i made a big mistake

[Hopalong]

Much, much real love to you
(((((((((((James))))))))))))))

Reality hurts. But it is your friend.
It may take a few repetitions, but when you take this reality all the way in and absorb it completely, there will be no more bitterness. Like an unsafe dog, they are human and unfortunately, this is their nature.

Once the reality is your friend, James you will find real love, healthy love. You'll find it, create it, attract it, build it. You can make a family of friends, find love, build a good good life.

love
Hops

[James]

Hi Hops......thank you for those strong words of encouragement and hope. I'm not quite there yet but i have always had hope that i would make it and i will. I feel a lot better these days and it is because i am coming to terms with reality even though it doesn't taste so good at times. I empathize with the problems your having right now. On several different fronts...thats got to be tough. When i read about the situtation with your brother my blood ran cold just like it does around my family members. He sounds like a real jerk to say the least inhuman would be a better word. You mentioned that your mom had some idea of bad news? does she know whats going on and if so how will this affect her? I hope tomorrow is a little brighter for you. Lock those doors and let your attorney do the work........Best, James

[Overcomer]

J I have found that to have a different opinion than my mom's is to show her disrespect.  She cannot stand to have me think for myself.  It is too late mom!  I have thought differently than you for YEARS!  DECADES!  Good for you for not seeing them since Christmas.  Now do not see them until Thanksgiving.  Or say something like "I will not speak so you until you can tone the edge in your voice down."

[Ami]

Dear James,
 I think we HAVE disbelief that our parents could be that bad. It is beyond belief, when you think about it. I still have disbelief over and over ,again. Our parents are so familiar to us that we can not see them like we could strangers. The familiar pull of "Mom-Dad" and some good times ,blind us to the truth and we WANT  to be blinded, too.
 Who wants to face N's /or sociopaths, as your own parents?
 For me, I always yearn for s/one else's parents and I still do. This is bad. It is a theme I have had my whole life.
 James, you are getting clearer and clearer thinking, as time goes on. Trust youself. You have good perceptions!You have a good core to "dust off" and build.    Love   Ami

[James]

overcomer..............thats sound advice. I am getting an early Christmas present from them this year. They leave at the end of May to go to their other house until after Christmas. 1000 mi away. We children usually flourish when these two are gone at least i do.......................thanks James

[James]

Ami..............it really is just disbelief. The more i understand myself and who they are, this disbelief i am recognizing as the deeper shock that i've been in all my life. Most children raised with parents like this must experience something similar. It simply seems to defy the laws of nature IMO..... although i have heard of other species who eat their young........hugs James

[Ami]

Fish eat their young!                     Ami

[James]

Something interesting has happened today. I found my rage at my NM. What a cold %$@$ this woman is and i have overlooked it all my life. I think she is the last member of my rotten FOO that i may have to come to terms with. I'm not sure i have ever seen a woman with more hate desguised in a "loving mother package". The anger i feel is deep and powerful, for the first time i really she who this woman is and i would hardly give her the honor of calling her "mother". My anger is for good reason and the more i experience it the more i see reality as it was. My refusal to see this before has caused a lot of mysterious confusion, but now i know for sure just who this woman is. It's all i can do to keep from picking up the phone and telling her what i think. I've been blind my whole life, when i think of the beatings, humilations, betrayls, letting that monster of a dad maul me while she stood by without lifting a finger. I am so mad, more than mad. She has done nothing but use and abuse me, especially the emotional sexual abuse. No more feeling sorry for her. She never has been on my side she just used me anytime she pretended to be concerned and offered aid. In reality she has only been sucking me dry and nothing else. I feel totally betrayed and used.  Its going to be difficult the next time i see her to contain my anger. How does one deal with anger this intense? It's bad enough to see what happened but to keep this in to spare her feelings or to not make a scene seems unfair and cruel after a lifetime of abuse. I raged at dad when i got to this point, but with mom, how does one deal with rage at a evil motherlike this?.................James

[Ami]

Oh James
 HOW do you deal with that level of rage? The first thing I thought of was stay away from her b/c you could lose it. I guess the first thing to do right now is realize that the rage won't kill you or make you murder her(but still stay away, just in case---lol)
 I think that writing about it helps. That is what I do. I don't bang things or scream. Maybe, I should.Some people do.
 I exercise when I have too many emotions.
 I wish I had more helpful things to say.
 I love you, James. Neither of them could destroy you. You will survive and thrive, just as *I* am(ask me on a good day only --lol)
 James, keep writing. Call your therapist if you can. In my old days , I used to call hot lines when I needed s/one to talk to.
Just survive for right, NOW.
 Just survive ,for right now, is what I think is the best thing to do. What do you think?         Love You,    Ami

[Juno]

Can you rage at her on paper?  Then re-read it as many times as it takes to let the rage dissipate safely?  Or burn it?  Or put it away?  Or some other ritual.....

[James]

Ami/Juno.......i haven't made the mistake of calling her at least yet. I don't think that would be wise right now. writing might help and i have a friend who possibly would listen to what i have to say. Last time this happened was at dad and i did cut lose on him. It really helped. It feels like thats the only way to satisfy this but i am going to refrain. At least i really see who she is now and whats been going on...........Thanks  James

[gjazz]

Hi James:

It's so awful.  I too went back and back.  And it was always the same, Great to see you, let's all have a drink, and eventually my F would unload.  Anything could trigger a rage.  One weekend I visited him and--this is not an exaggeration--we had to watch the Weather Channel.  The whole time.  It was a standoff.  He's a rabid Republican as well though he waxes poetic on other subjects: Jews, gays, blacks, Christians (he's right wing but despises all religion), women, you name it.  Finally I moved three thousand miles away, got a new job, a new life, and started thinking about something really hurtful he once said to me as a child, which was: You'll never love anybody, you aren't capable of it.   At some level I realized even then he was talking about himself but at some level I also believed it.  So finally I just thought this: I don't love you.  I will accept the possibility that you did the best you could with what little humanity you possess, and I will accept the possibility that you just chose to be a rabidly destructive ass, but that's your deal now.  And the thing is, the tables do turn.  There's a point after which our parents need us, more than we need them.  

Hang in there.  Hope you find peace.  I've gone through so much rage in my life, I totally hear where you're coming from.

[Ami]

Dear James
  IF you do tell her how you feel, I would do it over the phone, rather than in person. I would call s/one and talk, if you can. That will help, too, I think.     Love   Ami

(((((((James)))))))))

[James]

Gjazz..................I like your comment "i don't love you". I am getting to that point myself. In fact the more i realize whats been going on i am wondering if real love is even possible with people treating someone so badly. It just seems to go against the laws of nature and when i violate this law i feel that old confusion etc setting in. Today is a rage day for me...................Best, James

[Ami]

Dear James
 I was feeling a stomach ache ,today, and thinking it was b/c I was going against myself. I have confusion when I go against myself, too.              Hugs, James    Ami