Working up the courage..

[Betelgeuse]

...to introduce myself.

I'm Betelgeuse. I'd like to write my story on the other board but I don't have the courage just yet. My hold on life is a bit shaky - don't mean to say I'm suicidal! - but I seem to be a construct over an abyss, or a perennial tightrope walker. An ageing tightrope walker..

As I advance through my forties my coping skills are wearing down. I realize they're not appropriate, I've had lots of therapy, but I'm in somewhat of a crisis now, after yet another difficult relationship.

My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.

You see, I could write pages and pages about what I've come to understand about my family, but all my insights don't seem to have improved my living skills.

I've lived in hypervigilant mode all my life, I can't turn the adrenalin off and it's burning me up. Being around people, even good friends, tires me and I need a lot of time to recharge.

Maybe communicating here will help me, since there's both distance and understanding. You're such friendly and warm people..

I hope I fit in. I've been reading through threads so as to get to know you and your stories, but I might make some mistakes at first.

OK, I've done it. My first post...

[Ami]

Dear Beleguese,
 I felt a joy at seeing your post b/c I think the board will be just what you need. I knew everything in the head, too and was dying. The head does not help much,if you don't have the heart.
  You will soon find that you are not alone. That is a big part of the battle ,in itself.
  I hope that you keep sharing!                  Love   Ami

[Betelgeuse]

Phoenix and Ami, thank you so much for your kind words!

[Leah]

My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.

Maybe communicating here will help me, since there's both distance and understanding. You're such friendly and warm people..

I hope I fit in. I've been reading through threads so as to get to know you and your stories, but I might make some mistakes at first.

Warm welcome, Betelgeuse

So glad you braved your first post, of many, I hope.

I too, resonate with your post.

Leah x

[Betelgeuse]

Thank you Lollie and Leah, I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

Bee

[debkor]

Hey Betel,

Welcome to the board. 

Love
Deb

[Leah]

(((( Besee ))))   (((( Bee ))))

[Betelgeuse]

Hello Deb, hello Besee,

Isn't honey one of the fundamentals (next to beer, Izzy)?

I'm trying to Beeeee..

Love

[Iphi]

Hi and welcome Betelgeuse!

[Certain Hope]

I've lived in hypervigilant mode all my life, I can't turn the adrenalin off and it's burning me up. Being around people, even good friends, tires me and I need a lot of time to recharge.

I can relate to this, too.  As much as I enjoy being around people, especially immediate family, there's still that craving for alone-time, just to absorb the peace and quiet and gather fresh resources.

Welcome, Bee!

Carolyn

[finding peace]

Dear Betelgeuse,

Saw the hugs on another thread – thank you so much!!!

(((((Welcome and sending some hugs back)))))

Glad you are here!

Peace

[debkor]

Hey FP,

Hello!! It's good to read you too.

Sorry about the other thread (Dandys).  I sometimes lose track of what I was looking at last. I didn't mean to be rude.  It's good to see you.

Love
Deb

 

[James]

Hi Betelgeuse......we've spoken before but i thought i would just stop by and give you my official welcome....WELCOME   James

[finding peace]

Hey Deb -

No worries - I can't keep up with the posts these days.

(I was surprised when you mentioned rude - I have never thought of you as rude - rather, from your posts, I perceive you as very wise and very balanced.)

Peace

(Sorry for the hijack Bee - I hope you are doing ok!  Thanks again for the hugs!!)

[SilverLining]

My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.

Hi Betelgeuse.  As several have already mentioned, it certainly looks familiar.  The parents figure out how to make things appear conventional, but the underlying and more subtle currents are dysfunctional.  Writing it out and finding others who have had similar experience makes a big difference.   In my case my father displays strong covert narcissistic tendencies and my mother somewhat milder but N-ish behaviors.  They put on a "good show" in terms of the basic material requirements of parenting, but at an emotional level I believe the roles were reversed.  In my 40's I started seeing how the process worked.