letting my NM off the hook.

[towrite]

I finally told my NM the other night that I was moving in with a friend (whom she doesn't like). I knew there was no hope of her offering any financial help, but I didn't want her to hear it from any one else. Her reaction surprised me; she didn't get hysterical and moan about how I was always embarrassing her, as I expected. She just said something like "Good luck" and hung up.

Then last night I called her to ask her a question. We chatted about stuff like movies for a few minutes. When we were ready to hang up, she said, in a very cheery voice: "And thank you so much for calling!"

What's up with that?

I know in some part of me that I let her get away with one more instance of abuse - withholding help IS a form of abuse. But I did it. Don't know why except that it was for me and not for her.

[gratitude28]

Towrite,
She can't get away with abuse if you don't take it to heart. Then it is just empty, ridiculous words (and, may I say, this is easier said than done).
She is trying to needle you. My NM acts EXACTLT this way. I am not sure what their plan is. I am not sure how the manipulation path forms.
For some reason, she didn't feel the dramatics would get anywhere, so she is trying something else.
The only thing you can do? Do not take her calls. Ignore her. If you must talk to her, be light and breezy. If she says, "Thank you for calling," answer with, "It's my pleasure, as always."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((tOWRITE))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Gabben]

Hi towrite,

There was a familiar ring to your conversation/story I could relate with. It sounds like control on her part but I could be reading my own NM into your situation.

For some reason, she didn't feel the dramatics would get anywhere, so she is trying something else.

Beth said the above which I agree with.

Nmom's change up strategies all the time.

The bottom line is how you are feeling. She leaves you feeling invalidated, unapproved, underminded, belittled, correct?

Lately, I have been reflecting on how much of my self I had to give up out of fear of abandonment by my N mom and not just physical abandonment I was so hungry for love and approval that I would eat week old leftover scraps under the table.

(((((towrite))))

Gab

[gratitude28]

And Lise and towrite,
She was so good at making me feel bad, that if she wasn't making me feel bad/guilty I would fill in the feelings myself. Just like those pictures where they leave out one line, and your mind fills it in...

[Gabben]

Just like those pictures where they leave out one line, and your mind fills it in...

I wonder if this why we are so susceptible to mindreading behavior....I mean we have never had any security in knowing what is REALLY going on with our Nmom's -- it is the crazy making stuff of having to guess when all we need so badly is to just be acknowledged, respected and valued.

[gratitude28]

Yes, I think so Lise. I feel that I have punished myself my whole life. More than being punished constantly by them, I think it has to do with what others have said here - the constant bounday shifts made it impossible to know what was right or wrong. So, since we never knew if we were doing the right thing - and even got in trouble when we were doing what we had learned before to do - we began to just go ahead and "assume the position."

[Certain Hope]

Kate,

Maybe her cheeriness is just another case of N's expressing just exactly the opposite of what they actually think...?

Since a genuine feeling seems to have the same effect on N as a bucket of water on the wicked witch, she has to fake the reverse of what she's really thinking... yikes. I used to get similar reactions (I think their called "idiosyncratic") from mother and Npd-ex.

Glad you have some good plans in the works!!
Congratulations 

Carolyn

[Hopalong]

So concisely put, Beth!
I think you're a writer...

since we never knew if we were doing the right thing - and even got in trouble when we were doing what we had learned before to do - we began to just go ahead and "assume the position."

hugs
Hops

[towrite]

I think her cheeriness was genuine relief that I was not angry with her for not offering any help - she felt guilt (she could not express it) and assumed I would be angry. I wasn't, but she didn't know that. Talked to her again last night and - with my sitch right in front of her - all she wanted to talk about was how she was "worried about money". Says she has to pay all kinds of taxes, etc. That was so N'ish! Her troubles always supercede those of others, even her own children.

[Certain Hope]

That was so N'ish! Her troubles always supercede those of others, even her own children.

Yup.

If I were lying here on my death bed, my mother would be whining about how much work she had to do to prepare for the trip to visit, how exhausted she is, how very difficult all of this is on her, and how much she's been through, like no one else in all of humanity has ever experienced, etc, etc,     Then she'd buy herself a dandy treat and look for someone else for whom to show it off.

Disgusting.