Mom's Table Food -- Healing the Core

[Gabben]

Last night, while at my T's office, I kept eyeing a miniature dining table, one if many of thousands of objects on shelves that grace my T's office.

Finally I reached for the table and a little tiny plastic baby doll that looked helpless. My automatic response was to place the doll on the table. This symbolic expression led me to the insight of how as a baby, and in my developing years, I was food (NS) for my mom.

Now I am healing the pain of what it felt like to be food.

The more my mom used me as NS the more I, or self, diminished.

Feeling the deep layer of self coming back to life as I embrace her, baby Lise's memory, rooted deep, and in such a tender area of my developing stage of life (hardwired), I see how terror took a hold of me; fear deeply rooted along with guilt are making there way up and out of me.

[gratitude28]

Lise,
So you were used only as fuel to keep NM going? Is that what you mean here?
Yes, I think there is a lot of fear and confusion with an NM.
So... what now for you? What does this mean for you?
Love, Beth

[Ami]

I am so sorry for the darling little girl ,Lise. We are hurt ,at such a deep level. I had a big break through in healing, yesterday. I see that I had to be weak in order to be loved.
 By facing the deep truths and shedding love and light on them, we can heal, as you are doing.   Love     Ami
 

[Gabben]

Lise,
So you were used only as fuel to keep NM going? Is that what you mean here?
Yes, I think there is a lot of fear and confusion with an NM.
So... what now for you? What does this mean for you?
Love, Beth

Dear Beth,

My process is one of bringing the truth forward out of the shadows of my unconcious. My truths of my pain have many layers.

This is a very deep layer of baby Lise who was primarily seen has NS by her mom. Seeing this truth, having my unconcious play with the little symbols, such as the table and the helpless doll; is my unconcious trying to act out the story.  At one time in my life this memory was buried so deep but now it is on the surface, therefore, the ways in which I still cling to my own unhealthy N supplies can work themselves out of me.

In 12 step speak, you recall steps 6 & 7 where were are to continue to root out short-comings ("this is what separtates the men from the boys.") 

Letting of old ideas, which for me means letting go of old desires that never got fulfilled; such as the desire to been seen by my mom with that sparkle the way loving moms look at their children, you know, that self-less joyful delight parents take in their children.

My mom never looked at me like that. She looked at me as an object to gratify her emotional needs -- she looked at me with hunger.

I have experienced my own hunger for love, my own hunger to be looked at like I am someone special to someone, the deep wish to be wonderful to someone. However, as an adult I do not want to waste my time seeking for self....but recall...God restores us to sanity, all I have to do and can do it look -- see -- stare the ugliness of my own sin head on....my own sin of self-seeking ways that are deeply rooted.

Hope that explains better what I am sharing.

[Gabben]

I am so sorry for the darling little girl ,Lise. We are hurt ,at such a deep level. I had a big break through in healing, yesterday. I see that I had to be weak in order to be loved.
 By facing the deep truths and shedding love and light on them, we can heal, as you are doing.   Love     Ami
 

Thank you ((Ami))

Lately I have been becoming aware of my hatred for my helplessness. My mother despised my helpless state because it demanded so much of her to care for me. That is why she eventually abandoned me.

It occurred to me that I hate my helplessness, I hate how codependent, in may ways, I still am.

Ahhhhhhh ---- just healing another layer.....this too shall pass.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 I am finding that many of my problems are spiritual, rather than psychogical. IOW,sometimes, I can  "feel" a block, spirit, energy,whatever, leave my body.
 Today, I do not feel the exhaustion,which had been plaguing me for weeks. It was the FOO issue of feeling like I would only be loved and taken care of if I was weak and an emotional wreck--bleh.
 I had the FOO issue before Scott's death , so I was completly overwhelmed after  Scott's death. , Having the two  situations  brought me to a crisis point, which my friend helped me to see.
  He showed me that I was always replaying being weak and "pitiful" to be loved.
 Today, I don't feel exhausted. I feel pleaceful.I feel like I am up from underwater.  I have 'issues",but am not buried in distortiions and lies. If I am not up all the way, I am close.
                                                                    Love   Ami

[seasons]

Lise,

Love to your tender heart as you work through your pain. Your honesty is so pure, painful yet I hope most of all healing of your soul.

with warmth, seasons