(First - Sorry this is so long. It's my First post here.)
I was happy that I found this website, but then after reading the Intro/Info I’m not sure this is where I need to be. I’m not quite sure I understand this “philosophy”. This first part by Dr. Grossman sounds like something that would be benificial for me ---
"My main task is not to 'fix' you, but to 'find' you: the 'you' that existed before the pain of life, especially unfulfilled relationships with family and significant others, forced you to put up barriers, to limit people’s access, or to choose people who could make little or no contact. I am here to rediscover your unique, original self, to understand the compromises made to protect this self for the sake of emotional survival, and to encourage relationships where these compromises are no longer necessary…. Voicelessness leaves people in a bind--they desperately need to find their place in the world, yet their experience with significant others has taught them this is impossible.”
And then the first sentence of the second part really got my attention --
“ Why do the four questions emerge after trauma or loss? “
I did go thru a tramatic series of losses in 1996.
My little brother committed suicide in Dec. 1995. We were very close. My Mom died 6 months later (June 1996). And then 2-1/2 months after Mom died, my Dad committed suicide (Aug.1996). This all put me a very bad depression. I don't remember most of what happened for about 2 years afterward.
All together I lost 19 people & pets whom I loved in about a 5 year period -
Soon after the deaths in my family, the Man whom I had been with for 10 years started acting differently towards me. He didn’t handle my grieving well at all. I couldn’t talk to him about any of it. He would get irritated and angry if he saw me crying, so I had to hide it. He started ignoring me and eventually, as I realize now looking back, even became cruel and emotionally abusive to me, and I know I LET HIM get away with it. I know I should have told him to leave years before I did, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing someone else whom I loved. I’m sure he knew this and knew it would be easy to manipulate and use me. I found out later that he had fallen out of love with me years before he moved out. He was just using me. He left over 3 years ago but I'm still not completely over it.
During all of this I had pretty much become reclusive. I lost touch with all of my friends. My Ex also managed to turn my best friend against me, as well as others. So, I haven’t had anyone I could talk to about any of this ever since it all started 12 years ago. I started trying to associate with friends again, old and new, about 2 years ago, but they have not been very receptive. After literally having no one to talk to for a decade, I guess I don’t really know how to make friends anymore. I don’t really have anything to talk about. I try to be happy and upbeat around people. I never talk about the past. But I still can’t seem to make a conection with ANYBODY. I even tried online dating, but rarely, if ever, got asked out on a 2nd date. I don’t know what the problem is. I used to be a pretty popular and well liked person. I used to have parties and everybody I knew would show up. I tried to have a Xmas party 2 yrs ago and not ONE person showed up – NOT ONE!
I know that everything I went thru for all of those years changed me. I was a real bitch for a while, but I’ve appologized and I’m Ok in that respect now. I have aged 20 yrs in the past 10. My hair turned solid white; I gained about 45 lbs., even my facial features have changed (moreso than just the frown lines and crow’s feet). If I have no expression on my face, I’ve been told I look very sad, a perminant frown. Even my posture and the way I walk are different!
Nothing motivates me or gets me excited. Nothing really makes me happy – I’ve forgotten how. I’ve lost my strength and my passion for life. I am taking antidepressants and they help a lot. I am trying to get out and socialize and do things that I enjoy, (or at least used to enjoy). And I've been trying for several years now to find something that interests me, motivates me, or makes me happy, but I still can't find anything. I was happy and content until all of this happened. I had a fantastic childhood, good relationships with my parents and 2 brothers, and a wonderful relationship with a man I had been with for 10 years before all of this happened. But now I'm lost.
No one in my family had died, except my Grandfather in 1983, so death was something new for me to have to deal with, much less suicide, much less 2 suicides, or having my family all die within 10 months of each other. I had never had to deal with rejection from a man I was in a relationship with before this either. (Yes, I’m serious.) So after all of this I felt so abandoned, rejected and unbelievably all alone. I know I can't have my old life back, and I think I am just now coming to grips with that, but I wish I could find a new one, one that I like. I just don’t know who I am anymore, or who I should be, or who I want to be. I have no direction, no goals.
So, that’s my story – sorry this is all so long.
But getting back to what Dr. Grossman wrote --- He then writes:
“ Because in the subtext of the parent-child relationship, these questions were never adequately answered.” Lacking satisfactory answers, the person can spend their whole life erecting props—ways they can validate their very existence. They do this through relationships, career success, self-aggrandizement, obsessive or controlling behavior, drug or alcohol use, or other ways (I will talk about all of these in later articles). Loss or trauma causes the props to fall, and instead of tumbling to a sturdy stone foundation (“I had a bad time or bad luck, but I’m basically O.K.”), people slide into a vortex of terror, shame, and worthlessness.”
I do feel worthless and have some shame due to the suicides, but I don’t think that the way I feel and problems I’m having are due to anything from my childhood or my parents. I was happy, content, popular, loved, and had a pretty great life before 1996. I think my problems (depression, etc. & “voicelessness”) are just biproducts of my experience. Isn’t that a possibility? Or if nothing else, my “voicelessness” started and was caused by events later in life. But maybe this gives me an advantage because at least I have a memory of a past where I wasn’t voiceless. A reference to go by. Does this make sense?
