view of the world. It is aggressive and leaves no room for learning. So what just says you aren’t listening and that you probably think you know better than the other person and you have no real interest in what they have to say. It is the verbal equivalent of putting your hands over your ears and repeating “lalalalalala.”

So is a much deeper view of the world. So is based on two principles — discernment and detachment. Discernment is necessary because it is important to listen to what others say and think. That means you have to take in lots of information and then you have to consider it. That is particularly true in the work we do.

Discerning Minds
Leadership is all about connection and the fastest way to break connection is to fail to listen to others. So listening and caring about what you are hearing is crucial. But it is a good idea to use some discernment once that is done. I can’t imagine everything you hear during the day is useful or even that it all makes good sense. A lot of what I heard in the superintendent’s office was spectacularly idiotic and a lot more didn’t really help me with my work. I have to admit some of that came from my own mouth. The point here is that all of us aren’t wise all the time. You have to filter what is said and suggested.

I also can’t imagine every criticism you hear is worth adopting or taking seriously. You have to discern whether what you are hearing is worthy of your effort to adapt and adopt. It has been my experience that some of what I get from others in the way of suggestions and ideas is valuable and needs to be taken seriously. Other thoughts are best left dormant. Discerning minds want to know, but they don’t always feel the need to act.

Attachment comes when you take in what others think as the way you feel you should live your life. You choose to accept their judgments and views as better than your own and then you feel you need to follow their drumbeat. Detachment comes when you learn that others’ ideas and judgments are just that — ideas and judgments. They are no better or worse than your own. Certainly, not much good can come from you taking them in and living your life based upon them. In fact, a lot of the unhappiness I have observed in life has come from an individual’s inability to detach from what others think.

Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t feel. You don’t have to be numb or dumb. You just have to refuse to own the junk mail that others send you. Do you save all the spam in your inbox? Detachment is simply a way of deleting the spam.

Succinct Philosophy
So that brings us back to “so.” When I laid out my philosophy, my friend laughed and suggested I might be on to something. He marveled at the economy of what I was offering and suggested it might be the shortest philosophic statement he had heard. In fact, it is one of the shortest words in the English language — bested only by “I” as the shortest. And that is the opposing philosophy to so.

The I philosophy leaves no room for listening because no one else is important. I (see it is hard to talk without using the word) have observed too often I appears in the middle of superIntendent. It is pretty easy, when you are the big cheese, to think it is all about you. It also appears much too often in the middle of those the superintendent deals with.

If so is about discernment and detachment, then I is about selfishness and self-centeredness. It assumes Galileo was wrong and that I, not the sun, exists in the center of the universe. Sadly, many start out with a “you” philosophy, but when one is totally selfless, it often leads to feeling abused and used. The you morphs into I and selflessness becomes selfishness. While it starts with self-protection, it quickly becomes destructive to others.

Middle Ground
So there is a middle way — the so way. It can take many forms: “So, what can I do for you?” (being selfless with thought attached); “So, what’s so important about that?” (looking before buying); “So, let’s look at it another way” (opening the discussion to alternative ideas):

So is a conjunction or an adverb. It connects things — sews them together if you will — and it describes. It holds a place in the center of things, but it can also emphasize the quality of an experience. It can make things bigger (“it was so awesome!”). And better (“it was so wonderful!”). So, where was I? I realize if we could master the concept of so, I really think folks would be freed up to do what they are capable of doing. They would not be hemmed in by the limiting beliefs of others. They would not get so distressed about the challenges life offers and they could become unstuck in ways that allow them to be powerful. You might recall the empowering orders offered by Captain Picard on Star Trek: “Make it so.”

Education has to be about lifting limitations on ourselves and on others. So, what’s stopping us?

Paul Houston is AASA executive director. E-mail:phouston@aasa.org