It amazes me that my sister cannot see how lopsided the relationships are - that NM took care of her in a way that was never afforded me. That she panders after her and hardly recognizes me. So weird. How can a person turn a blind eye in that way?
Hi gratitude - I've thought a lot about these very questions! Here's what I think now. The surface appearance is how inequitable and lopsided the relationships appear to be. But we know for a fact that the N is an N is an N. I was in denial and played my role to show my loyalty and caring for my N. And so does my sister stay in denial and play her role to show her loyalty and caring for the N. The roles seem different but operate the same. It seems like she gets rewards for loyalty, but the N actually appropriates her to the N's identity. And she absolutely must play that role, or else. Or else what? Or else she might have to play
my role and who would want that? So is that all happiness and good relationship, or is that blackmail and coercion?
And as far as what they are getting out of it, it still isn't that appreciation of the GC as a separate individual. It isn't like they are deeply valued with respect for their integrity as a person. Because that is what the N cannot do for anyone, even for themselves. Pretending nothing is wrong is, to me, just the same as asserting the earth is flat or that the moon is made of green cheese. The GC can just keep on saying nothing is wrong and it's all my fault and so on, but
the evidence says differently. Anyway, the denial and I am sure my sister justifies the different treatment. I am sure because I've heard her do it. Naturally that is why the way my dad treats me must be all my fault and she warrants different treatment because she is a better person than me. In our case, as far as I can tell, it seems she has bought hook line and sinker a line of thinking that I deserve bad things and punishments. Short of her actually going to therapy, I cannot imagine her confronting that. But I have seen the way she seems angry and almost outraged if something good happens to me and you can bet nothing good would happen for me if I was still in the FOO environment. And I think it angers her that the universe doesn't always operate in a strike-Iphi-down kind of way, because it undermines what she has been taught, and has bought, about what is true.
And that makes me laugh because my poor dysfunctional family, they are scientists and they always treat me like the great unwashed peasant non-scientist who cannot possibly understand logic and evidence and the scientific method. That's just a story they tell, part of that false self exceptionalism. I understand all of these things
very well, though admittedly unlike them I do not have a Ph.D. I thought you might enjoy me sharing the science angle since you wrote your family only values doctors.
Anyway, my sister looks down on therapy as being for screwed up people who can't hack it, such as myself, and a few years ago told me a roundabout story in which she did not directly say she was proud to claim mental wellness without having to resort to therapy, but I got the message.
It's kind of hard to write publicly about the dark currents in our relationship like this. But there are better currents in it too.
I am glad to be able to share and have it be validating for you Beth!
