Hi OnlyMe,
Dear Nic,
How brave you are....
wow - it must be so healing for you.
Wish I had that strength.
Thanks for your post

I have not always been brave, thanks for the validation.
It is indeed very healing for me, very good sleep last night, very good day today.
One thing i forgot to say is that I presented a theory to my N mom during my discourse. I believe one can travel in any given direction in life, if it is meant for you problems and crises of proportionate magnitude will manifest along the way. However, if one travels and persists to travel in a direction that is absolutely not meant for them, the mechanism of destiny takes over. You become quite literally and oft violently yanked out of the path along which you persist and insist on travelling. Change is thus imposed or thrust upon you and this is quite destructuring and destabilizing. I believe this is what happened to me..i went counter-destiny with my life and was plucked quite literally from where I was and plopped right where I was supposed to be.
Now I know Bunny will find this esoteric

but that's my perspective and my theory... My mom heard, perhaps without understanding who knows

, what I meant. Then I told her how I thought that eventhough I can be surrounded with 'loving' people, with age, i seem to be accepting the fact that I am ultimately "alone" and that we all are.
She acknowledged that and added: "and nobody can fix your own misery but yourself"..which I took to mean she had some insight into herself and maybe some understanding of what I was saying rather than a retaliatory snippit!
And OnlyMe..it is only a matter of time! You will develop your own strength, of this I am certain!
Portia!
Hi, i'm feeling well today thank you!
Why did I hope throughout your post that she would say something reasonable, admitting some responsibility, showing just a little empathy? Ha.
Quite simply because you haven't lost hope for all the Ns out there! That's what empathy is! I'm touched by your words because they are very caring toward me too!
So what if your words may be twisted, misinterpreted?
Precisely! It's all about perception isn't it?! I can't take care of myself via someone else..I think i've finally gotten that through my head!
I’m trying to imagine the scene. From her point of view….she’s perhaps thinking…why is Nic ‘doing this to me?’ How can he be so selfish to talk to me like this when I’m hurt and lying here? Perhaps she was throwing you a ‘please have pity for me’ look
Strangely, she wasn't throwing me that kind of look. I exposed the truth as gently as I could...it's amazing how desensitized she had become to my ranting and raving and crying..i think I surprised her with my disposition!
She may just be terrified of death? I don’t know.
Just to fill you in..my mom has wanted to die eversince I can remember! I grew up with that.. I want to live, live better, live saner,, respect myself, become accustomed to not living in fear of a whole bunch of things..you know..honestly I just want to be free, which I know doesn't mean without worries or troubles. I suppose I am working toward what everybody wants here huh?!
But I don’t know your Nmom. I’m saying all this based on experiences with people who do not listen, who perceive everything to be about them and only them
LIAR!

Based on what you've written above, you know my mom very well!
hope it’s okay me talking like this Nic.
'course it is!
PS. I've just read my post through and I'm assuming a heck of a lot, it's all my perception, based on my reality....but you know that and I believe you know I mean you well, because I do. Big hug for ever-changing, shining (((Nic))).
I LOVE YOU TOO!
PPS. And I wish her well for the surgery. Is it scheduled?
Waiting lists my dear...we don't pay for healthcare here, it's end of summer and everyone is on holidays..this is not an emergency therefore no, it is not scheduled and I'm half way tempted in my next conversation with her to say: "BTW maman, Portia sends her best to you for your surgery!"

The child in me wants to play.
Love ever,
Nic
