Shame

[Ami]

 Lately, I have been reliving that horrible feeling of shame. I  had to throw off my  identity and stand emotionally naked, in the hopes that my  abuser would let me  "survive'(emotionally) I had to  throw away most of what  I "knew" as me,in order to denude myself enough so I could be "safe".
To throw off yourself is one of the worst things that can happen to a child(IMO)
 Then, you cannot "hold " your own identity.
 At that point, you are set up to take your sense of self from the outside(codepencency, addictions etc).
 I,also, realized  that a way  to set me up for  shame  was perfectionism.
 I am  realizing that my "need" to be perfect  put me in a loop of shame.
 I COULD be shamed b/c I could not do things perfectly.  I see that I have to be  "imperfect".
 That will be an antidote to shame, the ability to be flawed , to own it and be at peace  with it.
 My goal ,now, is to define my "shame" for myself. not let s/one ,on the outside do it. I need to define how I let shame in ,or keep ot out.
 I can't give that "job" to the outside or I will be in a prison of needing others to define me, again and again.       Ami

[Violet]

Dear Ame
Sorry for your shame,
I know this is lame
but doin' it just the same....

(((((((Ami)))))))

Violet

[dandylife]

Ami,
You know, you are throwing out these really profound statements, one after the other.

I hear you saying that you gave up all that you thought you believed about yourself and created a mask to show to your abusers, which "became you".

That you was a perfectionist, because you didn't want to be criticized or held accountable for the made up beliefs you showed the world.

Because you came to believe that acceptance and validation could come only from your abusers, you took to self-medicating with whatever you could find.

Now you realize that you can define yourself - and whether or not "shame" should apply to you.


I was thinking about shame and the feeling associated with it. For me, it was THAT I allowed someone to overtake my "self" and install themself as the deity that told me what to think/do/believe/how to act to make them happy. I still feel the need to therapize that out..... I can think back to before I met my husband/N and there were so many instances I rebelled and stood up for myself. Then I lost myself for about 17 years.  I do identify with all that you said. Now's the time to reclaim, restake and name how our future's going to be....

Dandylife

[Violet]

I was thinking about shame and the feeling associated with it. For me, it was THAT I allowed someone to overtake my "self" and install themself as the deity that told me what to think/do/believe/how to act to make them happy.
Dandylife

Holy cR@?, Dandylife, I think you just made a light bulb go off inside of my head....
Violet

[Ami]

Dear Dandy,
 I am so glad my thread resonated with you. I have been having profound ,new awarenessness but did not know if I was making myself clear.
 I see that WE must be the "owner" of our shame or else we ASK everyone else to "medicate' it for us by seeking approval, being nice, etc(many different behaviors as a way to get others to tell us we are OK, so we can push down out shame.)
 However,it never stays down for long, so we need to keep repeating the cycle.
We are never free when our shame is in "outside" hands.That is what I am seeing from doing it for SO long and suffering so badly.
 Thank you, Violet, for your hug. I send one right back to you-----(((((((((Violet)))))))))with get well wishes ,attached!
  Thanks again ,Dandy, for helping me define the problem and solution, better.      Love    Ami

[Ami]

I made a big stride when I started seeing how shame worked in my life. My best friend helped  me  awaken to  how my M put me in a shame loop. I "had" to be perfect and could not do it, so I was worthless(bad) This played out in all areas of my life. I was a failure in all of them.
 My M yin--yanged me from the top(perfect housekeeper( a joke?)look perfect,have a perfect "social life",have perfect mental health(another joke-lol) etc. THEN, when I failed,I was a snail on the ground, stepped on.
I was worthy of being decimated  b/c I was such an embarrassment, shame and horror to HER.  I should be locked in my room so as not to bring any more pain and shame down on her.
 When I was younger, I see how much of a no-win situation I was in. If I got good grades, I was a failure b/c I studied for them and I should be SO smart that I didn't NEED to study. I should look good,but spend no time on it.
 I had to do everything perfectly , effortlessly------bleh.
  My M has been in my head since my teens. I was able to keep her out of my head,to some degree, before my teens. I saw HER as the problem, not me. As long as I did ,I kept my sanity. However, when I stopped doing that and saw her as wise and me as the problem---all hell broke loose inside me and I went down and have been there ,until now, when I am swimming up(facing reality)
 Papillions posts have helped very much. I see Papillion as swimming up from lies and distortions(parents POV) and embracing his own unique identity. It is an inspiration to me, and much needed,now, when I am almost to the top.
                                                                                                                                          Ami

[Violet]

I was worthy of being decimated  b/c I was such an embarrassment, shame and horror to HER.  I should be locked in my room so as not to bring any more pain and shame down on her.
 When I was younger, I see how much of a no-win situation I was in.

  My M has been in my head since my teens.
                                                                                                                                          Ami

I have been wondering  why some of us became the "scapegoat" and other siblings the "golden child."  I think personally, I discerned and despised from a very early age (preschool) the LIES and SHAM foisted on me by my Nparent.  I wonder if being able to "see through" these parent/deceivers started the cycle of "child rejects parent" ---->  "parent fears and rejects child" or some such dynamic. IOW, did our integrity, even as children, deeply threaten our lie-infested parent, causing them to fear us, then hate us, then reject us?  V

[Ami]

Dear Violet,
  I think the N parent HAD to destroy our integrity  b/c our integrity  gave us a power, a center, which,if it was strong enough ,could SEE them. They did not want us to have ANY power to see the truth, which is that they were small and cowardly, like the Wizard of Oz.
 Storm, who used to be on the board, would say that the abuser has to denude the victim's trust in herself. The victim must be a wasteland, and in that way  is ripe for abuse.
 I think you brought up an important point, Violet, although it is VERY sad to contemplate.
                        Love ,  Ami
 

[ann3]

Because you came to believe that acceptance and validation could come only from your abusers

Dandy,
For me, this is a key statement because, I think for many of us, we sought (and still seek) validation from other people and that can destroy us.  I have learned that I cannot seek my validation from another person or any person, other than myself.  So, that's the lesson:  We can only validate ourselves.  If we seek validation from another person (a parent, spouse, whoever), we give them power over us, we give away our power and in doing so, we give away our identity and our core.

So, perhaps my biggest lesson has been not to seek validation from another person, so that I do not give away my power.  IMO, I think if we can understand this lesson and live it, many related issues resolve themselves.  For example, if we only seek validation from ourselves, we feel less (perhaps no) shame and our self esteem increases because we are accepting ourselves.

So, self validation can lead to accepting ourselves, and in turn, this reduces our feelings of shame, increases our self esteem and ........drum roll please...........leads to self love??!!??.

Thanks Dandy, Ami & Violet, you really got me thinking about all this.

[Ami]

Ann, I say this to ALL your posts---You have so much insight that it is mind blowing(lol). I am so glad you are here.
  Could you elaborate on HOW you saw the insight you just described?                Ami

[ann3]

Thank you so much Ami.

I'm also pretty amazed at my conclusion/discovery abut the power of self validation.

Here's how I see it:  Dandy read your post and she commented that your statements showed that you came to believe that acceptance and validation could come only from your abusers.  As I see it, many of us on this board suffer because we felt (and may feel) that we must get acceptaance from our abusers, that we can only get acceptance from our abusers.  When we only seek acceptance (which I call "validation") from our abusers (or from another person, whther or not that person is an abuser), we leave ourselves out of the equation because WE HAVE NO SELF. 

Since we only sought acceptance/validation from the abuser AND THE ABUSER DESTROYED OUR "SELF" (because the abuser sought to control us and could only control us if he/she destroyrd our "self), we have no "self".  It's like we look in the mirror, but we don't see our own reflection, but instead we see the reflection, the image of the abuser- it's like those negative tapes in our heads which are the voices of the abuser.  When we look at ourselves, we don't see/hear ourselves, instead, we see/hear the image/voice of the abuser.  This happens because we sought acceptance/validation from the abuser, but we did not seek acceptance/validation from OURSELVES.

As mentioined, one of the most important lessons I've learned is not to seek acceptance/validation from another person (whether or not they are an abuser).  I MUST ONLY SEEK VALIDATION FROM ME, MYSELF. 

Now, once I am in the mindset of only seeking validation from myself, I affirm myself and I feel less shame because I no longer blindly accept the JUDGMENTS of other people (whrther or not they are an abuser).  When you seek validation from other people, you blindly accept THEIR JUDGEMENTS ABOUT YOU and this can make you feel flooded with shame. 

So, when I feel less shame, I feel a greater self esteem and when my shame DECREASES, my self esteem and self love INCREASES.

I got to run and take a phone call.

HTH

[Ami]

You rock, Ann!!!!                            Ami

[ann3]

Thank you, Ami, you rock too.

But truthfully, does this resonate with you, or am I spewing gobbalty gook?

[Ami]

I am serious! Your posts( this one included) are like an angel came down and gave me exactly what I needed. I will comment,more later, when I have time to think about the content of your last post  more.
 Ann, you really understand so many things that I am currently trying to access. I really appreciate your being  on the board.You have  wisdom and insight,  Ann.
               Love   Ami

[ann3]

Thank you, Ami.

My question was not a way to seek your validation, I just wondered if it truly resonated with you.

You all helped me put this together: 

Not seeking validation from others and only seeking validation from ourselves
leads to
Greater self esteem, which
leads to
Less shame, which
leads to
accepting ourselves (self acceptance), which
leads to
loving ourselves (self love)

Love,
annie