Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Avoidance
Anonymous:
I'd like to thank Bunny and you all for some very positive information. I'd also like to add a few important things that I've drawn conclusions on.
This girl finds it almost impossible to control her emotional outburst. So much so, it very quickly moves past the stage of tears and into ranting and raging! It's almost as if i'm watching an engine generator splutter slowly into action and then immediately run smoothly (ranting and raging). There is a near total inability to reason or rationalise. The slightest remark is turned twisted and blown into something it's not! Her behaviour is pretty much immune to the presence of passers-by and friends alike. She is near incapable of controlling or moderating herself until she's peaked. Then she slowly simpers to herself whilst I remain near silent.
Looking back and after an event, her view is that I should cuddle and kiss her. Whilst I fully appreciate this, I respond by telling her that it's near damned impossible to embrace 'The Exorcist', let alone have feelings of love for her. It's a circle; a circle that goes nowhere! I can rationalise with her after the event has passed and they can be as much as two or three times a day. She is sympathetic and very sorry, but only I think because she fears me leaving her. It's the ultimate relationship game of 'come here, go away!'
So I dis-engage and walk away. I'm overwhelmed and in need of some RnR. She sees this as abandoning her, so she becomes even more intense to the point of sucide threats! Now I really mean this. She phones me up ranting and raving and I can hear her popping the foil of her pills in the background. I've got three choices: text or phone her 20 year old daughter, inform her and ask her to keep and eye on her mother, phone the cops if I can't achieve that, do nothing or go round! If I go round, I know that I'm rewarding her bad behaviour. But what if I do nothing and........! This is the conundrum, my conundrum.
I can also say that she is a smart young lady (38). She's very clever at not committing to text her threats, always by voice only. She is also blind to her selfishness; not only in this, but many other things. She moans constantly about her childred, all of which are over sixteen. On the 21st birthday of her eldest boy, she was whiping the floor with him over minor issues. So much so that she retired to her bedroom around midday and failed to do anything for him on this day. She has a very stilted way of not only looking at things, but in remembering them! Her children are "Useless lazy bast..ds" on the one hand, but if I agree with her, then my children are much better than hers and I'm "talking down to her". It really is an experience to behold........classic!
I know that I've made a rode for my own back, I know that I'm partly to blame for this. I'm stuck between a 'rock and a hard place' that I must walk away from. I've tried to 'wean' her off.......but she's very determined. I've broken off the relationship even recently.......but then she actually stalks me! I know women suffer from this, but I hadn't really thought that men did too! This really is becoming a 'Play Misty' and 'Fatal Attraction' type situation rolled into one!
So I do know the answer, it's just the consequences of it. I walk finally, she gets over it. I walk finally and in desperation, she accidently kills herself! I've always been crap at poker!!!!
Dawning:
Guest above:
Is that you, Onyx?
In reply to the above post:
This woman's behaviour sounds a lot like my N mother's.
I feel for you.
--- Quote ---She's very clever at not committing to text her threats, always by voice only. She is also blind to her selfishness; not only in this, but many other things. She moans constantly about her childred, all of which are over sixteen. On the 21st birthday of her eldest boy, she was whiping the floor with him over minor issues. So much so that she retired to her bedroom around midday and failed to do anything for him on this day.
--- End quote ---
I feel for him too.
This woman needs attention. And she will go to great lengths to get it because she feels she has to. She is desperate. She needs help. But these N's are not stupid. If she doesn't get it from you, she'll get her supply elsewhere. I hope her son and other children make it through her NPD and don't have too much trouble themselves though I believe they will on some level as you still do in dealing with her NPD.
I wonder how close you are to her children. They are probably just as hurt and perplexed and utterly confused as you are.
You are not responsible for her feelings. It sounds as though you've done your best. If she can't see that, it is her problem. At some point, she has to take responsibility for her actions.
Anonymous:
Onyx:
People with this disorder classically feel abandoned and threaten/attempt suicide. That's how it is and it's got nothing to do with you. You will get nowhere trying to prevent her suicide attempts. In fact, you're enabling her by giving her attention and showing how anxious you are. This is exactly how she keeps you in her life. She isn't doing this out of malice, it's how the disorder works. Neither you nor she is going to end the disorder. You can only save yourself by ending this and let her deal with it professionally.
BPDs can absolutely become stalkers. Your job is to make sure she understands that you are in a "no contact" that is non-negotiable. Her suicide threats will get this response: you will call the police or her psychiatrist and that's it. If you veer from this boundary AT ALL, she will see you as capitulating 100% and back in a relationship. Of course she will try to get you to break the no-contact. That goes without saying. You have to stick to it.
You can get excellent info on borderlines at www.bpdresources.com
bunny
Anonymous:
I went to the bpd resources website and found this. It seems made for you, Onyx. It's an Australian site:
http://www.mjtacc.com/frelationship.shtml
Anonymous:
That was me, bunny, above.
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