I posted the following somewhere else, but I thought I'd share it here since I always seem to find someone with insight or someone to identify with. It has to do with a rage and anger and how I don't handle it very well. I've been very angry the last few days and its kinda toxic and contagious. I always feel like I'm going overboard or not standing up for myself, but rarely in between. Sorry I don't have a lot of positive things to share...
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Basically, an employee called me up looking to have troubleshoot an issue she was having with her email. Its been an ongoing issue in that she's convinced that there is something wrong with our server and it keeps turning out she isn't using her program properly. I could care less if its the servers fault, or if its user error. But she's been getting increasing paranoid about her email and when asks for help, she exaggerates the issue and lies about what is occurring. When she called the last time she told me she had multiple emails that weren't going through, and the truth was that it was just one. By telling me its multiple emails it leads me to start trouble shooting the issue on the server and not bother checking for possible problems that might occur if its just one email.
So, I sent her a firm email letting her know that I was aware she was exaggerating and not to do it because it wastes time. She called me and told me I was rude and then sent me a nasty email afterwards and carbon copied it to the company president. I can understand that she might take the reprimanding as rude, but I have a right to correct employees if they are doing something wrong. Furthermore, she didn't admit to the mistake or recognize that lying to me wastes my time and might upset me, and concentrated on my rudeness instead. Because I know she's been having a habit of exaggerating, I had the problem fixed almost instantly... but lying to me about the symptoms involved could lead to a lot of time spent looking in the wrong direction.
So I'm p***** off, royally. I'm sure that I have a right to be. The company president stopped by my office to say goodbye as he left for the day, and I mentioned his employee was a bitch and that I was about to pop off another rude email to her. He agreed that she is bitchy, and found it humorous, because I've been known to write some historic company memos when I get upset. My last company memo was a threat to all employees that if they surf and download porn on my network that I just might send copies of it to their mothers.
But despite me being upset for perfectly good reasons, I just seem to dwell on the issue and find it hard to think about anything else. The anger just about consumes me and I can't stop thinking about it. I'll think about it all day, and as I fall asleep, and even when I wake up. I imagine in my head fighting with her and giving her a good verbal lashing. Their could be a connection there with my childhood, in that I had to learn to defend myself verbally at a very young age, or because I was attacked in the same way.
And the anger is toxic, and it bring back anger I have from the past... such as my ex girlfriends friends. I'm p***** all over again that they considered me an abusive person and didn't recognize that my exes behaviors were wrong. I'm p***** that they don't recognize that she has a problem, and that by ignoring it they are enabling it. They are promoting that she is just unconventional instead of psychotic.... p***** they keep making excuses.
And then, I'll get p***** at that teacher in elementary school who didn't let me get that second slice of pizza when all the other kids did. Now really, where the hell does that anger come from? I have lingering anger about a piece of pizza from childhood? Honestly, that seems a bit messed up to me. My brain just goes searching for all these things I might be p***** about and then I start fantasizing about fighting back and can't stop... until I wind down. That could be days or weeks.
I find it odd because even though my ex did horrible and terrible things to me, I somehow found a way to let that anger go and it doesn't hurt me anymore, and it never comes to mind again. Maybe that situation was so dire that I was forced to actually process the information in a healthy way. How can I be p***** about the childhood pizza and not care anymore about what my ex did to me?
I was p***** this way at my father too, but it doesn't seem to come to mind often. My mother's treatment of me probably has everything to do with it, but I don't recall or return to any stages of anger regarding that. Its random things that should matter, experienced by a kid who... even though bad things happened... seemed to be incredibly sensitive to the slightest things.
It also could have to do with the fact that I'm Schizoid, and I don't bother to share my feelings.... and its hard to process and validate thoughts without being able to bounce them off of others and make them concrete, stable, and real... if that makes any sense. Left to my own process, my thoughts are unstable and malleable. I'm very deficient when it comes to validating my own thoughts, but I've been able to accomplish it when backed into a corner and that survival instinct is taking over.