Forgiveness

[darren]

My ex used to do horrible things on a daily basis.  I'd try to forgive her, but she'd just tack something else on to add to my bitterness and resentment.  It took me several years and a lot of research to get to a place where I could forgive her for what she did (and would continue to do.)  I had reached a point where I realized that all my hurt and pain was really unhealthy for me, and she wasn't going to do anything about it.  I forgave her for my own benefit, when before I think I was doing it for hers.   It made me happy, and it was great finally knowing she did have power over my emotions anymore and that I was in control... and that she couldn't hurt me anymore.  It was also enlightening when I realized that forgiving her made her angry and try even harder to hurt me.  I just accepted she was a sleazeball and there wasn't anything any of us could do about it, and stopped taking it personally.  I kinda felt like I was acting in such away that I was hurting myself just as much as she was. 

[Hopalong]

For me, forgiveness was a concept, then it turned into an empty space in my chest, a place that used to be tight and hot, and now feels only like water.

Relief.

Hops

[Iphi]

I think that I want to feel safe and then perhaps I can forgive or accept.  I don't hate my dad and in fact I feel very much for him and his struggles and have a lot of anguish for his limitations and how that confines his vision.  He's so rigid and unseeing.  And he suffers so much, really, really much, for himself.  I would do anything, if there was anything I could do.  But while I am busy thinking of what I can do for him, he is busy thinking what he wants me to do for him and so on, and taking bites out of me at his leisure.  And it is just so toxic and I never can save him or help him, it's all just more worse and worse and lower and lower.

So I want to feel safe and free. 

For years I thought forgiveness was the exact same thing as submission.  That surrender meant the same thing as abandoning myself.  And that acceptance meant the same thing as total resignation.

I'm still working that stuff out.  And I need to feel safe space to do it in.  Safety from the kind of daily horror and despair that relating with my Dad brings me, that is my burning need.

[axa]

Deb,

How lucky you were to have had such a good Mom and how wonderful she was able to live a life with love, sounds like a remarkable woman.

Guys,

Just skimmed through the thread but I am very interested in forgiveness also.  A couple of thoughts which is in line with some of the people here

I don't think you can decide to forgive, but then I know I have made decisions not to forgive people which does not make a lot of sense to me.  I had a disscussion with my friend about forgiveness today and she posed the idea that maybe forgiveness has nothing to do with us, maybe it is connected with grace from God.  Now there is a thought............. Making a decision to forgive does not necessarily mean that forgiveness is possible, imo.  It is something I think about often but still have not got any great understanding about it.

I hope this discussion continues as it is so interesting.

axa