Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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tigerlily:
Hello
Last year I finally saw information of narcissistic parents and what they can do to children and I was so relieved, as you all were, to see that it wasn't me that had caused all the problems. I grew up thinking I was not to be valued by anyone, including myself, and that everyone else but me had rights that I had to cater to. I was an extremely introverted chld who felt that everyone else came first. All of this came about because of a mother who had to be the most important one in the family. I was simply an accessory to her and a scapegoat for everything wrong in her life. I could do nothing right, make any decisions of my own, or have feelings of my own (unless they coincided with hers) . She was insanely jealous of any attention my father gave me, so she drove a wedge between us so that we couldn't be close. When she wasn't around, he and I would get along famously, but when she was, he would retreat emotionally because it was just easier to back off than to incur her wrath and manipulations. I realized, after growing up, that she did this with as many relatives as she could too- I always wondered why they were a bit remote with me. I grew up and married another N, but eventually wised up and left him. The point I am trying to make now is that, even though I have a lot more insight into why I felt so badly about myself all these years, I still am having trouble trying to rectify it. I recently asked my doctor to put me on Paxil, which she did, and it has helped me tremendously. I no longer eat compulsively when I am stressed out, and I have lost over 40 lbs. I used to cry over everything (I could sob over a touching dog food commercial, for God's sake) every day. I now am able to respond normally to situations. I even went to a wedding recently and didn't cry- I used to blubber through the whole ceremony like an idiot. But I still have a long way to go. I don't know how to work through my feelings of self loathing left over from years of emotional and physical abuse from my mother. Intellectually I know about the wonderful thingsyou guys talk about, but emotionally I still mentally flog myself over anything that goes wrong or that I haven't handled properly. I feel like I am at a standstill. I can't afford to see a therapist. I tried that some years back, but she really wasn't what I needed. I am now married to a very nice man who supports me, and I have 3 wonderful grown sons. So I have family support. But I still can't seem to give myself support.
Anonymous:
Hi Tigerlily,
Welcome!
I come here to have a place where people understand me. It is comforting know there are so many of us that have had similar experiences and to find it is not us that are the sick ones! I find healing here. I see an counselor, but not as much as I should. This seems to be a nice outlet. There are so many enlightened folks here.
I too feel I can't give myself support. Maybe because the voices are still in my head telling me it really is me, and the N parents are always right. Don't really know, but I know I look forward to reading each day and venting if needed.
So happy to have you join us!
Ellie
tigerlily:
Thank you, Ellie. I know that when I can't forgive myself, give myself support, or believe when someone says something nice about me, it's my mother's old tapes in my head responding. It's so unconscious that I don't even realize it at the time, then, when I think about it, I see where it is coming from. The other day a friend of mine gave me such a nice compliment, telling me that I have helped her so much (another child of an Nparent, unfortunately) and that I was such a good person. I was so quick to step in and say that I wasn't such a good person- I was thinking that she couldn't really know me, or she wouldn't say such a thing.
I am in a situation now where I still have to deal with my mother because she is in a nursing home, and I am the only one she has. She lived with me for two years, and it just about did me in. I thought I had gotten over all of her influence, but then she moved in and started pushing all those old buttons again, and I felt like I was a kid again. Now she is 88 and still clear as a bell mentally, and I still have to deal with her. It is better now because I don't have a steady diet of her and I can leave the situation when I need to, but the residual damage still surfaces in my head.
How does one overcome all that stuff and start being kinder to oneself?
Barbie:
Dear tigerlily, welcome to the board.
I'm the eldest of four daughters. We are 54, 52, 49, 48 and the baby 42. I do believe my mother ruined every one of us emotionally and physically. I don't want to hate her but there are times when I do and I know this isn't good for my mental health.
I've been taking paxil for four years now and to me, it's a godsend. I was very afraid when my psychiatrist first prescribed it. So scared that I prayed about it for days and finally left it in God's hands. Well, I did take it and it took a month to work but once it did, I felt 100% better. It wasn't that I was on a constant happy trip because I still have all my emotions, like crying and feeling sad, but I am no longer irritable for no reason or panicking and feeling like I want to run away.
Please know that you are a beautiful child of God and that he loves you no matter what. You could be the ax murderer of the century and your Father will still love you.
Again, welcome to the board. Since I'm kinda new too, I'm still reading.
Anonymous:
Hi Tigerlily & other newbies,
Welcome to the board!
From what you have written about your current family situation, you have made some significant progress towards health! You deserve several pats on the back for that.
I know what you mean about the self-support. I'm still working on that and the process is different for everyone of course. This board helps me tremendously. I can't believe how long I've been hanging around :wink: . But it is so validating.
One thing that is recommended over and over again is journaling. Good old private journaling. Not keeping a grocery list diary of day-to-day events, but of tracking your feelings about those events. It helps to purge the build up of gunk. A nice gentle approach to healing and improving your self talk can be found in Julia Cameron’s An Artist’s Way. I find that doing any kind of artwork or craft is like meditation for me, only busier. I love it. (You don’t have to be an artist to benefit from this book. I really like the author’s tone and she has been in the depths of negativity and found a way to climb out.)
I also read somewhere recently where an artist said when she was raising her family, she thought of her artwork as another child that needed her time and attention. The real kids would get her time but this was something she had to care for too. I think it helps a lot of us women who are trained to nurture others to think of our needs in terms of a third party so we don’t beat ourselves up with guilt or thoughts of selfishness when we do take care of ourselves. My H sometimes feels abandoned when I do these things but he is learning that I need to have this time and that it won’t result in him being ignored or pushed away.
As for your mom, what helps me is I continue to read about this stuff and learn that all the vile poison that comes out of an Ns mouth belongs to them. They really are talking about themselves and throwing up all the bad stuff onto nearby targets to purge themselves. The more you remember this, the less likely any of it will “stick” to you in the future. During a recent hospital visit, I would picture the words out of my Ns mouth as falling on the floor making a mess I didn’t have to clean up. Having said that, I am still working on deprogramming the stuff that did stick before I was aware of what was really going on when I was a child.
I hope this helps in some way. Be gentle with yourself and think of yourself as a newfound friend. You wouldn’t think badly of her, now would you? Take care, Seeker
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