Rage and Anger

[darren]

I posted the following somewhere else, but I thought I'd share it here since I always seem to find someone with insight or someone to identify with.  It has to do with a rage and anger and how I don't handle it very well.  I've been very angry the last few days and its kinda toxic and contagious.  I always feel like I'm going overboard or not standing up for myself, but rarely in between.  Sorry I don't have a lot of positive things to share...   

---

Basically, an employee called me up looking to have troubleshoot an issue she was having with her email. Its been an ongoing issue in that she's convinced that there is something wrong with our server and it keeps turning out she isn't using her program properly. I could care less if its the servers fault, or if its user error. But she's been getting increasing paranoid about her email and when asks for help, she exaggerates the issue and lies about what is occurring. When she called the last time she told me she had multiple emails that weren't going through, and the truth was that it was just one. By telling me its multiple emails it leads me to start trouble shooting the issue on the server and not bother checking for possible problems that might occur if its just one email.

So, I sent her a firm email letting her know that I was aware she was exaggerating and not to do it because it wastes time. She called me and told me I was rude and then sent me a nasty email afterwards and carbon copied it to the company president. I can understand that she might take the reprimanding as rude, but I have a right to correct employees if they are doing something wrong. Furthermore, she didn't admit to the mistake or recognize that lying to me wastes my time and might upset me, and concentrated on my rudeness instead. Because I know she's been having a habit of exaggerating, I had the problem fixed almost instantly... but lying to me about the symptoms involved could lead to a lot of time spent looking in the wrong direction.

So I'm p***** off, royally. I'm sure that I have a right to be. The company president stopped by my office to say goodbye as he left for the day, and I mentioned his employee was a bitch and that I was about to pop off another rude email to her. He agreed that she is bitchy, and found it humorous, because I've been known to write some historic company memos when I get upset. My last company memo was a threat to all employees that if they surf and download porn on my network that I just might send copies of it to their mothers.

But despite me being upset for perfectly good reasons, I just seem to dwell on the issue and find it hard to think about anything else. The anger just about consumes me and I can't stop thinking about it. I'll think about it all day, and as I fall asleep, and even when I wake up. I imagine in my head fighting with her and giving her a good verbal lashing. Their could be a connection there with my childhood, in that I had to learn to defend myself verbally at a very young age, or because I was attacked in the same way.

And the anger is toxic, and it bring back anger I have from the past... such as my ex girlfriends friends. I'm p***** all over again that they considered me an abusive person and didn't recognize that my exes behaviors were wrong. I'm p***** that they don't recognize that she has a problem, and that by ignoring it they are enabling it. They are promoting that she is just unconventional instead of psychotic.... p***** they keep making excuses.

And then, I'll get p***** at that teacher in elementary school who didn't let me get that second slice of pizza when all the other kids did. Now really, where the hell does that anger come from? I have lingering anger about a piece of pizza from childhood? Honestly, that seems a bit messed up to me. My brain just goes searching for all these things I might be p***** about and then I start fantasizing about fighting back and can't stop... until I wind down. That could be days or weeks.

I find it odd because even though my ex did horrible and terrible things to me, I somehow found a way to let that anger go and it doesn't hurt me anymore, and it never comes to mind again. Maybe that situation was so dire that I was forced to actually process the information in a healthy way. How can I be p***** about the childhood pizza and not care anymore about what my ex did to me?

I was p***** this way at my father too, but it doesn't seem to come to mind often. My mother's treatment of me probably has everything to do with it, but I don't recall or return to any stages of anger regarding that. Its random things that should matter, experienced by a kid who... even though bad things happened... seemed to be incredibly sensitive to the slightest things.

It also could have to do with the fact that I'm Schizoid, and I don't bother to share my feelings.... and its hard to process and validate thoughts without being able to bounce them off of others and make them concrete, stable, and real... if that makes any sense. Left to my own process, my thoughts are unstable and malleable. I'm very deficient when it comes to validating my own thoughts, but I've been able to accomplish it when backed into a corner and that survival instinct is taking over.

[Gabben]

Dear Darren,

Thanks for your post -- it was just what I needed, your honesty was helpful for because I have been in deep anger issues myself. It feels as if a knife was piercing my chest.

What I hear when I read your story is another story under the story which you conveyed, that this new drama with the woman as work reminds you of the old pain from your childhood.

Our buttons are going to keep being pushed, easily, until we work out the old conflict. The problem is not really the woman and her devious behavior, it is how you respond to it. She is toxic, not to invalidate that, but as we heal out the pain toxic people bother us less and less and eventually we stop attracting them into our world.

Last year I was processing some very rage-ful toxic stuff too. I know how it feels, it is hard for us to focus.

As I continued to move the anger and see my part in things, which is a huge key, I was able to eventually identify the pain under the anger as to see the anger as a defense against that old pain. The anger you are experiencing is Victim Anger.

Are you prone to blame yourself?

Compassion to you.

Gab

[darren]

Why yes, I am prone to blame myself.  I take it thats its common with people like us?  A while back I had found this about myself and though I was aware of it and stopped doing it, but I guess old habits die hard.  I spent a long time in that last relationship of mine sabotaging myself, and though I knew better now.

I'm so flat with my emotions most of the time, but when my sensitivity does get reached I just go crazy.  I can see how I'm prone to blame myself and be critical.  There's definately a battle going on my head sometimes.  There seems to be so many things my head can dredge up to still be angry about.  I think if keep exploring and talking about the things that bother me, they'll have less power over me... and I'll just work my way back to the beginning. 

Thanks for listening =)  Its really helpful.

[Ami]

Dear Darren,
 I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I  think that you handled the situation very well.
 As an abused child, of course, you would have a hard time with anger. I think most people ,on the board, do(IMO).
 We were not taught to handle anger or ANY other emotion, well. So, we do all sorts of nutty and self destructive things with it. I turned it inward and could not eat.
 I think that it is perfectly normal for you to be "pissed off".Anyone would be who had your childhood and then adult choices based on childhood patterns.
 I think that that was  a witty thing to do about the porn, very funny.
 Darren, you sound "normal" to me,in how you handle situations. That is how I see it.
 I think that it is good that you reached out. You won't feel so alone ,I bet.       Love and Hugs     Ami

[Chamomile]

I think that by staying in this train of thought you are wounding yourself again and again with the incorrect beliefs that you are reinforcing.  Remember, anger is a response to feeling hurt.

My therapist used to tell me that-- well, let me see if I can explain this well at all-- but she said that when we form an incorrect belief based on something that happens to us early on-- such as, "I am an unimportant person"-- or something like that-- then every time something that happens that makes us feel unimportant it validates to us our original incorrect belief.  So our feelings about the incidents escalate even when the incidents are fairly unimportant on their own, and every time one of these things happen all of the old incidences of feeling unimportant (or whatever) come up too . . .

Too break off that train of angry thought, try to stop feeding the incorrect belief.  Tell yourself, repeatedly and firmly, a positive counter to your incorrect belief.  (I do deserve.  I am enough.  I am a great person.  Or so on.)  And then try to recall or think of facts and incidents that support the TRUTH.

[Juno]

I have similar issues with anger and being set off by particular types of jerks and particular types of annoying situations.  I have always blamed myself for everything.  Have always felt that I was RESPONSIBLE for everything.  What a lot of pressure.  Giving myself permission to talk about it here (on my stories thread) and also giving myself permission to  feel angry without also making a fool of myself in public has helped with the healing process.

I have had special problems these past couple of years with being triggered at work by particular people.  I haven't posted as much about it as I might have been tempted to.  But after some really bad triggering by some really seriously troubled people I was forced to change the way I approach my job and my interactions with co-workers.  It has taken over a year to feel comfortable with the changes I have made.  I am  still having trouble with the particular person who triggers me.  But I have been able to get a little bit of support from a couple of other co-workers who are willing to see what I am talking about at least.  That helps.

I like your emails you have sent to people  .

Even though it seems like the pizza incident or others like it in childhood were "trivial", they were not.  These instances offended your sense of justice and fair play and made you feel worthless.  Probably reinforcing what your parents made you feel like.  These instances cut you to the quick.  I don't see anything wrong with writing about them and analyzing them here.  Possibly purging them in the process.  Making these important connections and giving proper due to the injustices you suffered will be healing.

[darren]

Hi Ami, thanks again for your support. =)  You are right, I have been feeling a little better since I got it all written down and out there.  I'm not sure if I'll ever see myself as normal...I've always been a bit eccentric, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  I'm sure I'm like just like everybody else, sometimes I just go off the charts with certain traits.

Chamomile, you are quite right too and I appreciate you pointing it out.  I know , so that my train of thought gets off track and isn't good for me.  It sounds like you have a bright therapist.  I remember practicing things like that in the past successfully, so thanks for reminding me of it.  I really do feed those negative beliefs and have a hard time reinforcing the ones that say nice thing.  Goodness, I treat myself the worst out of everybody I know =)  That is really great advice and I'll think about what you said next time I go through something.  My inner critic is just so overwhelming... there's a little narcissist in me that just doesn't want to let go of those bad feelings or stop thinking about how wronged I was.

Hi Juno, thanks for your comments, too.  I suppose I should let myself get angry, too.  Looks like a lot of us are in the same boat.  I don't usually have that many problems with my coworkers, but I tend to hide out in my office all day.  I'm quite adept at avoiding people.  But they sure can get annoying with office politics and all, and my girlfriend has been complaining all week about hers.  My coworkers have just done some outrageous things... and I don't get how people can be so cruel sometimes.  I'm sorry you're getting bothered at work... I used to get harassed at school and always dreading getting up and facing it everyday. 

You're right, maybe its not so trivial.  Back when I was a kid it was just a bunch of insecurity and worthlessness getting piled on day by day.  Its a lot for a kid to handle.  There are probably hundreds of little incidents and not so little incidents that I didn't deal with normally.  I was a messed up little kid... I wonder why nobody noticed?  I'll try to give some voice to the incidents that seem trivial.  I just haven't figured out how to do it without feeding my anger even more... oh, well thats wrong, talking about it helped. 

[Gaining Strength]

My inner critic is just so overwhelming... there's a little narcissist in me that just doesn't want to let go of those bad feelings or stop thinking about how wronged I was.

This describes what has been, for me, the essence of the damage done by growing up in an N family.  It is difficult to change those thoughts, to stop carrying those Ns around inside my mind.  It is hard to let go of those bad feelings - as much as I hate them they are still my long term friends.  RE: not thinking about how wronged you were - I actually think this can be helpful in pushing you on toward healing.  I am angry about the way I was treated and I want that to stop.  The only way I can stop it is to get those people out of my mind where I am keeping their abusive ways alive, all by myself.

I agree with many of the other posts.  you have a clever sense of humor and sound very normal.  Anger is not an uncommon issue but it is a pain to break out of.  Who wasted your time when you were young and lied about their actions?  Maybe that's who you are still mad at.  And the pizza deal - did that teacher have a habit of doing such things to you or was there some other authority figure who was kind and generous to everyone EXCEPT you - the way the teacher was?  I found in my life that these seemingly isolated painful memories were actually tied to profound wounds that I had buried deeply and lost contact with.

[teartracks]

Hi darren,

This is only one paragraph  from a fairly long article.  This paragraph seems to hit on your current experience. 
If not, then deep six it, OK?

"Narcissistic rage occurs in many forms. They all share, however, a specific psychological flavor which gives them a distinct position within the wide realm of human aggressions. The need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means, and a deeply anchored, unrelenting compulsion in the pursuit of all these aims, which gives no rest to those who have suffered a narcissistic injury -these are the characteristic features of narcissistic rage in all its forms and which set it apart from other kinds of aggression."

Here is the link to the full article.

http://www.selfpsychology.com/papers/wolf_2001b_group_helplessness_and_rage.htm



Sincerely,

tt

PS  I remember my bout with N rage.  It's no fun.  I hope yours passes soon.

[Juno]

Darren--nobody noticed because it wasn't about them.  Some of us are simply surrounded by Ns, or selfish, lazy, hurt people.  Especially if you are being raised by these types.  With me, the very few people who did notice I was in trouble and not doing well, just didn't have a clue what to do for me.  And I sure didn't know how to get help for myself.

I live in an area that is in serious need of society-wide healing.  One small example:  we have lots of prisons here--one of the major employers.  Children of prison guards don't always make the best classmates or friends, let us say.  Just a lot of stuff like that I have noticed over the years as something of an explanation for why it seems the dysfunction is everywhere for some of us.

[Overcomer]

I understand the pizza thing.  I lived a cheer episode where a judge told me the sponsor rigged the try outs.  Years of rage!  And remember this any in fifth grade who the teacher chastised-25 Years later he told me he hated that lady.  People are stupid plain and simple!

[towrite]

This may sound convoluted - but I experience the same feelings as you - some incidents from the past seem as alive as they did that day. I finally got the concept that a lot of my anger stemmed from frustration at my lack of personal power. I was, in fact, physically blocked from everything I wanted to accomplish --- was having a hard time getting a job (still am), had no spouse, few friends, hated where I lived but had no $ to move, etc. That lack of personal power had been implanted in me by my NP's since earliest days of consciousness. As I grew older it blossomed into rage fueled by frustration and impotence. When I finally got clear about what was behind it all, I made a concerted effort to exercise SOME kind of power over my life and the nightmares stopped, the rage decreased. It was small things, like becoming aware and taking charge of things that made me physically comfortable - a good chair to read in, a good meal, a soft pillow. I had been denying myself those things, just as my NPs denied me those and just as I felt the "world" was denying me. It helped a lot.

Can you do things to add to your own comfort? Maybe it will help you, too.

towrite

[Gaining Strength]

I woke up thinking about the pizza story.  I took it into my own process and felt like the pizza experience was one in which you were humiliated, being singled out and mistreated in front of everyone else.  That could have a devastating, long-lasting effect.

[Juno]

Powerlessness, humiliation--those are big ones.  No wonder seemingly small incidents gnaw away at us years later.

This is something that happened to my sister:

In fifth grade, a classmate's family installed an inground pool.  They were exceedingly proud of this pool.  The classmate decided to have a pool party to show off the new acquisition.  Well, I imagine her nasty mother came up with this or her state trooper father.  The entire class was invited--except my sister.  This was done purposely.  When the teacher found out, he insisted my sister be invited or no one  in the class would be attending.  So, my sister was invited.  However, she no longer wanted to attend since she had been singled out previously.  But if she refused to go, then no one could go either.  The entire class pressured her to go and she had no option but to give in and go.  It was an awful situation, created and made worse by the adults involved.  The girl who was hosting the party was a very mean-spirited girl who lied constantly and was not very well-liked.  But with this pool, she became somebody.  With the party, all the awfulness got projected onto my sister.  It was a mess.

My sister was not well-liked either.  But she got trumped by the girl with the pool and the state trooper father.

[gratitude28]

Darren,
I would write her back and email, and also copy it to the President. Explain in the email that you are charged with taking care of the server for everyone, and you attempt to help all with problems. Explain that if employees are having the same diffiulties over and over with logins, you would be happy to have her come by so that you can create a log-in sheet for her to help her through the proccess. I would mention how many times she has contacted you for help and what you did each time she contacted you.
You are doing the right thing. DO NOT let her bully you, Darren!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth