Rage

[debkor]

Ami,

I think I understand somewhat.  I have had rage. I think when your trying to understand (just even yourself) or what it's all about and your own worth and worrying about everyone else (your children) and there is so much going on and then something like what happened to you I fully understand your feelings of rage!  I would feel the same.  Like I said I have had rage.  It consumed me for a bit.  I let it roll in and right out.  I don't think there was any other way to get rid of it then to feel it.  I was pissed.  Intensely Angry and had every right to be.  I wanted to feel it and let it roll off.  Like a wave crashing the shore then pulling back out to sea.   Almost like a cleansing so I could feel my other emotions.  My anger was deep deep hurt.  It all rolled up into a ball and rage was the leader.

Every other word out of my  mouth was the F word. I laugh now because that F word was a whole *healing therapy session* of it's own.  Now don't go and do what I did.  I think I would have been better hitting the gym instead of the F words. 

What I'm trying to say is I do understand feelings of rage Ami.  It will pass.  Just no F words please (lol) or if it helps knock yourself out (lol).

Love
Deb

[debkor]

Iz,

I also have always respected you for being a straight shooter.  I understand through your reads your one who sugar coats nothing and expects the same in return.  I think we are on the same page here. 

You deal with reality as you see it, so do I, well I hope I do, sometimes it's not always what I thought it was. We have all had some kind of horrendous time on here in our life some worse then others.  Some we can understand and others we cannot because we have not fully walked in their shoes.

I myself have not dealt with parents so many on here have.  I try to understand the best I can but how can I ever if I have not been in that position. I really cannot.  I have dealt with a husband who was crazy but parents no I haven't.  I can't answer or respond with a WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU DAMN KIDS I blame you.  WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE SCHOOL OR THE POLICE it's your fault.  People can say to me WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.  YOU WERE AN ADULT, it's your fault. And so on and so forth.  (note) I really don't feel this way.  Well about myself yes to some degree but I was an adult.  I lost a child Iz. I was right in the middle of craziness.  I was exhausted and fighting and didn't take care of myself the way I should have.  When I gave birth I came home and fit into a size 3 that was to big on me. The first thing the Dr's said to me before I could open my mouth was IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,what if people blamed me. If you would have slept, left taken better care of yourself held me responsible called me out on it challenged me to it (I don't know what I would have done) I was out of my mind with grief. I did not talk about the death either or very little. I talked about everything else but that.  I am sure people thought it didn't bother me and there were comments made. But they knew shit. They didn't know how I felt.  I went on with everyday life (so I thought) it came out when I was ready and to whom I wanted to share it with. And it came out in rage like Ami.  It was not my fault as it is not Ami's fault.  My D died because of genetics and Ami's son took his own life.  I was left to deal with it as Ami is.  Not anyone else.  No one.

So this takes us to all kinds of people and how they handle things.  Lets not forget there is ALOT of abuse that went on.  It takes years and some a lifetime to get over and maybe they never do. 

I have never walked in your shoes, the adult children's shoe or anyone who has lost a child (adult) or a long term bonding with one especially the way Ami has lost hers.

I cannot change your thinking as you can not change mine and that's alright but PLEASE, PLEASE with all due respect remove this post to Ami it is so damaging to her.  You want her to stand up for herself I don't think she can hardly stand right now. There is a reason why she came to this board in the first place.

You asked for a challenge she declined please let it go.  Izzy please have a heart.  Let her be. 

Now is not the time to call a challenge.  Please Izzy.  Remove the post. I am begging you. We really know shit and that is real.  Let her be.  You don't need the challenge it's not yours or mine or anyones on this board.  Please Iz.



Love
Deb

[Ami]

Izzy
 You are a very distorted person and so I take what you have written as I would any distorted person.                     Ami

[Ami]

I take what happens on the board as a way to learn how to deal with 'real" life. I think that whatever happens on the board could happen in real life.  I have dealt with hundreds of people since Scott died and not had one cruel comment. I have read books on grieving where people will make thoughtless comments.
 I was afraid of not being able to deal with it. My 3D world is somewhat "safe" from this sort of thing b/c I have lived in the same place for over 20 years.  However, that "protection" is a false fortress . If I were not "safe", I may have gotten thoughtless (cruel)comments before this.
The answer, for me, is to find my voice. I can't sanitize life, so I don't get hurt. I "tried" to sanitize life so I wouldn't get hurt. It is called emotional illness. Health is learning to deal with "what is".
 Pain and people hurting you is "what is" in life.
 I have been afraid of  this type of thing happening to me. I have been afraid of being humiliated and not knowing what to do .
 My life could be subtitied "Running from Shame".
 I see that there is no place to run  ,except total isolation.Even total isolation does not work. The answer is to have tools in your emotional toolbox   to handle what life "throws  at you". That is what "normal "(healthy) people do.Normal people don't need to run from the world.  They have a voice which stands up for them .They can face life with their voice.
  I cannot control the outside.
 Anyone  could say s/thing painful to me.
 If I can't stand up with my voice, I will forever be controlled by that fear.
     Ami

 Thank you Deb,Ann, Kim, Gaining Strength, Teartracks and  Gjazz. Even though a person has to find their voice for themselves, it helps tremendously to have support in the process. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[gjazz]

Debkor:  Your story sounds like my mom's, in that she was married to an N but not raised by one.  She never lost a child but my NF always made sure she knew he was with another woman while she was in the hospital giving birth.  So sorry for your terrible loss.  Hope this is a good place for healing for you.  And it wasn't your fault.

Ami: My point, in asking Izzy what she felt was beneficial about her comment (I chose one comment, could have chosen several) had only point: there was no answer, and thus none what forthcoming.  If I were you, I could not react with compassion to what she has written, as Debkor did so poignantly, but I'd only add this: it really had nothing to do with you.  It was a selfish and, let's face it, bizarre and rather confused reaction to a bunch of hypothetical conclusions drawn by someone who doesn't know you, didn't know Scott, has no idea what happened.  When the initial assault didn't seem to work, there was a secondary, equally if not more bizarre, schoolyard bully "won't come out and fight, eh?" follow-up that left me wondering, frankly, if Izzy had chugged just a little too much proof that God loves us. 

Hey, I'm new here, I'm just in it to help and be helped as best I can, so maybe in this case it's fair to consider all potential causes of that little diatribe.  None of us know who we're talking to, or what their particular situation is.  Grieving, homicidal, suicidal, nun, felon, sane or not sane.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everybody,

I received many requests that Izzy's posts on this thread be deleted.  Bravo to Ami for being able to stand up for herself in such a trying time.

Best,

Richard