Author Topic: When you finally take charge of your life  (Read 1903 times)

freetobeme

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When you finally take charge of your life
« on: August 10, 2004, 08:15:44 AM »
Hello group!

Divorce from an xN husband was final one year ago.  It has taken the major part of a year to finally relax into life, to heal, to remake myself.  Actually the remaking started a bit before the divorce, which is why I had to divorce.  You can imagine what was thrust upon me from the xN when I started to change.  It got physical and I left one night with night clothes on my back and a pocket full of paper security.  I never went back.

Without knowing it when I left, I had to fight him for 2 hard years legally.  I became stronger in the battle. I can now bless it for that reason.

What I did not realize was the extent that my mother had on my life until then. (And father, but he died during the divorce fight.) I had been going to counseling for years, and the abuse had never come up.  No one saw it, it was not recognized.  I have learned though this is very common in emotional abuse victims, the psychologists do not recognize it.  How in the world could I have not seen the problems for what they are?  I was so busy doing and being what she wanted me to do and be that I lost myself....voiceless in all regards.  

I am just being able to tell mother a tiny bit of what is going on in my life without feeling guilty as can be, but let me tell you I cannot tell her much!  Nor will I even though she presses every time I speak with her. Every little bit of me that she perceives is different from herself is reason for a passive agressive type of response from her.  The one that hurt the most was her telling my adult children (I am 55) that their mother has joined a wierd religious sect (I have only left her fundamentalist religious group but have joined nothing), was behaving differently (Halleluliah!), that their father was right about me when he said that I am making changes in my life that are not psychologically optimal (read: I will not let anyone control me anymore so I left him), that I needed so see a doctor for my thyroid is off (Literally hers is off, mine works fine now), I need to get on depression medication (I am off of all of it now for a year because I do not need it but mother cannot stand this nor can she relate to it because she is very depressed).  Now, this was a problem for she had been doing this behind my back. I should have suspected, but I did not.  My children do not understand Narcissism, nor will they let me talk to them about it.  So, for the first time in their life they are seeing an adult mother who is happy, who is starting a new business, who is making new friends, who travels, and who is finally living her own life.  They are learning, but slowly.  It is OK for I do not define myself by their understanding. They are smart enough I know to process what they see rather than what they are told, if they choose to do so.

I have had to delve into the realms of understanding emotional abuse.  How is one to know that being told you are sick, ill, weak, etc is a form of controlling you?  How was I to know that one of the best places to find Ns is in religious fundamentalism (Now not all of it, but some, yes).  How was I to know that my joy in finding myself, in connecting to my Divine self within, would trigger fear and attacks from a woman who says she loves me and just wants to let me know because of her deep love how I should live my life?  How was I to know that the man I fell in love wth 35 years ago was my mother and father all rolled up into one huge manic depressive, emotionally abusive, war flashbacks, N type of behavior?

The Universe sent me several new friends, renewed old ones, over the last 3 years who have allowed me to talk and talk in order to process. I have started writing also as well as researching. That helps a lot for it gets it out on paper so I can see it objectively. ..get it out of my body.  Bless these beautiful souls.

Bless the people on this MB also for you understand.  You have been there in your own journey in some form or other.  We function best when we help each other in this life.

I finally understand why I was so eager to put my own thoughts aside for years in order to keep peace and harmony in the family, birth and adult family.  Any thoughts of our own as children were met with sever punishment from father and mother had her own methods. Well, this happened to the two older girls, not the baby daughter as much & not the son at all.

What I really want to know is why psychologists do not recognize the horror of being emotionally abused?  Do they not teach that in school?
I want to stand in front of a group of them and explain it from a Victims point of view.  Would they listen?  I am beginning to think of writing about it.  

Ah well.  THanks for listening.  Don't know why I posted this, except it helps to process.

Learning

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When you finally take charge of your life
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2004, 08:50:45 AM »
Hi Free,

It sounds like you have been through some pretty major ordeals and are now coming out on the other side.  The better side.  I'm really happy for you.  You deserve it.  I believe your children know that too.  And I am so happy that they have you to look at for a model of a healthy emotional life!

You have mentioned how your mother will try and find something wrong with you if you are expressing your own opinions.  I can relate to that.  My mom does the same sort of thing.  I have come to believe that she can only relate to me if I am unhappy or not feeling well for some reason.  As a kid I loved it when I had a fever, because then she had solid proof that something was wrong with me and she was actually somewhat nuturing.  I also vomitted alot as a child.  Perhaps this was another way to get mom's attention. :shock:  :?:   Although, I still tend to get sick to my stomach alot, especially when I think back on certain memories.

I think the result for me is that now I am really not comfortable letting myself be happy and healthy.  Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of getting there, but then...but then what?  Another thing to discuss with T. :shock:

Quote
What I really want to know is why psychologists do not recognize the horror of being emotionally abused? Do they not teach that in school?
I want to stand in front of a group of them and explain it from a Victims point of view. Would they listen? I am beginning to think of writing about it.


There are some interesting questions here.  Sometimes I wonder about that with my therapist.  Recently he said something to me that makes me believe that he does understand.  I was recounting a story of my childhood and my feelings along with it.  I felt embarrassed because I thought I was being over dramatic.  I told him that and he responded by saying that he thought if anything I was understating how bad I felt.  I was really surprised because I always feel that my experience wasn't that bad.  Anyway, I think that my T gets it.  I don't know about other therapists.  I think it would be great if you wrote about this topic.  From what I've heard on this board, there are plenty of incompetent therapists out there.

Free, I'm looking forward to reading more of your experiences.  Thank you for sharing.

with love,
Lisa

Anonymous

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When you finally take charge of your life
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2004, 10:58:13 AM »
Hi freetobeme,
I can relate so much to the fundamental attitude that something must be wrong with you if you do not allow the Nparents to control you. I just confronted my Nparents with the truth of how I really live. It is opposite of what was taught in their churches. So when they hear that I choosen to live by my own conviction instead of their stupid rules, they said I was crazy, needed to be admitted into a psych ward, etc, etc. To them, if I had the nerve to step up and admit to living as I see best for me, I must be off my rocker. They think they have imposed so much fear in their children that no one would dare admit to breaking thier religiously founded man made rules. When I told them I have no fear of them or their rules anymore, they fell apart. Needless to say, since I can no longer supply them with the reactions they thrive on, they have no need for me. No contact has transpired in 2 months with anyone in my family. I am approaching my mid life years, have lived half my life by my standards with no real problems, am completely content with the choices I made, am willing to live the consequences of my choices and am a happy, successful, life loving individual. I am over the hurt that I did not come from a loving happy family. Now I can see that it is their problem, and not mine. They choose to be unhappy, misearable, judgemental hermits because the world will not conform to their beliefs outside of church. They thrive at church because the minister re-proclaims the rules each week, they hear them, choose which suit them, go out and force these oppinions on others, but do not live them as part of their own lives. One church service fuels them for a few days, giving them more power to exert on others. Then as they start feeling empty, they go back, get in their little groups, gossip about the people around them that they proclaim to love, but actually despise, as these people are their soruce of supply and they love no one but themselves.
Ellie

Anonymous

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When you finally take charge of your life
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2004, 01:23:41 PM »
Hi Freetobeme,

Yes, unfortunately religion is a handy tool for extremely controlling parents.  Gives God [put in your own label here] a bad name.  I mentioned to another poster a while ago that some church communities act in the form of social acceptable cults.  Very damaging to individuals.  

I'm a spiritual person who evaluates any "message from God" as being either life-giving or life-taking.  It is either encouraging growth and love and closeness to our Creator, or espousing Control and groupthink.  When the organization becomes more important than the message, I run for the hills.  

The good Lord made you just the way you are and is cheering you on, girl!  Thanks for posting your message.  It gives me hope about the promise of healing.  :D  Hugs, Seeker

Feline

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deep thought on it (long post)
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2004, 06:07:06 PM »
Ican guess why therapists don't recignize emotional abuse..

I know alot of people don't recognize it for what it is.When they say it or when they are recieving it. That is the question..I'll try to tackle here.

I know alot of people mistakea person's emotionally painful  venting for emotional abuse aimed at them.They take it personal and the person venting isn't exactly eloquent under stress. Sometimes when confronted peeople see more into intentions that are not there in a person they think is agressive.People project on each other back and forth. Some people are not dangerous they are just are intense and feel things deeply alot.(I have this sometimes) To be responsible in a relationship,I want to remember to be observant and make sure the listener understands what I say is not directed at them,personally if I want the relationship to stay on good terms.
Emotional abusers don't care to keep relations on good terms they just want to control all the terms in thier relationships..
I know people who abuse and who are hurt by it  rationalize emotional abuse as 'normal' especially when it happens to kids,or minorities,anyone seen as  a lesser quality person, inferior,or weaker by society at large..Or when a majority in power may lose the pedisatal they are accustiomed to having they were never entitled to have  due to a flaw in society itself  I'll get to later..This sick power dynamic plays out in alot of  human relationships.Some parents rationalize abuse and say things like "boys will be boys" when thier kids are being bullied or they think emotional abuse will "toughen thier skin"(desensitize them to thier own feelings and feelings of others)Or it will encourage people who are abused to become tough and"take it". Which are beliefs that are self serving and useful to abusers.

I know alot of people carry around alot of internal emotional poison and they are sick and they need to get it out and there are not many listeners who can endure listening to that kind of suffering for long..Before they get defensive or scared. And blame the person for feeling as they feel.And offer them a self serving  solution which is to feel as the listener wants so they don't have to empathize.The listener is being dishonest about how they are being burnt out or disturbed emotionally by what the person in pain says and they are taking it personal because they may feel similar way inside and they start hurting too.. or may have done similar things to others that this person is saying hurt them...and they feel ashamed but can't admit that. And this evading,face saving, lying game we play with each other is what  blinds us all to honestly understanding why we say the words  we say,and seeing dissonences between what we say and what we  mean and what we do as if they are not connected. What we say or hear may mean something different to someone else than what we want it to or assume it does.. This  human communication  flaw includes therapists.

Our culture seems to consider emotional abuse as normal.Because of the flaws in our self understanding and lack of internal honesty about our own motives.To me this defensiveness and dishonesty in ourselves is in our culture because,relationships are made to be competitive,a dance of lies and truth,lies are built on cocercion,domination and master/slave type relationships.honesty is based in a chosen self soverign surrenderand acceptance of onself and your inner authority as you are, and anti authoritrarian rejection of abuses of power and the insistance on Equality of worthiness  in your relationships and insisting trust is earnedby a person's  proven trustworthiness..Trust is not granted because of someones display of symbolic power or reliquished because of threats to your personhood. .These bad reasons to grant someone slse trust are based in a  top down inequality relationship.In other words an abusive one.

Cocercion in our lives  is so extensive,it permeates   human societies and psyches, it's like the air we breathe so it's invisible because it's taken for granted.. I realized just how pervasive cocercion is in our culture  the day I stepped into a community that has no narcissists,(Hearts and Ears).
We struggle with boudaries but it is expected at H&E  abuse will not be tolerated.

Hearts and Ears like any other community of people based in equality and noty in top down power arragnements  always has predatory people wanting to get in. Sometimes they slip in and cause strife for a short time  but for the most part the group consiousness is anti cocercive because it is a group of self soverign equals. I used to imagine as a teenager  if I won the lotto or something I wanted to set up a haven, an "asshole free zone" where no bullies would be allowed to dominate,a place free of manipulation,insults and cruelty where we could be ourtselves and not be afraid..Where everyone who was not domineering,abusive narcissist or sadist was respected and emotionally nourished.
This kind of anti buly group requires membership to be aware of the subtleties of good or bad relationships,To see the inherent equality in people and to accept but not hierachialize  thier differences at the same time,to respect themselves and each other as self soverien responsible people who can choose to respect the community and the individuals in it.For this awareness to develop it requires the  excluding of people with conduct disorders from the group the first time they disrespect the community by disrespecting members .It requires all members to learn to be  aware of the signs and tactics used  by abusive personalities,to discern it from other non abusive but colorful or blunt personality styles,confront iabuses immediately when it occurs and have no tolerace for it continuing.
These kinds of conduct  discernment skills are in short supply in human groups and relationships.

Ironically I think things like psychosocial day programs and mental hospitals may have been advertized as places of refuge,and hurting people saw it that way and sometimes found out that the psych system  for them really is a place of cocerion, of torture designed to condition you, to force conformity out of people who are too close too seeing how they've been cocerced for every day of thier life and are beginning to see the many sources of thier misery lead back to abusive controlling narcissists in positions of power they abuse.

Therapists can be cocercive to clients  without realizing it.
Therapists are agents of determing what society deems "normal" which has it's roots in Eugenics. Normalness is not the same thing as sanity.
I tend to respect the opinions of dissident therapists who sem to understand and struggle to see  the complexity ,pervasiveness and commonality of emotional and other kinds of abuse and aknowlege the  awful damage to the person,to society that all forms of abuse do.

I think therapists  who don't see emotional abuse clearly,are confused partly because of how they percieve  power relationships.Maybe they don't see emotional abuse because society is so steeped in emotional abuse  that itis seen by too many people as a normal way  to behave in interpersonal relationships.It looks to me like many people by consensus reality have been conditioned or accepted  emotional abuse as part of the fabric of thier own life.  To have to control of your own mouth or be aware of the effects of your words on other's emotions is a big responsibility.It requires empathy,and a fine tuned self deception detector. A life without abuse for some people is so beyond thier realm of life experince.Partly  because in our kind of culture most people who grow up narcissists are not taught to conduct themselves in a cooperative manner by bystanders. If an abuser  can't get away with tearing someones emotions apart because people do not tolerate being treated that way or seeing others treated that way the abuser has to change his behaviorand quirt being an asshole if he wants a place in the community ,or leaveand find one that tolerates being abused...People in our culture let abusive people get away with emotional abuse quite a bit,We are in denial about abusewe tolerate it and pretend it does not hurt..We tolerate people with conduct disorders and give them trust and power. We as a culture are axccepting of  the choices of abusers to harm because abuse is generational and the dynamics of abuse and trauma pervades our culture,,because as a cultural expectation we are conditioned to identify with the "role model" if we want to survive,that is invariably sociopathic on some level...This is why power-over, the appearance of "success",the negating of emotions as "weakness",symbols of  authority and social status  is so attractive to everyone caught up in competitive ways of relating.
We tend to draw the line at physical fighting and ignore fighting words unless it gets physical.We blinded ourselve by disconnecting our thinking from our words from our actions.Prtending  as if there is a compete solid wall there that contains it all.This is not true..We forget that wall is broken by our decisions,our choices. A desire to abuse someone because you think you can,can break out of your head and become abusive words said to inflict pain,deliberately Abusive words can turn into an abuse situation and the abuser feels powerful..
It takes a choice to abuse somebody or yourself  'Thisis a choice one does not have to take if one is aware and not lying to oneself about your own motives..

For instance: Fundamentalist ideas that are central to thier faith like all of humanity is inherently evil because we are made to exist in a fallen state by default by god, that we must be rescued from,by  belief in a particular concept of  god or the personally abusive creed of fundamentalism that says  I deserve  to be tortured forever simply because I disagreed with fundamentalism,struggling  in a finite life that is full of strife abuse and confusion,I get hell,simply for not trusting the fundy god ,the Christian belief system it'sa bibles,andIf i dare to  think these beliefs are abusive to my humanity I am a monster by default..It's abusive to myself  to think this way..... The belief itself  is in my observation iof how it effected me,emotionally abusive .

So when fundiesor even "moderate christians" rationalize to  me this notion  of torture is good or just and thier jealous vengeful god does this to me because he loves me and he's perfect  it's even more emotionally abusive to me,it's the perfect paradigm of an abuser and abused in a bad relationship wrapped up in a religion, and sold as belief.
How many frustrated angry abusive parents will  beat thier kids for being different or defying thier domination  and say they beat thier kid out of  the love they have for them?
This is Moral relativism dressed up as a moral authority,it  is peddled and pushed all over america as if it's "good news"and a normal  healthy belief to have about oneself..or others.(that we are inherently evil monstroties that deserve to burn forever)Sounds like emotional abuses my parents would say to me to keep me in my place ,not hating them for beating me up ,and terrorized.It's a sick belief and alot of people especially the believers don't see it this way because they approach god  like an abused person they paint thier abuser(god ,church,the bible) in a rosy picture to themself with a selective memory to cover up the abuse in the beliefs .It's the biggest  catch 22 of the ages.. Christian autorities don't take the abuse out of the bible because  it's useful to them to keep power and excuse themselves. Believers have struggled in  that catch 22 for centuries the only way they can rationalize it  is through saying bad is good and that is true  moral relativism...And gods presence somehow will make it make sense.TMoral relativism is just  the kind of morality that exuses abusers.
This pattern of emotional abuse in human relationships is everywhere because cocercion is everywhere in our culture it's invisible like the air we breathe..You don't see it until you are totally out of that environment like a fish out of water.

Just watch comedy central most of the stand up  comics rely on emotional abuse as if it's"funny". The same thing as a school bully belittling you excuses himself because it's so "funny". The sad observation I have  seen is  the excuses alot of people have for justifying and concealing  emotional abuse they do to others. They say lies like,It'as a joke,grow a thicker skin(desensitize and don't hear my barbs as barbs),or they blame you for being upset  at thier verbal cruelty and go hide thier sadism under free speech arguments. Knowing full well that having  free speech is very valueable and nessary for self defense against emotional abusers too.

Yet alot  people are afraid that if you make a bully watch his mouth you gotta use the law to do it.As if a clear group consensus on what abuse is tis can't pressure them to stop acting out...People think if we tell a bully he is abusing us it takes away free speech  for all. That ain't nessarily so.It requires alert empathic  people who observe emotional abuse and will not stand by and let it go on unchallenged, standing up and sensitizing each other to it by living an example as they chastize the bully for the cruelty without being a hypocrite.This behavior  in practice speads and makes a new model it creates a culture that gives emotional abusers no company. So,as more individuals understand what abuse is and what it is not..and they start walking thier talk the culture will change itself.

Hearts and Ears is a community that  has a group consiousness that's  anti-abuse. We all are expected to self police and protect each other from abuses,because we choose to create a haven for ourseves and our kind..We learned how based in an 'official' focus on understanding diversity,sensitivity,empowerment,awareness.The  open frank discussions had  among everyone about abuse and why it hurts us,how we feel, what it is,where all voices that are hurting come from.Deep searching  is respected and pain is heard within boundaries.

This is what Hearts and Ears is all about.
It is part of the On Our Own/ Psych survivior movement.
Over my time there I have observed how bullies are intensely uncomfortable in the group because they feel like a fish out of water..They don't stick around long because it isn't the kind of culture they like..They apparently can't tolerate the group expectations of a balanced mutual emotional respect and emotional expresion and the mileu of civility and individualityheld  in balance by the anti abuse additude we have all created there. There are no anti cussing rules,speech "appropriateness"or dress codes that create a veneer of civility like alot of "professionally"run day programs tend to impose from the top down.

 Instead each person wants to make a real community with genuine from the heart  mutual respect of persons.But this is shown by example not by official policy. When someone else is wounded in group by what someone else sayswe don't tell them to lump it. We learn to balance our empathy for the hurting with our needs to express what we see and each of us are responsible for what we say and protecting each other from abuse when we percive it happening.The goal is to understand and empowerand find integrity inside..The group can be blunt,raw and very nourishing and tender depending on your conduct in it.And integrity isn't about your beliefs,appearances,not cussing or "approprateness"It is about a non abusive relationship and throwing out chosen  beliefs and rejecting  people that choose to hurt people. It is the safest community I have ever set my paws into..

There is no real domination or authoritarian power structure or chain of command at Hearts and Ears. But there is an official policy concerning what to do about abusers. This policy was  put there for legal protection and for warning the state or perps to keep certain people with conduct disorers out by saying this group is not designed  for them.The policy is there to protect the integrity and non-abusive healing group consiousness of Hearts and Ears too.
It's the group consiousness working all by itself, in the consensus of the environment that is created to be  healthy because the  people making up the community decided on an abuse free environment from the beginning so that is the founding expectation people are expected to conduct themselves in when they come there.. It's  that expectation that creates this determination and mutual agreement held among all members that  anti abuse additude all by itself that expells abusers.This also generates the desire  in me to respect  members and myself and it does so in other members too..


Hearts and Ears  has helped me grow in a positive way all the professional help could not do..

Because  in theraputic settings there is the inequal (hierarchy) inter personal power structure that I did not trust or percieve clearly enough interfered with my ability to be vunerable enough to trust and heal.

If an expectation of an inequality of power is assumed between the inherently different AND equal people  in a group it enables cocercion and abuse to happen. It is because a group that operates  inherently in a  autoritarianism based  structure  is in itself  an inequal social  arragement where someone is on top and someone else assumes the position on the bottom.For authority  to sustain its appearance of power over  others it needs symbols of authority(Ph.D's  Staff.. Patients,Low fuunctioning,High functioning ,Escort  Permission levels ect. ) that kind of top and bottom layered structure creates  inequality/ The thing in the thraputic relationship was abuse of power in the structure..it was subtle but always implied  and reinforced in all professional theraputic relationships I was in.
I didn't trust because I had diminished power as a patent under the parental assumptions of the threapists. And It broke my trust because of the power structure itself I was not seen as an equal with the 'authority' of the doctors or staff on a human being level..The staff and docs were only different they have specialized knowlege,they are not more  than me as a human being tho.But the expectaions of my'place' was clearly reinforced   in the clinical setting .That made that realization of my lesserness impossible to deny for me.

I don't expect a therapist to have thepsycho- socio-political insight to see the glaring falshood in the inequality and the boundary differences in different power oriented  communities when everyone else is oblvious  to it too,if he chooses to not see it.If a therapist relies  more on theories found in books rather than his personal experinces he will not comprehend  how equality really works when it is the founnation is something bigger than a one on one relationship.. Until more therapists are able to step out of the cocercive cultural surround that most groups of humans model themselves into(top down command structure)and has some other structure (like an equal, mutually reinforced  horizontal power structurethis is what anarchy really is about  basically)(anarchy is not lawlssness) A person needs  to compare the healthy to the  "normal" domination based relationships and authoritarian power structures to  other kinds of structures of he won't be able to pinpoint the differences between them .The idea of Equality and non authoritarianism  threatens his own claim to legetamacy of the  perks in society he gets appearing  as  a professional authority figure P.hD.. Some therapists like having  that title,and social power over people.So they might tell themselves and other professionals things that are not true about communities like Hearts and Ears because they want the perks of having authority more than to do what it takes to heal society...If a therapist can see how abnormal our society at large is,and see emotional abuse for what it is (a tool of domination in social situations and relationships)..Once he experinces for himself  this comparison beteween power structures (mutual equal VS top down) in how it effects group consiousness and social environments..he may be able to deny the damage and crazymaking that emotional abuse causes.

 Seeing this huge flaw controlling  society's very structure will really cause some cognitive dissonence hope and fear in who sees the massiveness obviousness of it all..It caused emotional struggles for for me and I struggle still with coping with the vast and unnessary contrasts I see all the time between the ways of percieving . Hearts and Ears  has helped and empowerd me so much.

I realized I am the sole soverign  authority over my own life ,maintaining my integrity and controlling my conduct and detecting when my choices are interfered with by manipulation cocercion abuse or other things..Everyone else is sole soverign like I am  too. So  respectful negotiations between soverign equals  in equal relationships has been corrupted by emotional abuse for a long time..So the appeal for authority to escape responsibility and denying your  own soverignity  by using abuse to convince yourself of entitlements,And denying responsibility by believiing  you are not worthy of being treated fairly and that you are not equal to the dominator is all part of the tragic perceptions we have about social organization and the abuse it takes to maintain a top down hierachy over equally soverign and unique people.... It is sad more people aren't aware of the different kinds of power people use on each other in society and strive to understand how emotions color relationships.Abuse  motives can effect emotions making negotiations between equals turn into domination based relationships where someone always loses ina zero sum game..

I think an answer to ending emotional abusecomes from  exploring outside the cocercive air of how everthing is done and has always been done socially,and looking within.
Escaping the 'mainsteam' is nessary to understand how pervasive society's  abuse damage is and how cultures like ours might be encouraged to get  itself  away from conditioned  perceptions that abuse us. Abuse that is normalised ina society does not stop.It still abuses individuals in a million ways in an unconsious mega- pattern which has an effect of  keeping 1 part of humanity disempowered,unhappy fighting with each other, working itself to exhaustion,and confused..And keeps  the other part of humanity irresponsible, up on a pedistal it does not deserve lording over all in the name of it's own self perpetuating power-organizing principal lived by milliond of people with a place and stake in a vast game, arranged so that the most abusive of us will  get  the best rewards of it..
To step outside of that whole mess psychologically and emotionally  is hard. This is where  societies role models end thier significance and the unknown you want to fill with a better way  begins and you are on your own,you are operating  outside the paremeters of 'normal'society..Like a battered wife you are breaking house rules  by running  from a bad place into the night to escape the pain and domination of an abuser.And you are free and terrified and alone. You can either let the fear of hardship drive you back to the abuser,to the familiar rules.Or find new allies who like you do not want to live that way of life anymore. You might have to live in a hole or be poor or risk everything to be free of abuse. I think society needs to do this on a grande scale. The 60's was an attempt to build a different society.and the authoritarian structure crushed it,feared it scaopegoated it.Parents were scared thier kids were living lives unknown to them  ...

Seeing the  totally false illusion  that the chain of command structure is when it abuses power .A game that  has for millienia been  imposed on all human beings in thier interactions and relationships that in reality are between equals...unjustly I can't unsee it again..

I want to try to understand how this 'normalized' flaw in human social organization got here..how it has caused unimaginable damage to life itself how it has become so normal to us...
Society has been organized in a top down way,it's been done like this for so long One part of Humanity acts like an abuse victim  for the other part humanity that thinks it's superior.
Humanity really does react  like a child that was  born in a abusive home. Who  thinks it's normal to be abused or be entitled and that  abuse and power is how life  must be framed..That permission of another or getting away with it  is freedom.. If said kid lives immersed in abuse they don't know any better until it's modeled to them.. Adults in this society are like the kid.. Some are working in theories but have no model.. So until they get out of the cocercive environment ,see equality  and empathy in action..thethings  thier parents never showed them..because they didn't know. If they have the time to compare environments in a few years of emotional healing more  people who step out of the paradigm of authoritarianism might decide a life of abuse is not good for anyone, the old reward and punishment games of how our society is run and ordered creates unequal relationships with people and inequality does not work for long  because it is sick and flawed and carries the cause if  it's own destruction in it's 'limited sucesses'..

The authority of an abuser is an empty sound that hurts only  if you can  feel it. Our society does everything it can to avoid feeling it.Because if we felt it we may have to change,get some humility,care about something besides ourself, and grow up.


Those are the best explanations I can think of right now. I hope I didn't ramble too much .I'll try to delve deeper and say it shorter.. I hope it helps at least to get you thinking of a better more accurate answer than I can cook up.

May I reccomend a book?Check out

A language Older than Words
by Derick Jensen.

Hellova read by a  Wonderful author,I had an email talk with him awhile back and saw he is a very sweet genuine person.
Take Care.

sometimes I write all this stuff because I really hope someone can use it to free themselves.