Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
should I worry?
lynn as guest:
--- Quote from: pandora ---His response was to later track me down and unleash a very upsetting barrage of verbal harrassment - forcing me to state my reasons for divorcing him (which I did state quite clearly - infidelity and dishonesty) followed by a list of ways I had failed him as a wife - selfish, nonsupportive, bad communicator, etc. (One would wonder why he wants anything to do with me at all if I am such a disappontment!)
--- End quote ---
Pandora, my stbxh does the exact same thing almost everytime I talk to him... a barrage of verbal harrassment. Fortunately for me, most of these verbal attacks are on the telephone. Like you, I am amazed that he can carry on with insult after insult and then conclude that we should still be married. Even now, when I understand much more about N behavior, I am still very hurt by the tirades. And occassionally, he still frightens me with his intensity. When he focuses his anger on me.
At the same time, it reinforces my decision.
My reason for posting today? To tell you that I understand. To share with others the pattern these N's seem to take.
I would be careful. It seems that these Ns can create any kind of logic to justify their behavior. I agree with those who say it is advisable to limit or avoid contact with him altogether. If possible, try to avoid even the smallest of conversations when you see him in public. No matter what you say, he will turn it around and upside down and throw it right back at you.
From what you say, I'd guess that it is unlikely that he will do something violent. I would try not to have fear dominate my life. On the other hand, it makes sense to use your intuitive wisdom. If the situation seem like a threat it probably is. In your marriage you honed your skills of identifying you NH's moods. Trust you wisdom.
If you feel threatened, don't try to placate. don't try to reason. don't try to let him down easy. Listen to your own inner voice and get away. You won't win any prizes for being nice. And no matter how nice you are in reality, he will see it in his own "special" and twisted way.
Sorry to ramble. Good luck. Hopefully it will all fizzle out soon. That's what I hope for.
lynn
Onyx:
Hi Pandora and all
I've found this site useful and have taken some good advice from people such as Bunny and co. I do however have to ask myself some questions to which I'm unsure what the answers really are. I'm find myself perturbed; somewhat confused as to the labelling of people as Narcissists...etc
On reading your post, I tried to get a feel for the level of intimidation you're receiving from this guy. I tried to read between the lines and disseminate his anger and your fear. I generally got the impression, and I'm probably well wrong here, that he's behaving like a child who's had his favourite toy taken away from him! Obviously there is undoubtedly a lot more you could say. But I certainly didn't get the impression that he would move to harm you.
I still feel that you should cut off all direct communication with him, if you're certain that the relationship is at an end. I would also only offer that any communication should be via your solicitors (lawyers) and that any more verbal or implied threats should be dealt with legally and forcefully.
I do have difficulty with people labelling all divorce arguments as NPD. I can't think of many couples I've known who divorced as being happy. I can remember plenty who swore blind and cursed their other half in rage at times! But this didn't mean anything other than they were angry. As humans, we are all mostly tested to our limits at least once in our lives. This guy has cocked up and is paying the price for it. His ego is damaged...and not before time from the sound of it! So he's a prat..., but maybe one day when the pain of it all has subsided for you both, you can at least talk together again in happier times.
Onyx
pandora:
thanks for all the replies and advice.
I am going to keep an eye out, and try to avoid unnecessary contact with him and hope that will prevent any more incidents like this.
I do understand that he is unhappy and frustrated with the situation. But so am I, and I am not cornering him and yelling and cursing at him. And I do agree that he was probably reacting defensively to my request for him to leave me alone, by responding with an attack of sorts. I can understand his feeling rejected, but to respond like that still seems over the top.
I am not really afraid, just feeling wary. He has never been overtly physically violent that I know of. But if anything else like this happens I probably will take legal action. I think it is reasonable to be somewhat fearful when someone that is a foot taller and 100 lbs heavier is behaving in such an intimidating way.
Lynn, it was interesting to hear that your H behaves similarly - angry that the relationship is over, yet saying such negative things that one would think that he would be happy to be out of it. I actually thought it was possible that my H might be relieved that I was leaving him. After all, he had so many complaints about me, and he was clearly interested in other women! In many ways I feel that he forced me to make this decision, by behaving in more and more extreme ways. So I thought that perhaps it was because he wanted out but that he wanted me to do the dirty work so that he did not have to take responsibility. Well, who really knows?
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: pandora ---I actually thought it was possible that my H might be relieved that I was leaving him. After all, he had so many complaints about me, and he was clearly interested in other women!
--- End quote ---
You may be forgetting the male ego.
bunny
Anonymous:
What makes you think anyone here is labeling all "divorce arguements as NPD" (not really sure what that means, actually. ) Sure, many normal people go wacky during a divorce, but that is not why people are here, because normal people they are divorcing for whatever reason have gone understandably a little wacky during a divorce procedure. They are here because they have been dealing with abusive, abnormal, and quite possibly dangerous people that they are now trying to extricate themselves from. The divorce process only makes what they have been going through worse, and a previously non-dangerous person can turn dangerous when faced with loss of control or of their "supply."
When a person who has behaved as pandora's has in the past starts making veiled threats, it would be smart for her to take them seriously. You are doing her a disservice to suggest otherwise. I know you don't mean to take it lightly, but that is what seems to be happening.
Lizbeth (who forgot to log on, sorry)
--- Quote from: Onyx ---Hi Pandora and all
I've found this site useful and have taken some good advice from people such as Bunny and co. I do however have to ask myself some questions to which I'm unsure what the answers really are. I'm find myself perturbed; somewhat confused as to the labelling of people as Narcissists...etc
On reading your post, I tried to get a feel for the level of intimidation you're receiving from this guy. I tried to read between the lines and disseminate his anger and your fear. I generally got the impression, and I'm probably well wrong here, that he's behaving like a child who's had his favourite toy taken away from him! Obviously there is undoubtedly a lot more you could say. But I certainly didn't get the impression that he would move to harm you.
I still feel that you should cut off all direct communication with him, if you're certain that the relationship is at an end. I would also only offer that any communication should be via your solicitors (lawyers) and that any more verbal or implied threats should be dealt with legally and forcefully.
I do have difficulty with people labelling all divorce arguments as NPD. I can't think of many couples I've known who divorced as being happy. I can remember plenty who swore blind and cursed their other half in rage at times! But this didn't mean anything other than they were angry. As humans, we are all mostly tested to our limits at least once in our lives. This guy has cocked up and is paying the price for it. His ego is damaged...and not before time from the sound of it! So he's a prat..., but maybe one day when the pain of it all has subsided for you both, you can at least talk together again in happier times.
Onyx
--- End quote ---
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