Small shift for me

[Gaining Strength]

I have experienced a small shift.  It is difficult to describe and only time will tell what a difference i will make in my life, but I am hopeful.  It is a shift in energy and it came after a course of rather strange montage like dream images.  It is a shift in energy - from, "I want to and I think I can but what if I can't." to "I CAN do this and I am GOING to do this." 

I'll see what a difference it makes on the house today.  I'll let you know.  There's more to write but I must get to church.

[Ami]

Love you, GS! I will be awaiting an update.                       Ami
(((((((((((GS))))))))))   

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

Sounds like you have a new baseline from which to operate!

Two little words - "by grace" - have an amazing power to wash away the if's and but's for me... all the while, still, on my own, I am so unable to walk a straight line.
Praying that this sense of confident assurance continues to increase steadily for you, GS... and believing that it will.
Hope you enjoy your time of worship and praise!

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Good job!  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  But you have to think you can!

[Hopalong]

GS,
I am in the VERY same place today.
Hoping I will summon the will and energy to face important tasks I have again let slide.

I will light a candle for us both today.

love
Hops

[hardtotrust]

Great! Hope it is just the beginning of more changes for the better for you.

[Lupita]

Hey GS, what exactly happened? If you would like to share? Thiis is very intriguing. Love it. I would love to hear the complete story. well, read about it.

[Gaining Strength]

Well I definitely did begin to get some things done.  Not much.  But it is definitely different.  It was dificult - not the activities but the psychological push was difficult - there was certainly strong resistance. 

Let me begin with FRiday.  For some time I have made netion of some old lingering legal and financial issues that began with my husband's death.  Some of them small and some huge.  I had one thing after another get in my way - incompetent  or unwilling attorneys who had excellent reputations.  One thing that has never been done after 7 years is getting the car titles transferred to my name.  The esate attorney botched it time after time and finally his office whited out the co-executrix's name whiich invalidated both titles.  He refused to do what was necessary to get the new titles.  That was 4 years ago.  Two years ago I hired another attorney, paid $1000 to get the two titles tranferred - took the money - no new titles.  This is the short version.  Last week I called the 2nd attorney and asked them to mail me the original titles back - they had never even done that.  One car is at my house and another at m mother's.  two weeks ago the police in my suburb knocked on my door and told me I had 7 days to do someting with my "abandoned" car.  Then on Wednesday the car at my mother's house was cited and given 7 days to get moved.  She lives in a different municipality.    For 7 years I have been paralyzed to even begin to get this stuff done.  Two attorneys later I felt completely impotent to get the thing done. 

But on Friday, I marched myself down to the courthouse and found a helpful clerk who gave me some different paperwork that might expedite the process.  It feels really empowering to be getting this automobiles dealt with after all this time and all this expense and all this absolute failure and scamming by attorneys who should be able to help me handle a seemingly simple issue.

Yesterday my son and I began the big cleanup.  We didn't get much done but we did get to Big Lots and bought 4 large and 4 medium sterlite containers to begin just piling in the junk spread out on table tops and floor.  Today after church we began by making up my bed and sorting clean cloths and picking up the millions of pieces of lego and llincoln logs and other assorted tiny toy pieces.  that felt great.  After baseball practise we went to his room and did the same.  Made up his bed.  Put some dirty clothes and soiled bed linens in the wash.  Put toy pieces in containers to be sorted later.  Put all shoes in the closet.

Each day from here on out we are going to do more and more of this until it is done.  We have given ourselves two weeks to get it finished.

Wednesday, I put in an application at a local college for childcare assistance for 4 days afterschool.  I did this 2 years ago and got only one response and that person never called me back.  Two hours after I filled out the application on line I got a call - from a young man who is studying education and has so many good qualities and many interests in common with my little boy.  We met today and we found out we had even more in common.  He actually taught one of my nephews at a special school.  He takes martial arts in the same school as my son and much more.  It is a perfect fit.  I can't believe how amazingly that worked out.  The day before I put in the application the family his is currently living with and helping with told him that they need a full time person rather than a student.  So the next day the people at career development call him about my application.  It was just perfect timing.

I can't tell you how amazing it is to finally have things begin to fall into place.  It has been such a long, long road.  These are just the breaks that I have needed.

Earlier I mentioned some strange dreams that I had last night.  Here is one scene that made a real impression.  I was riding on a subway in NY city but the subway was more like a conveyor belt without walls or ceiling.  As we were going on our way we passed a man sitting on what looked like it was once a front porch of a wide but shallow trailor.  The whole thing had been burnt out and there was nothing left but the walls were draped in a fabric on all sides.  The man didn't even have clothes left.  He too was draped in fabric - but only on the front.

Several people went by and offered him substantial help - on the level of Extreme Makeover but he refused.  He was angry and biter and wanted the City and the GAs utility to pay up for the damage.  AS it turns out his home was destroyed by a gas explosion.  He was so bitter that he kept passing up help that would far exceed what ever the city and gas company would ever do for him.

I saw myself in that man - trying to get "justice" but missing out on all the gifts and all the hope by holding on to that "need" to get justice to get what I deserved.  It was a waste - a complete waste.

I hope I have truly moved on.  ONly time will tell.  But today was certainly a start.  I could tell because it did not come easy and yet it kept coming.  Like some kind of ooze that had enough weight behing it that even though slow it was too powerful to stop.  That what I hope.

Thanks to each of you who posted.  Lupita I hope I have answered your question.  If not ask me again and I will try to do better.  Hardtotrust Thanks for your wish.  I hope it is just the beginning as well.  I'm believing it for me.  Hops - my birthday was Monday and my new sister-in-law sent a beautifully fragrant candle.  I lit it for both of us and will continue to do so - thinking of you and sending you paperwork muju and organizational mojo each time.  Overcomer - that elephant is not very tasty but if that's all I got I'll eat it - one bite at a time.  Certain hope - grace - pure grace.  re: if - tonight a person at McDonalds told my little son something I have never heard before - not exactly appropriate for a 7 year old but you may find it funny as did I - if "ifs" were fifths we would all be drunk.  Ami - always thanks for your support.  I do so hope to have an update each and every day for 2 weeks until success.  I may even be brave enough to do a before and after photo.  I'm not sure.  I think my house could actually be condemned.  Do so wish I could just move like OC.  Thanks all - thanks for believing for me.

[Hopalong]

You're taking it back, GS...
taking it all back.

And then you can remake it.

I am so happy for you!

(I didn't do any of my work. But I had a wonderful women's wisdom retreat and felt deeply reconnected with the church community...it was warm and heartening and joyful.)

I start again tomorrow.
love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, I can't believe you read all that stuff I wrote.  That was definitely stuff that just came pouring out.  Thank you.

I'm so glad you went to th retreat.  I think that is so very important to have that reconnection experience.  For me, that is one of the most powerful experiences of healing - that feeling of connection.  I'm so glad you did that, so glad you took care of yourself. 

Thanks again for reading.

[Ami]

GS
 You are SUCH an inspiration to me. I may even get to my closet with everything  hanging out(lol).
 GS,you are taking lemons and making lemonaid. I ,always ,think of you when I hear that phrase.
  Today, I faced how badly my M was (and is) trying to destroy me ,at every turn.
  It would be so easy to give up with M's like ours,but you are doing it, GS.
   I will be awaiting updates!!!
        Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks AMi, I so appreciate your encouragement.  One of the things I have learned on Voicelessness is how to accept encouragement.  Not too long ago I would dimiss such comments and for a million different reasons ( I didn't deserve it, you didn't see my big mistake, you are just saying that, etc., etc.)  Finally, I am able to say, "That feels good.  Those words sound good.  I am thankful for that encouragement."  Thank you - love, GS

[Ami]

You are right about accepting encouragment or compliments. I "try" to say a simple thank you, NOT convince the person they were wrong(LOL)                      Hugs, Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Ami.

Thanks too Izzy.  I am so hopeful.  Each time I say that I am reminded how comfortable it is to lapse into fear that it won't last and doubt that it is real but fear and doubt are my real enemies so I am banishing them.

[teartracks]

Hi GS,

Your small shift reminds me again of that Bible verse that says, Despise not small beginnings.
A bunch of small shifts will eventually equal a big  Ahh moment.

I'm fighting cheering from  your corner!

tt