one of the worst days

[Gaining Strength]

my NM told me he felt I had been telling him what to do, that's why he has cut off contact.

That's hard to understand isn't it.  What a bizarre way to respond to someone who is tell him what to do.  I can think of a million other responces.

It points to the fact that there is clearly so much more going on and it could easily have much more to do with your mother than with you.  It is also very possible that he has NO idea why he is acting that way.  I know that I was filled with resentment over so many things about how I was treated by my family and I finally got to the point that I did things that seemed irrational to them and sometimes I took out my frustration and rage against a substitute person because the consequences would not be as bad.

I suspect his behavior towards you has little to do with you and yet you are receiving the real pain from it.

[towrite]

No more! I decided I didn't need to hurt myself any longer by continuing to try with him. That decision has brought me some peace. I have too much else on my plate to worry about his juvenile behavior and all the things I can imagine I might have done wrong. This is his choice. Let it be.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Kate,

I've been thinking alot about my brother lately - my only sibling - and almost sent him a card this past Christmas... almost. Got so far as addressing the envelope, and then let it lie.
Just feels like he and I have nothing in common except for our parents - and that's no basis for a relationship.
So I felt that sending a card now, after several years of silence, would be silly... like going through motions.
The fact is, he's so N'ish that I can't imagine ever trying to sit down and have a discussion with him.
A couple years ago, I heard through one of my grown daughters who lives in his state that "Uncle __ would like to hear from you."   
My reaction was, "Oh, really?!?  He knows where I am."
Maybe that was his way of relieving his own conscience about the lack of communication? 
Then, last year, we traveled to his state to visit my oldest daughter in hospital. I didn't inform him of our visit, but I'm sure someone in the family let him know. I had no desire to make a connection then... and so it didn't happen. No doubt in my mind that he thinks it was up to me to contact him and that I am responsible for not doing so. Maybe he's right.
But either way - just seems that at some point, we need to become very very choosy about letting people into our space.
Almost 50 years of his past patterns have proven to me that he's someone I want to, at very least, keep at great distance.

I guess he contacts my oldest girls, when he feels like it... so he has his own ideas about what sorts of relationships are desireable and acceptable to him. But he never sent them any greeting while they still lived at home. It's so weird... almost like he's taken a sort of "ex-husband" role with me, if you know what I mean...  and why in the world that would be, is beyond me!

Anyhow, this is just some rambling talk, but I feel like... do I really want to spend any more time wondering about what might be going through the mind of these self-obsessed people? I cannot imagine a more fruitless and frustrating exercise. After dealing with so many people with whom it is totally dangerous to give them the benefit of the doubt, it sure doesn't seem wise. So I can relate... and I'm sorry your brother's nonsense has hurt you... and I hope that we both can come to some peace about these people.

With love,
Carolyn