Alice Miller items which may be of interest to some

[James]

hey Ami....glad your finding some of that justified rage. It does help. It sets free your minds ability to distinguish between your feelings and hers. no longer the need to protect and cover up injustice as one loses fear of the parent by discovering our rage. IMO Miller's model for therapy does work.    James

[papillon]

Hi James,

Hi Papillon....thanks for the note. iIve had a crap day thought i had rid myself of a lot of baggage maybe i have and the next step is looming. I don't know at the moment I posted the sexual abuse thread thinking it might be a big step. It was but more like a hole. It released a tidal wave of emotions i wasn't prepared for. I wrote some of my story and posted . Some i doubt i will ever share. Maybe it isn't even important for my stay here. I had little emotion when writing just some of the facts. Been dealing with the other all day long too long. Interesting thing I thought my rage was spent. Fooled myself again.  Got a taste today of more and this is maybe bigger and deeper than the other.   PS... Changing my name has run thru my mind many times.... ..  James

I wasn't surprised you had a crap day. The pain you feel from these injuries is valid. And when you recount the other people's sh@#%x, well, hey. The pain that that has caused you, well that is a crap day in anyone's opinion.

I'm so glad you toughed it out though. High 5 for you!

It's understandable that it is so painful for you James.

Gosh. I'm so glad that you're still with us talking!!!!!!!!!!! That is so fantastic.

It's sad to read how you've mangled a few relationships. Unfortunately -----  'it's what we do'. You're talking to the expert here. I know.

That is, till we get better. Until then.......  mangling, unfortunately, comes with the territory. Thanks ma and pa!!!!! 

But it will change, for the better. Just stay in therapy and stay connected to your purpose........ which is to get all the poison out. As painful as that is.

That was one mother of a snake that bit you. High 5 again.

You're allowed to talk about the pain.

Surprised and relieved that you're still alive bro'.

Papillon

Quote from another great James,

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.
Pain is a feeling.
Your feelings are a part of you.
Your own reality.
If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Jim Morrison of 'The Doors'
 

[Ami]

. My only "map"  out of "emotional and mental illness(self diagnosed-lol) was the "truth". ,'You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE you free'". I am almost well. I am about 5 inches,under the "water".
 Every day, truths about myself and life "click" in,like long lost parts of the puzzle, which they are. Ann said my compass was  not lost,but stolen, as Papillion said on Steve's thread about possession.
 Ann told me that my M ,purposely, tried to keep me off balance.She tried to twist me around so much that I lost my center and compass. Then,I went in to the world ,lost.
 I see that my M did do it on purpose.However, on a larger level, it was part of her "sickness".
 I keep Alice Miller ,in  mind, and am facing MY rage.
 I saw today that she stole my "inner self" ,down to the simplest details. Today,I realized that I can impose order in my life. *I* can impose the "rules"(boundaries) as *I* see fit. I do have "power".
 My M stole my ability to protect myself, to set boundaries so I could be safe. I need them in order to live well. Now,I have to take them back.
 Thanks Papillion, for those new ideas.                                                       Warmly, Ami

[James]

Papillon....I'm not sure i really survived it. i guess the heavy dissociation i carry has been my protection but its frustrating in itself. The last two days have been very tough a whole Lot of  feelings. I seem to have two types. Either i'm in machine mode where i don't feel much of anything, at least consciously, or complete overwhelm. They both feel pretty lousy. I do want to run, its tough staying here. I've been running from my past all my life but unfortunately its always with me. I've had enough. It's really nothing of a life for me as long as i continue this way. The most intense feeling i'ved had so far occurred a little earlier. I felt this weird feeling in my throat and finally i just let it out and it said "help me" and it filled my mind and consciousness with the reality of my early child. A very dark place. There was never anyone to hear that. In fact when this feeling came i found a little insight where i knew that help me equaled hopelessness. I never asked anyone. It was always helping them. Anytime I needed anything my parents were totally disgusted so asking for help became a fearful thing in my mind. Just saying those words forced a small bit of my past into reality. very painfully.       James

[Ami]

(((((((((((James)))))))))))           BIG Hug,  Ami

[Ami]

I had a breakthrough ,which started with the Alice Miller thread, so I wanted to share it,here. I got in touch with my rage against my M. Ann, my counselor, helped,also.
 Then, I expressed it to my M.
 I realized that the 'bad"she put on me, had to go back on her. I realized that I had hated and negated myself for my whole life for being "bad". My best friend helped me to see what "bad" was, exactly. It was taking care of myself, being self protective and having my own power. That was it. That was "bad".
 So, I gave that back, symbolically, to my M by telling her that I was not "bad". SHE put all those lies on me and she was getting them back on her,now, where they belonged.
 Today, I realized that I don't have to have that deep self hatred anymore. I feel free!!!
  When  I am really stuck, SOMEONE  will come "out of the blue" and give me a special touch.
 It has been Iphi,who always wrote words of comfort on my moaning posts, Lise, who came out of the blue , when I was so lost, GS, who felt a special urge to help me with Scott, Kelly,who understood that your inner child just has to moan, sometimes,Bean, who is a buddy,and you,Papillion, who has been through deep,deep healing and has come to the other side.
                                     Thank you so much    Ami

[Ami]

I cannot tell you the rage I have against my H. I saw  what happened with Scott. I have been seeing pieces of the puzzle and then the puzzle came together.
 Ann showed me that my H was an N,just like my M. *I* fit in to the relationship b/c I had  no self, or very little. I "normalized' abnormal behavior b/c my M stole my compass. My Aunt still has her compass, so her life went on a more orderly course. She captained HER ship. When I ask her advice, her compass answers and so she can navigate situations.
  My M made sure that my compass had the needle "screwy', so I headed off in to nooks and crannies that no one with a good compass would have.
 I faced that my H is an N. I feel like I am in  "Rosemary's Baby", when she sees that ALL the people are in the coven. *I* was in the coven ,too, b/c I had no self. That was my entry .
 Now, I feel like I am getting a self. I am NOT bad.
 I am feeling the rage against my H. It is a blind rage that is making my whole body shake.
 I gave up ,on  life, and "gave" Scott over to my H.I stopped fighting to bring truth to the house,as I had before.
 Scott is safe,now. I see my H. I hate him so much that words fail me, BUT ,in the end,I know, that he was a victim, too. *I* was a victim, my M was and he was.
 For right now,I think I would murder him, if I did not have a locked room where I could hide .           Ami

[Overcomer]

Am-I prefer the word lament over moan!  It is on my favorite words list.  When I read your words I feel your rage!  I understand you because you have lived with a soul steeler too.  There women!  I wrote an essay which is VERY cathartic.  I want to make four hard copies of it and have my m and my dad and my aunt all read it.  I will be reading it as well.  Then after they all read it let the discussion begin.  Wonder if she would hate me more for speaking the truth?

[Ami]

Kelly. Wonder if they would hate you for speaking the truth????? Probably(LOL)                Ami

[Overcomer]

Not THEY.  Her!  Deny Deny Deny

[Ami]

They ARE clueless, Kelly. I am seeing that with my H. I may have given away my core, but at least I do have one  ,which CAN grow and learn. I have empathy, Thank God, as YOU do. The true N's don't.                  Ami

[Ami]

I had a really wonderful thing happen with my M . The Alice Miller thread was the catalyst.
 I told my M that the belief  that I was "bad" was HERS, not mine. I needed to give it back to her.
 She took it. I can't really believe it,but she did. She owned that she has always seen ME,as her sister,of whom she was very,very jealous. She used to call me 'Norma", her sister's name.
 She took out the rage for her sister on me. She owned that she had made me feel like I was "bad" when I was just 'human"
 I feel better. I know that she loves me. I feel a sense that I can love myself, after all this time and all this pain.
 I feel different inside.
                                                                  Ami

[James]

Wow Ami what a breakthru!!  James

[Ami]

Yeah, James. YOU are doing what I did. Just keep facing yourself as honestly as you can, using honesty as your beacon. The Bible promises  that the truth will set us free. I am finding that it is ,indeed, true.
  God wlll bring you special people on the board and in real  life ,to help. I call them "angels" . I have had many .
  Lying is what killed Scott and will hurt all of us. Truth burns away the lies and sets us free.     Love and a Big Hug,    Ami