Our Core

[Ami]

As I heal, healing gets simpler. I have to excavate all the junk until I find my 'core". It was there before I had to lie and make myself "small," so my M wouldn't hurt me.
 Yesterday,I heard it speaking to me. It speaks very simply and "intuitively",but is always there.
The book, "The Gift of Fear" says that man is the only 'animal" who will not listen to his gut. All other animals will run from danger,but man can rationalize his way IN to danger.
 Along with the lesson of trusting my core is the lesson of being "alone", an  "unwanted" lesson(lol).  I think that so many human activities are trying to run  from the fact that we ARE alone, as human beings.
 I used to be able to embrace this lesson ,better, when I was younger and did not have the mountain of distortions that seemed to pile on, as the years went by.
 I don't know if that is everyone's experience,but once I swallowed the first lie(My M was FINE), the rest grew and grew until I lived underwater.
 Embracing the lesson of  aloneness will be a freedom, as well as an "Ouch". I am in the "ouch" stage ,now.
 As I regain my emotional health, I am able to  embrace  these deep truths about life, which I was blind to.  I used to have a recurrent dream(since childhood) that I couldn't see. I was  driving, walking down a crooked road etc and  I couldn't see. I was  ashamed to tell anyone
 Now that  I do see  the truths in life more clearly, the dream has stopped.
 What is your life worth if you do not have and embrace yourself?                        Ami
 
 
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
 I have been finding my core because  people loved me. That was  the ingredient that allowed me to find it.               Ami

[Ami]

I think the big lesson I am learning,now is the one about being 'alone". I think of all the ways that I tried to make the outside validate me--- people, things, achievements. It was all a lie that it would fill the inside.
        Ami

[James]

Hi Ami....reading what you wrote here and keeping in mind the recent loss of your son and how extraordinarly painful that must be. Do you think your feeling of being alone might be tied up in not being able to feel grief for your loss right now. At least not in the intensity in which it truly exists? a partial denial and suppression maybe? Not feeling and painful feelings taking another form can be indicative of estrangement from the true self especially when it's overwhelmed and experiencing traumatic pain.  Example... activites, quest for power, cruelty, the list is endless all mask and protect the individual from the deepest terrors/pain of childhood until they are felt consciously. Pain then has a chance to process and we have one less block keeping us from our true selves...our real feelings. In myself i've noticed sometimes i don't realize what happened and a sense of being alone emerges as out of self preservation when I deny pain.  It can be a real asset at times but i can see how it might show up in the feeling of "being alone" as you've written here.. it would only be natural if this occured.      a big hug from me right now James

[Ami]

Oh James
 That hug was so sweet. Thank you. You have given me some thoughts to ponder.                   A Hug Right back to you,  Ami