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Dad came to speak for Nmom

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Anonymous:
Hi  bunny, les, Lizbeth, and Nic!
Your  perspectives are valuable to me and your words are encouraging. You were all helpful.

bunny - Thanks for sharing about your dad. It was helpful. It is nightmarish for my dad to be so blind. :shock:

les - Thanks very much for your observations! Also, if I ever get in the position of care taking my parents I can refer to your advise. Thanks for being there. :)

Lizbeth - Your words did my heart good. Nice to meet you!

Nic - Nice to meet you too. It looks like our parents use the same play book. Kind of eerie. Maybe we are distant relatives.  :)  It sounds like you've got them figured out and are on top of things. Thanks for your perspective and support.

I'm fried... My daughter's calm we'd been cultivating for her healing was disrupted by my dad's visit. She is so reactive to the stress they cause. We try to shield her from them but it is hard when someone is banging on the house. I guess basically I'm through with my mom for the sake of my children and my own sanity... what's left of it.  :?  If my dad continues being my mom's mouthpiece, he won't be welcome here at our house.  My son doesn't respect his grandfather anymore because grandpa doesn't believe us about grandma. It should be obvious to grandpa what she is... but as Nic says

--- Quote ---They have an agreement, a private world of their own, a very fusional relationship which you cannot change, they are joined together, albeit dysfunctionally, at the hip. You will always be the child..you will most likely never have complete personhood with your parents.

--- End quote ---
 Well said Nic!         And thanks the rest of you for your words that help bring clarity:

and as bunny says:

--- Quote ---He's pretty weak in the mental department (and yes I think he is brainwashed). You did your best and you can be content with that effort.  There's going to be no change in these people whatsoever.
--- End quote ---


and

  as Lizbeth says:
--- Quote ---at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you did what you could.

--- End quote ---


and as les says
--- Quote ---It is, I believe, completely beyond an N to do this - to admit wrong doing.
--- End quote ---

Michelle:

--- Quote ---Getting past things is defined as me stopping the standoff between my mom and I.
--- End quote ---


Flower - what a huge accomplishment already that you know that tidbit of knowledge!  Good for you!

I agree with Bunny though - that is really freaky that he just sat outside and waited for you to open up!   :shock:

It's really sad that he can't fully see your side.  But like Les said, he is pretty much stuck with her - listening to her groan and complain all day every day.  She has him trained to be the way she wants him to be and he is just in survival mode.  That doesn't excuse his actions, but it certainly does help you to understand them a little more, eh?  


--- Quote ---The last time my dad hugged me was when I was a toddler I guess because I never remember him giving me a hug the whole time I was growing up.
--- End quote ---


I'm so sorry and saddened to hear that Flower.   :cry: I hope you are filling your hug quota through your friends and immediate family!

My counselor told me something once that I think applies here.  Healthy people are not usually attracted to unhealthy people.  I don't know your dad, but maybe he had a few of his own issues left unresolved even before he met your mom?????  Maybe some of his needs are met by her, in a weird kinda way???  Just thinking out loud.

Lots of hugs and support for you.  Sorry this post is late - I've been wandering in and out this summer, staying busy with the kiddos.  

Big hugs to you,
Michelle

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