Yesterday was my aunt's funeral - my father's only sister. It was a blessing in that she "left" a number of years ago. It was the funeral itself that made it a "bad" day. Can't think of an appropriate word, better then "bad".
It was the first time I'd seen my brother (who isn't speaking to me) since last fall sometime. I arrived at my mother's to drive her and her car to the next town where the funeral was. My brother was there and got in his car when he saw me arrive. I parked my car to walk over the Mother's and he pulled out of his parking place next to hers and moved down the road too far to speak. Mother had asked him to drive close by us 'cuz she was afraid her car would give us trouble. We went all of 4 blocks when he disappeared in front of us.
We got to the house where all the cousins were gathered to ride in the limousines. He walked with mother to the door with me next to her. Not a word. So, I said, "Hey, P." He answered in a very angry, cold voice. I never knew it was possible to pack so much anger and coldness into 2 words. We left for the funeral in the limos - he was forced to sit next to me. The only thing he said was, "Will you please move over?" He talked to everyone around me, including leaning over me to talk to M. At the service, I offered him the hymnal and the prayerbook to share. He never touched it and next thing I knew he had found a prayer book of his own. We went back to the house for the "wake" and he studiously ignored me, left after a few minutes, saying goodbye to M. I didn't expect him to say goodbye to me. I wandered around shell-shocked.
When I got home, I felt like I was recovering from a 3-car pile up. My chest felt like it was going to explode, I couldn't cry but I wanted to badly. Everything in me hurt. I felt hated. First my dead brother hated me and told people he thought I was a sociopath; now this brother. With everything else going on in my life, I feel like I'm going over the edge.
